'AITA if I just tell everyone the truth even though it would ruin my husband's image?' UPDATED 2X

"WIBTA if I just tell everyone the truth even though it would ruin my husband's image?"

Okay, so my husband has been dealing with some major issues. We have not yet figured out what it is. But he has been like dealing with certain delusions. For example, it all started 6 months ago when he was convinced he had caught me cheating because he found a document saying so on my laptop. When I arrived home and he tried looking for it to show me, he obviously couldn't find it.

He is going to therapy, but as of right now, we are technically separated and living in different rooms. It's just because this keeps happening. A certain insecurity eats itself into my husband, and he becomes convinced that it's the truth. He either "dreams" proof or he just convinces himself that anything is proof. Idk what he does with the therapist. But I honestly don't see it getting better.

Last week, he was mad at our daughter (15) because she didn't want him to drive her to prom and make pictures with her. When I went to ask her, she said that that was not true. She had talked to her dad about what she would like to do when she graduates in 2 years. Her father just got really mad at the perceived Sligh.

The problem is that he keeps talking to people about the "issues." I was already wondering why so many mutuals stopped responding to me. But apparently, they all think I am an awful human being and terrible spouse. I just want to tell people what is going on. Also so they are aware that my husband is basically lying to them and for them to tell me delusions that he might be having that I don't know.

But at the very beginning of his therapy, he begged me not to tell anyone because people would think he is crazy. My sister said that it would also be an AH thing to do that would basically feed into his delusions. I just feel like I am done. AITA?

The internet was very opinionated and curious about the situation.

rstock1962 wrote:

Is this therapist also a psychiatrist? I’m by no means an expert but it sounds like therapy isn’t what he needs, and maybe the therapist actually believes what he is saying as well. I think a more aggressive approach is needed.

OP responded:

He doesn't trust me, so he doesn't tell me. I know he gets professional help because he introduced us. But as far as I know, its a therapist. Not a psychiatrist.

ceruleanfury- wrote:

So I'm assuming these are real ACTUAL delusions while giving this advice: First and foremost, if he hasnt yet, he has to see a neurologist, to rule out any physical causes (ie. brain tumour) And second: Can you have a therapy session with him and his therapist?

Tell them what is going on with your friends and family, and come up with a mutual solution? With the therapist there, they can help your husband see how this is affecting everyone. IMO this is really messy and could potentially devolve into a dangerous situation.

It's not fair to anyone involved. I think, if they are real delusions, I would need to tell those very close to us, only ones I knew loved him and would protect him. Ideally with him by my side, while I told them. BUT and a big one… I, would need to speak with him and his therapist about it first. This needs a professional delicate hand to guide it. You need help with this too.

You, at the very least need, someone (a friend or family member you can trust) to lean on, but you should also have a professional to talk to and help you cope with this. NTA. Just needs to be handled in an extremely delicate way, with much discernment, professional guidance, and love as humanly possible.

OP responded:

Obviously, I am not in the medical field. But I can't describe them as anything else. Mainly because we have not done any of the things he convinced himself of. For example. He was convinced our oldest daughter (19) was pregnant because she said no to sushi. She was just not in the mood for raw fish.

So my husband obviously became obsessed with the idea that our daughter was pregnant. He would go to full rants saying how dare she, we gave her everything etc.

autoroutpourfourmis wrote:

Please try and convince him to be seen by a crisis nurse in ER. If he will not seek help you need to protect yourself and your child and leave. Delusions are dangerous. He sounds paranoid. People who get like this need psychiatric intervention. They need meds. That is the only solution. If he still has love and trust in you, use that to your advantage.

If not, please tell his family and close friends what is happening so they can try and convince him to seek help. Even if they don't believe you at first, they will start to notice once you are out of the picture and he starts having more and more outlandish delusions. Protect yourself and your child.

OP jumped on to make a small update/clarification.

Edit: We already did a brain scan/MRI, and nothing was found.

And the comments and advice kept coming in.

KMRA wrote:

NTA. Keeping his secret is pushing your support network away because he's telling them his delusions. In order to take care of him, you need a functioning support network.

Perhaps you could talk to him about a few select friends you trust not to gossip and explain that he is asking you to carry the weight of his constant accusations alone and that it isn't possible for you. While I agree telling everyone isn't a good path, you need trusted friends you can talk to. That is an incredibly hard situation to live in.

newtonianlaws wrote:

NTA I’d word it like a public service announcement: hubby and I are currently separating as part of the process of divorcing. I’m asking all mutual friends to please look after him bc he is not okay, he is having trouble with reality vs paranoid fears, and I am no longer in a position to support him getting the help he needs.

