'AITA if I tell my friend that she needs to be less clingy and learn to be more independent?'
"WIBTA if I tell my friend that she needs to be less clingy and learn to be more independent?"
I am 16M, and my two best friends are my twin sister, who is 16F (who I'll call Katie), and our 16F friend (who I'll call Montannah).
Don't get me wrong, Montannah's a sweetheart, but she's just getting incredibly clingy towards me and Katie, and I'm worried about her.
What's playing on my mind is a party we're going to this weekend. It's one of our friends' eighteenth birthday party and Katie and I have both been looking forward to it for weeks. Most of our friends are attending, and we haven't seen a few of them in a while because they attend different schools. We were both looking forward to a night of fun and partying with them all.
However, the host of the party messaged Katie last night asking if we were planning to bring Montannah, to which she replied no. So he went and invited her, and now she's coming to the party. Normally, I'd be more than okay with this, except for the fact that Montannah will only know a few people at the party, and she isn't good with large groups of people.
She said she was not enthused about there being a lot of people there, so Katie kindly asked her how she planned to cope with that. Montannah responded that she could just stick with us two. I was already planning to hang out with my other friends since I spend much less time with them than I do with her.
I also have very different friendship dynamics with them. I'm just worried that she's going to cling to either Katie or me the entire time due to her being socially awkward; which she already does regularly. I know if she does do that, I'm well in my right to ask her to give me some space while I'm with my other friends.
But at the same time, I'm also afraid of her feeling like I'm abandoning her and getting upset, which has happened before. An example of this is last year's New Year's Eve celebrations. Katie and I were planning to hang out with Montannah, just the three of us, but she cancelled a few days before. So, Katie and I went and made plans with other people.
Then Montannah was suddenly able to come along at the last minute, so she came along with us and the group we'd made plans with. When the group wanted to hang out at one of our friends' houses, she stayed behind because she was getting overwhelmed with the whole situation.
Montannah then got quite upset that we weren't spending time with her, which I understand; I get that she wants to spend time with the two of us. But I also wish she was able to accept that she is not the only person that we spend time with and that we won't drop plans with other friends just for her.
I just really want her to be happy, but I also want a social life with other people, which makes me wonderful if I would be TA if I expressed how I feel to her. So, would I be TA if I were to tell her that she needs to learn to be less clingy and more independent? I'm also really sorry if my English is not the best.
The internet offered up a lot of advice.
solo_throwaway254247 wrote:
"I'm so excited to attend Host's party. I haven't seen Friend A in forever and I'm looking forward to hanging out with him. Friend B is going to be there too, can't wait to see her...and so on and so on"
Make it clear you are going to be hanging out with ALL your friends. And not just her. Your sister should do the same thing. And at the party, do just that, don't cater to her. Host invited her, host can do that.
You and your sister are in the clear. If she joins a group, you are in, don't exclude her, but just proceed as you were before she joined you. If she asks for either of you to hang out solely with her, invite her to join you if she wants, but make it clear you are there to see all your friends and not just her. And do that for every occasion going forward. NTA.
sweetalessia wrote:
You're NTA for wanting to talk to her about being less clingy, but it’s all about how you approach it. Instead of saying she needs to change, try expressing your feelings about wanting some space and encouraging her to find other friends or activities she enjoys. explain to her calmly, it’s important to be kind and supportive while also setting your boundaries.
Useful_childhood545 wrote:
Nobody is TA. Really…if she’s a friend you care about then you’ll introduce them to your other friends and hangout together. If she’s a friend you don’t care much about then you’ll go to the party with her and ditch her to hangout with your other friends. Can’t blame her for being antisocial, can’t blame you for being social. Think about how much you care about them.
Sleepy_Nashira wrote:
Absolutely NTA. Talk to her. I had a friend like this in uni, she had a hard time making friends on her own, and would hang out with me all the time. She would spend her free time in my room while I was doing other things. She'd hang out with me when I was with my friends.
Eventually I sat her down, and explained that whilst I loved hanging out with her, I also wanted to spend time both on my own, or with my friends on my own. We went to some events where I encouraged her to speak to others, but I was around for moral support. She's still my best friend, 10 years later.
We have a great friendship and have grown together and supported eachother throughout.
Speak to your friend, let it come from a place of love. Help her grow, and she will!
Cupcake179 wrote:
I'd be montannah. I am socially awkward and tend to stick to 1-2 friends at a large party where i don't know many people. I'd feel pretty hurt if you tell me but also understanding if i care about you. If you tell me ahead of time, more like: Hey just a heads up, i haven't seen some of my friends for awhile at this party and plan on spending the majority of my time catching up with them.
Therefore I won't be able to pay as much attention to you so you might have to mingle a bit more than usual. You're welcome to share how you feel about this. Maybe we can hangout just us 3 before or after the party so we can have just that time for us. If I was Montannah I probably would just opt out of going to the party altogether.
OR understandably find new people to chat. OR you can introduce people you know who are your friends to montannah. She might feel more comfortable at the party to talk to other people. And can still stay close to you. NTA, but honestly just be transparent without being hurtful. If she can't accept then it's just growing pains.