'AITA for taking the graduation trip away from my middle school daughter?'

"AITA for taking the graduation trip away from my middle school daughter?"

I have a 13-year-old daughter (almost 14) who is in 8th grade. School let us know about the graduation trip which she really wants to go to but we have been dealing with some behavioral issues. I told her she needs to behave before I would sign her up.

A few days went by and I told her it wasn’t enough time yet. I needed to see more. She was afraid the trip would be filled up and she would be too late. So I agreed to sign her up for the time being but I told her I would withdraw her if more issues arise. She agreed. The type of issues we had up until this point was:

She was failing on her chores on a daily basis. (Her chore list is very short. The only daily item is keeping her room clean. Then the weekly item of taking the trash out.)

She was secretly texting an ex-boyfriend. Who didn’t treat her well.

When she was caught, she tried to get her younger sister to lie and cover for her.

Her younger sister who came clean told me I needed to protect her because she was scared how her older sister was going to “punish” her.

After I signed her up, I told her that she needed to do everything as we say. We are not strict parents so I don’t think it’s unreasonable. School’s Thanksgiving dinner rolls around. We all went. As soon as she got her food, she tried to leave the table to go hang out with a friend (female). Her dad (my ex) told her to stay for at least a little while. She never asked me or my husband for permission to leave.

Soon after she left and I thought it would just be a brief moment. An hour went by and she’s not answering our texts or calls. My husband and I spent the next 40 minutes looking for her. Couldn’t find her. Finally she answered a call from my ex. She was outside apparently, still with the same friend. That’s when I decided we are taking her out of the trip. She is distraught. AITA here?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

peggingpinhead wrote:

YTA ish, but it depends. Look all of your rules are reasonable and I definitely don't think you're an AH for enforcing consequences. But I'm not sure it's clear that your daughter was breaking a rule by leaving the table? I could be missing something, but I think this is the sequence of events:

She wants to leave the table to chat with a friend outside.

Her dad tells her to stay "for a little while."

She waits some amount of time, then leaves to chat with her friend.

You assume that it will be a short chat.

She chats for a while and you get pissed because you can't find her.

This feels like a case of miscommunication. If I was 13, there is a good chance that I wouldn't think that I was breaking any rules by doing this. My dad saying you can go "in a little while" would count as permission to leave in my head, why would I ask again when the "little while" time is up?

And why would I be expected to come back within a specific time frame?

Look, if she understood what she was doing was wrong then take her out of the trip. But I'd be careful with punishing her if she didn't realize she was being disrespectful. That can sour kids and make them feel that it's all futile anyways.

Especially if she was hitting all the other behavioral markers you asked of her.

EDIT: from your other comments, it seems the real issue was that you couldn't reach her for 40mins--that she wasn't responding to your calls. Has this happened before? Do you think it was an honest mistake or it was on purpose?

OP responded:

Something you said resonated with me. I don’t think she fully understood what she did was wrong. Just to clarify, this was a big school function at a huge event space. That’s why we were getting worried.

Famous_Fee8859 wrote:

You’re not strict but has to ask for permission to leave the table?

Have you had a discussion about lacking in chores?

She’s 13, she is still learning and I can tell you now, any time you say don’t talk to xyz, don’t hang out with xyz, that’s exactly what she’s going to do. What other behavioral issues are you having that is not normal 13 yr old behavior? I can tell you now, you’re stricter than you say you are.

SlovenlyMuse wrote:

In this case, I'm going to have to say YTA. "Do everything we say" and "behave" are not clear, reasonable goals for a 13-year-old. My suggestion: Make a list of things you'll need her to do to earn the trip and post it in a shared space. Make this a checklist for chores and other things she CAN do (not things she CAN'T do, like "don't text so-and-so").

If she doesn't take out the trash, for example, you can point to the chart to remind her. This allows her to have clear goals to work towards, that lets her see for herself in realtime how she's doing, and puts the responsibility entirely on her. Punishing her for talking to her ex is not helpful.

She is at an age where she's especially vulnerable to romantic mistreatment, as she is just starting to test the waters with dating and relationships. She needs positive support to recognize healthy and unhealthy relationships so that she can make those decisions for herself. Punishment is not helpful for this, and only makes her feel like she can't trust you enough to tell you if something happens down the line

(e.g., if she keeps texting him, and he gets her alone and hurts her, will she come to you for help, or will she be too scared of losing huge things like grad trips as punishment for talking to him in the first place? No wonder she's pressuring her sister to lie for her - she's afraid of you, and is more concerned with protecting herself from YOU than from HIM.)

"Her younger sister who came clean told me I needed to protect her because she was scared how her older sister was going to “punish” her."

Have you considered that the younger sister was made to fear the older sister's punishment the exact same way the older sister has been made to fear YOUR punishment?

She's modeling the behaviour YOU'VE shown her in her interactions with the people she has perceived authority over. Finally, school trips are great social-emotional teaching opportunities, where she can socialize with her peers in a school-adjacent setting where rules are enforced.

This is a way to encourage pro-social behaviour, and withholding it as a punishment for general rudeness may not be as beneficial for her development as taking the trip might be. A grad trip is a HUGE deal to a 13-year-old. I'm not seeing any "misbehaviour" in this post that is concerning enough to justify this punishment.