No one is asking you to choose to remain friends with either him or me. I will always love him, as I know you do as well, but I can no longer stay married to him, thank you for your support to both of us.

unlovelyladybartleby wrote:

Hon, I used to work in adult mental health. Your husband isn't getting the help he needs, is escalating, and being in the same household with someone with persistent delusions is dangerous. You need to get your kids the f#$k out of that house before something happens. And he needs to see a medical doctor and a psychiatrist, not a therapist.

You are NTA for wanting to tell the truth, and you will be NTA when you do, but telling the truth while you're still sharing a home with him puts you and your kids in danger. Staying/allowing him to stay makes you an A H.

LalunaDomina wrote:

INFO: Is going to therapy together a possibility? Are you able to talk to his therapist about your growing wariness? What he's doing is not okay even if it's unintentional or not directly malicious. Ruining your reputation over his own delusions is not something your husband should be comfortable with either. He knows this is hurting you.

OP responded:

No, because he doesn't trust me, and he is scared that "I will win over the therapist yo put him away"

Similar_name4489 wrote:

NTA why should he be protected at your expense? That’s what it comes down to. He’s sacrificing your image and reputation to maintain his own, when his frankly is a ticking time bomb. He’s not actually getting the treatment he needs if he’s getting worse. Eventually his delusions would come out on someone else. Might as well protect yourself, rather than lose it for nothing anyway.

Five months later, OP shared a major update.

I thank everyone for their supportive words. Especially the people that have been through something similar. Thank you so much for sharing with me. It makes me feel less alone. Also just because I have seen that a lot of people have not been able to read my first post. I have tried everything from getting him to a real psychologist to having him committed.

I have tried with his doctor, with my MIL and with my lawyer. But he has not broken the law or actually as--lted me. Just said he'll off me and our daughter for being wh0res.

But to the authorities that does not matter because we don't matter.

So please all the suggestions you have and suggestions to get him committed or that he night have a tumor or dementia or schiz-phrenia.... please stop. I have no fight left in me.

I also have no legal ground over him. I can't care anymore, or I will drive myself insane. He still has a support net. He will never be alone. But that man is dangerous to me and my daughters. And the duty of a parent is above all else. So again, please stop suggesting what he could have or what I should do regarding him, because that job is no longer mine

First off, thank you all for your feedback and support. I took some time to process everything, and honestly, I was at my breaking point. The situation has escalated in ways I never imagined, and I’ve made some tough decisions. After I posted, things started to unravel quickly. About five months ago, when my husband’s behavior first started escalating, I quietly consulted with a lawyer here.

At that time, his delusions had begun to affect our daily lives, and I knew I needed legal advice. The divorce process requires a period of legal separation before the divorce can be finalized. We initiated this process, and I requested full custody of our 15-year-old daughter, given her increasing fear of her father.

The court was also concerned and ordered a psychological evaluation for my husband to assess his mental fitness for parenting. A few weeks into the legal separation, my husband’s paranoia worsened. He started placing Apple AirTags in my car and in our 15-year-old daughter’s backpack, tracking our every move.

My daughter was the one who found the AirTag in her bag and was terrified. When I confronted him, he insisted it was for "our safety," but it was clear to me that his paranoia was spiraling out of control. This incident deeply affected our daughter, who began refusing to see her father. Around this time, my mother-in-law reached out to me.

She was concerned because my husband had accused her of cheating on his father, something that was completely out of character for him. FIL didn’t believe it for a second but was deeply worried about his state of mind. Her reaching out was a small but much-needed relief. She acknowledged that his behavior was erratic and offered her support, knowing that something was seriously wrong.

My older daughter (19) had also become involved in the situation. She had been quietly documenting her father’s behavior for months. She recorded three different occasions where my husband went on delusive rants. The first was about how I’m supposedly cheating on him with one of my coworkers—a man I barely interact with.

The second was about how our 15-year-old daughter was secretly dating someone older and lying to him about it. The third was about how the entire family was conspiring against him to make him look crazy. Watching these videos was heartbreaking, but they validated everything I’d been dealing with privately. Things escalated further when my husband almost attacked one of my colleagues.

He had convinced himself that this man was the "affair partner" I was supposedly seeing behind his back. It took all my strength to physically separate them before the situation turned v-lent. As the legal process continued, my lawyer informed me that due to the severity of the situation and the psychological evaluation ordered by the court, my request for full custody was strongly considered.

