'AITA for taking my kids to their dad’s family funeral? Their grandpa said it would be distracting.' UPDATED

"AITA for taking my kids to their dad’s funeral?"

I’m going to jump right in because the funeral is this Friday. My ex husband passed away last week in a car accident, very unexpectedly. The troopers came to my house (I’m his emergency contact) to break the news.

The first person I called was his father, and he flew out the next day with my ex's sister. Before he flew out he asked me where we should have the service, in Texas (where we live) or back in Maryland where our families and friends all still live.

I told him I felt like the service needed to be in Maryland because that was where everyone was and P (my ex's father) agreed. He let me know the funeral home said they might be able to do a small viewing with just family and I agreed to doing that as long as I felt like he was in a condition he’d be ok with.

I met my ex's sister and his dad at the funeral home to go over paperwork and plan the viewing, he told me all the details for the funeral back home and we talked a bit about where my ex worked, his day to day life, his home, and the probate process. His father was taking care of the probate process and seemed defensive about some of his belongings.

I really felt like focusing on my children was more important than arguing over small things in the home…all of that could wait, so I backed off of helping with cleaning out him home and handed all of his insurance paperwork and other information I had that would be useful to them like contacts at his work and his electric login.

We had the viewing, both of our children said goodbye to their dad and it was very emotional. At the viewing I mentioned that a friend had paid for our tickets to fly home as I was quickly realizing how much everything was going to cost and I suddenly was without the financial help of their dad...I was extremely thankful for their generosity.

After the viewing I didn’t hear anything from his sister or dad, they didn’t ask to see the kids or let me know what was going on with the process and I was actively trying to navigate the life insurance process while grieving my ex and helping my children with their feelings. The last few days have been a blur of crying and anger for all of us, we are so heartbroken to have lost him.

My ex's sister and father flew out on Friday and around noon I got a call from his father telling me we were not welcome at the funeral and that my children and I would be a distraction to his (my ex's father) families grieving. I’m shocked and hurt, I told him I had never heard anything so hateful and the conversation was over. My ex's father and sister have never visited Texas, we’ve lived here for 4 years.

They were not close and had no idea where he worked, or even any recent photos of him. We were divorced but still good friends, and my ex was a devoted father. His children were his world. AITA for not listening to his father and still taking them? The funeral is open to anyone, I can’t imagine us being there among hundreds of other people will really be a problem.

Not long after posting, OP jumped on with an update.

Edit: For those asking his reason, he said “well I gave you a nice service here” -we had a short viewing only and had previously agreed to the service being in Maryland so no, there was no service. Also, for clarity I am the beneficiary on the policies, my ex and I did his open enrollment together every year and we put each other as our beneficiaries to make it easier if anything like this ever did happen.

I have a wrongful d--th attorney and he is helping me with the process but I will reach out to a probate attorney.

Thank you to everyone for the advice on SSI.

The internet was quick to share all of their thoughts on the matter.

Jazzyma71 wrote:

NTA and call the probate offices and let them know your children are the heirs.

Your ex FIL seems like he is going to try and cut the kids out of their money.

OP responded:

Thank you for this, I will.

wlfwrtr wrote:

Have you talked to your children about what they want to do?

OP responded:

Yes they want to go, I did not tell them what he said though.

wlfwrtr responded:

You probably should tell them everything because he may say something to them. Don't let them be blindsided by unkind remarks.

OP responded:

I was kind of hoping to just lay low, but you are right if he said it to me he probably will say something there.

Tangerine_Bouquet wrote:

NTA. It seems like this man is realizing how terrible a father he was, but instead of being a better grandfather, he just doesn't want any evidence that other people were closer to his son. The children of the deceased would be at the top of the list to be present and say their goodbyes.

mumtaz2004 wrote:

Something is fishy here. I get the feeling that your ex’s family is making a land grab. Unless his will states otherwise, your children should be your ex’s heirs. I can’t imagine NOT allowing them (and you) at his funeral. That is an abomination!

Funeral services are typically posted in the paper and online so quite literally, ANYONE can go. I’d try to attend the funeral if it were me. NOT attending will be used as ammunition against you, I suspect: “Susan and the kids didn’t give a crap about Dan!

They cared so little they didn’t even come to his funeral. Why should they inherit anything? ” If you haven’t already, contact the executor or an attorney bc this is about to get ugly. Try to conduct all convo over text or recorded phone calls bc they will be denying convos ever happened, I’ll willing to put money on it. NTA.

koalawedgie wrote:

I have a feeling Grandpa is trying to make it look like you and the kids had less contact with Dad than you did. He can point to “they didn’t even come to the funeral!” When he tries to cut off their inheritance. Stuff like that does matter in court. Absolutely go. Not only do your kids (and you) deserve the closure and to honor him, but the grandpa is scheming. Don’t let him win.

embopbopbopdoowop wrote:

NTA. But (and it’s a big one) how far might they go? Would they make this already awful situation even worse for your children if you do show up? Will they scream and shout? Kick you out? Deny that you’re the ex and that those are his kids? Do you know other people going? Will they step to your ex’s father if he tries to kick you out?

What are they doing for the funeral? Without his children in attendance, what version of your ex are they planning on presenting to the world? Will your children even recognise whatever version of their father is talked about or displayed at this funeral?

Will they be mentioned?

Will they become even more confused about things if they attend a funeral for their father that doesn’t mention he was a father and doesn’t include pictures of them?

I’d be hesitant about attending the funeral not because he doesn’t want you there, but because you don’t know what the funeral will look like.

All this to say - are you and the people who actually knew him better off arranging your own funeral/memorial service for him?