In Spain, courts typically prioritize the well-being of the child, and given my husband’s mental state and the danger he posed, it seemed likely that I would be granted full custody of our 15-year-old daughter.

She had made it clear that she didn’t want to see her father, and the court was taking her wishes into account. In the midst of this, my 19-year-old daughter decided to take matters into her own hands. She posted the three videos she had recorded of her father’s breakdowns on Instagram, along with a compilation of texts, photos, and other evidence she had collected over the past few months.

Her intention was to show the world what we had been enduring, but it quickly turned into a public spectacle. The backlash was intense. Some people were horrified and reached out with sympathy and support, while others criticized us for "airing dirty laundry" and accused my daughter of betraying her father. As the divorce process continued, my husband’s mental health became a significant factor.

The psychological evaluation ordered by the court revealed the depth of his delusions, particularly around cheating and female promiscuity. It became clear that he was not fit to make decisions regarding our daughters’ well-being. The evaluation supported my claim for full custody, and the court is now in the process of finalizing that decision.

In the meantime, all communication between my husband and me is being handled through our lawyers, and I’m ensuring that any interaction between him and our 15-year-old daughter is supervised. Given the severity of the situation and the damage done to our lives, I’m making plans to move away with my daughter once the legal proceedings are finalized.

My reputation in our current community is shattered, thanks to his delusions and the lies he has spread. Starting fresh somewhere new seems like the only way for us to heal and rebuild our lives. I never wanted it to come to this. I still care deeply for my husband, but I can’t keep sacrificing our well-being for the sake of his image.

The revelation that he’s been lying to his therapist (or rather, his unqualified "life coach") was a breaking point for me—I realized I couldn’t trust him to get better on his own. Thankfully, some friends have started to see through his stories and are reaching out to support us, which gives me hope. But I know it’s going to be a long, difficult road ahead.

For anyone else in a similar situation, please know that you’re not alone. This has been the hardest decision I’ve ever made, but sometimes you have to do what’s best for your own mental health and safety, no matter how much it hurts. Thank you again for all the advice. I’m hopeful that this is the first step towards a better future, even if it’s a painful one.

The internet was glad to hear from OP again.

thebigeverybody wrote:

I know a family where the father started having delusions like this and they had to leave him for their safety. Unfortunately, he's drawing out the divorce process every way he can, out of spite. I'm amazed he has the power to do that in this situation, but idk the details.

NotHisRealName wrote:

I read something once that said something like "There's a difference in poker between the best hand possible and the best possible hand."

This wasn't the best ending possible but it was the best possible ending.

DrRocknRolla wrote:

Anything that can cause random changes in behavior is horrifying, but having those drastic changes and not knowing has to be even worse.

Never thought I'd say this, but I was hoping he had a brain tumor.

Sea-Presence6809 wrote:

Those people “criticising” OP’s daughter for “betraying” her father and “airing dirty laundry” are actual idiots. F--ing hell. OP and her daughters are in constant fear, honestly good on the daughter for documenting his behaviour and bringing awareness to it. Hope OP and her kids can move on safely from this.

A few weeks later, OP shared an update.

Last week, my husband showed up at our home completely out of control. He wasn’t supposed to be there, but he came without any warning, and right away, he started yelling. He was accusing me and our 15-year-old daughter of being against him, saying we were plotting to destroy him.

He was furious. I tried to calm him down, but it just made him angrier. He started throwing things and shouting that we were ruining his life. Then, he turned on our daughter. He called her a "wh-re" and said she was supposed to be the "good one," but she had turned against him too. He was moving toward her like he was going to hurt her, and I got between them to protect her.

That’s when he shoved me so hard I hit the wall, and he sl-pped me across the face. I was stunned, but he didn’t stop. He grabbed my throat and started strangling me. I fought back, scratching and biting to get him off me. Meanwhile, my daughter managed to call the authorities while this was happening. She was terrified, but she stayed on the phone with them, begging for help.

When the police arrived, they arrested him right away. He’s now facing charges for DV, and the court has put a restraining order in place. I can’t even explain how scary that moment was, but I’m just glad my daughter was able to call for help. I don’t know what would have happened otherwise. The legal process is moving quickly now, especially after the incident.

The court has ordered a psychiatric evaluation to see if he’s fit to even be around our daughters, let alone have visitation rights. At this point, I’m expecting full custody of my 15-year-old. She’s been through so much, and she doesn’t want to see her father anymore, even if it’s supervised. I think the court will honor that, especially given everything that has happened.

On top of all of this, the videos my 19-year-old daughter posted online have continued to spread. A lot of people have reached out with their own stories about the things my husband told them—things I didn’t even know he had said. It’s hard to hear, but it’s also helping me understand just how bad it was. Some of the delusions he had included:

- He thought I was part of a secret group plotting to harm him.

- He believed our 19-year-old was spying on him for me.

• He thought our 15-year-old was trying to poison him by putting something in his food.

• He said his mother was having an affair with her best friend.

• He told his father that I hired a private investigator to follow him.

• He thought a family friend was trying to take over his business.

• He said one of my close friends was in love with me and trying to help me leave him.

• He told neighbors that I was going to sell our house and leave him with nothing.

• He believed my boss was helping me hide money in offshore accounts.

• He thought our daughters were hiding secret phones and communicating behind his back.

• He accused me of manipulating our children to turn them against him.

• He said his sister was trying to steal his inheritance.

• He believed I had hidden cameras in the house to watch him.

• He accused me of using witchcraft to control his mind.

• He thought I was planning to flee the country with our daughters.

It’s been overwhelming to hear how far his paranoia went. Some friends have apologized and now understand what was really happening, but others still believe his stories, and that’s been hard. I’m not sure how to fix all the relationships that were damaged by this.

I’ve also been getting a lot of questions about what has happened with my daughter’s therapy and the divorce process, so I’ll explain a bit. At first, we had to put my daughter into telehealth because we were waiting for an in-person spot with the therapist we were referred to by our doctor. It took some time to get that set up and approved, but now she’s seeing someone regularly, and it’s been helping.

As for the divorce, it could have been simple, but my husband has turned it into a high-conflict situation. I’ve been so frustrated with how slow it’s been going, especially because it didn’t need to be like this. But because of everything he’s done, the courts have had to be more careful, and it’s taking longer than expected.

I’m only communicating with him through lawyers now. Once everything is done, I plan to move with my 15-year-old to start over somewhere else, away from all of this.

That’s where things stand now. It’s been a horrible, painful experience, but I’m doing my best to keep my daughters safe and make sure we can move forward. Thank you again to everyone who has supported us through this—it really means a lot.

Commenters had lots to say in response.

I_wanna_be_anemone wrote:

I’m so sorry you went through this, it’s been escalating for so long that it was almost inevitable he was going to come for someone. Well done for protecting your daughter, he absolutely wouldn’t have hesitated to inflict the same pain on her if you hadn’t intervened. I’m so sorry she had to see all that, though she did a great job getting hold of the police asap.

I dread to think what could have happened if she’d frozen. Please take extra care where possible, CCTV, securing the property and so on. Once people reach this level of unstable, a restraining order isn’t going to mean a thing to anyone except the authorities/lawyers dealing with the aftermath.

None of this is your fault, you’ve handled every step of this situation as respectfully and sensibly as humanly possibly. Unfortunately, your husband has spiralled (for whatever reason) and is now officially a liability for you and your daughters. Please don’t feel ashamed at all for acting appropriately to protect yourself and your girls.

OP responded:

Thank you so much. Right now, he can't go anywhere as he is still locked up waiting. After that I won't plan to be findable for him.

JanetInSpain wrote:

I'm so sorry that he showed up at your door! I'm sure that was terrifying. I live in Spain and the slowness of legal processes can be infuriating, especially in a situation like yours. His att--king you was horrible but at least the courts now see just how bad he is.

I hope doctors can figure out what happened in his brain, but in the meantime please do continue to keep yourself and your daughter safe. At 15 does she not have any legal rights to decide who she wants to live with and whether she wants contact with the other parent? Please hang in there. Hopefully it won't be much longer.

OP responded:

She has. But obviously, at the beginning, his lawyer and the courts were still trying to say that she needed her dad in her life and all that. I don't think he would have gotten custody, but he was up for visitation rights. I don't know if that's the word.

Basically, he should have had the right to pick her up and take her to the cinema or a restaurant, etc. At least once a month. That is what I was trying to prevent. But I think now it won't be necessary.

Magenta-Magica wrote:

Honestly whatever feels right, Because I can assure u he will not stop. Please stay safe, As well as the rest of your family, And good luck for your new endeavours!

NTA of course. Posting RAINN.org as usual, you and daughter handled it amazingly - I’m glad.

OP responded:

I am very proud of her but also very sad. She is 15. But it feels like she aged a hundred years in the past months.