'AITA for telling my best friend that her ruining her own life has nothing to do with me?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my best friend that her ruining her own life has nothing to do with me?"
TW: self-harm
Ashley and I have an age difference of 1 year; she is older than me. We have been friends since we were in elementary school. Ashley was popular in high school. Which might have gotten into her head. We had this mutual friend Ray who had a huge crush on Ashley, and she knew about that, yet she used to make him do her homework and ask him for money.
As a simp, he used to follow her like a goddess. I never had a problem with Ashley before, but I simply started to feel weird about her habit of throwing me under the bus. For example, her failing on exams was my fault, according to her mother. A guy proposed to me in grade 6. Ashley started a war with that guy for liking me. I changed schools in 8th grade at my parents's wishes. At this time, I was no longer Ashley's bodyguard.
We used to stay in touch, but not that much as I was busy with my new schedule and friends. At this time, Ashely became friendless, and I still have no idea why. She dated this school hunk, for 4 years who broke up with her because she just answered, “I won't care if you break up with me because I have many dudes who love me and Ray is also there,” to his question of “If we ever broke up, what will you do?”
Well, it doesn't end here, she then goes on to date that guy's (her ex) best friend, and yeah, at this time, we were still in touch. And I warned her not to date him because if he can't be loyal to his bff how will he be loyal to her? But she didn't listen to me; got dumped. and somehow again, the blame was on me.
Her private pic got leaked and her mother scolded me. Even though I was unaware of this situation. It was like "because of my influence she was suffering." My mom was unaware of this whole situation. My mother her sister and I wanted to study at the same college. Which I didn't want.
Coming to the point:
So for college, I chose a different college that was far away from hers. I stayed in a hostel, and we weren't allowed to use mobile phones. Until Saturday, weird but okay for me. She used to text me sometimes, and from that text, I got to know that Ray left her bootlicking.
She was again left out in college, with no friends. She cheated on her new boyfriend with his BFF who already had a girlfriend. She was intimate with him without protection, and now she is pregnant. And now she demands that I help her because she got dumped. At this point, I am just tired, and yeah, she also wants me to set her up with my elder brother.
And help her with the abortion thing while I am in the middle of my exam. So I just said that her always trying to ruin her life has nothing to do with me. How am I supposed to help her?
Should I help her? We have been friends since elementary school, so what is your suggestion? And she has threatened to harm herself if I leave her and do not help her. Her parents would kill her if they found out about that. Moreover, I will be again blamed for it, and I am scared that she will hurt herself.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
litt3lli0n said:
This "friendship" needs to end. This is not a friend, she is a user. She's used everyone in her life. What exactly do you get out of this? You're her scapegoat. If she does do something, that is on her. It is not your fault. You did not cause her to act the way she has and continues to.
WhyCommentQueasy said:
As far as I can see, this friendship is over. You're trying to move on and she's just dragging you down. If you're concerned for her safety, her college should have a health and wellness center. Contact them about it, or her parents, or the police. As far as the abortion thing, her and the father should work on that.
AattukaalBhaskaran said:
You really should use the "block" feature on your phone. You're in a different college, unable to use phone from Monday to Saturday. So it should be easier to block her. You have been enabling her behavior in a way, so it's going to be difficult. But block her, ignore her messages. If your parents ask you to contact her, tell them the friendship is over and you can't tolerate her antics. NTA. Keeping in touch with her is simply going to make her and her parents blame you for her downfall.
SecretTimeTrash said:
NTA -- ALSO AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, you are not responsible for the actions of other people, not even when they says "if you do ____, I will unalive myself." That is her manipulating your feelings to try and sway you and keep you around, and regardless of what she does, it's not your fault.
If you want to help her... call her parents, tell them her situation, that she has threatened to end her life, and let them figure it out. She's not your child. She's not your blood. She's not even a great friend, and hasn't been for a while... She's not your responsibility, and honestly, if I were you, I would call her parents, let them know, and then block her AND her family. THEY need to figure it out, with THEIR daughter.
I know that sounds harsh and like a betrayal, but it's more like saving someone that's drowning...in their panic, they will drag you under with them if you give them half a chance, and sometimes to save them you have to knock them out... and sometimes to save yourself, you have to let them drown...
You are not obligated to set your life on fire to keep someone else warm, nor do you seem to owe this person anything... You're the safety net friend. I know, cuz I've been on. You're the friend she has because you're always there... just like she kept Ray around to use him, she uses you to be the pillar she leans on while everything around her crumbles...You don't have to be that person, and you shouldn't be. Baby bird her, kick her outta the nest, and let her figure it out from there. You've done enough. It's sink or swim, fail or fly... and that's just life.
JustaBLKguyon_reddit said:
NTA...as long as you go no contact. Like you told her it will be no ones fault if you ruin your own life. To be clear she isnt a friend. Her mother blaming you i can assure you is because your her scapegoat...how can she be a friend if she lets you take the blame for her actions.
This ray guy even figured out she's a horrible person and friend but you're still debating if you are wrong??????? Cut ties before she concocts a lie so grand it ruins your life. You are not responsible for her, you are responsible for YOU. Choose your peace.
Mapilean said:
NTA. She sounds like an entitled brat who never takes responsibility (and her mother seems to have been enabling her). Just block her: she is a manipulative AH. She's made her bed, now she can sleep in it. Tell her you don't want her in your life anymore and block her everywhere. Let your mother and common friends know this, because she is sure going to raise drama and, once again, make it your fault (or anybody's fault but hers).
UPDATE:
I feel like updating you all on this situation, and thank you so much for the suggestion. First I would like to clarify the reason why I didn't cut her out in the first place. The no 1 reason was that I was afraid of going to jail and ruining my family's reputation in society.
There are many times, not many I have tried one time. I tried to cut her off, but she called me and emotionally blackmailed me about her situation, how I am the only friend in her life, and how she would hurt herself if her only support system would not be with her. Yes, she was popular in school, (with boys). Many girls didn't like her, I guess for being too pretty.
If she did hurt herself and put me in that note or blamed me damn my life would be over, guys. I'm not in a European or Western country. Here, intimacy is a taboo before marriage. So you can guess how much of a big deal it is to be pregnant and her photo being viral in the past adds more fuel to this mess. And I'm not in a rural, underdeveloped place or whatever. For your clarification.
As for the update part, I told my mom that I'm currently living with my aunt for my board prep which will be held next month. This is a big deal for me. I can't indulge myself in this mess. I can't even study properly. I told my mom everything. I screenshot every Ashley message she sends me along with the note part and sent those to her father and sister because her mother and I don't have any good connections.
Let's say my mother was furious. She called Ashley's family and warned them not to let Ashley contact me ever again or else those messages would be shown to the police for her harassing me. Her father asked forgiveness too, and I have not heard from Ashley at all, which is a good thing. I do feel bad for throwing her under the bus. But I just couldn't help her anymore. I can't be the knight in armor that she thinks I am. And I accept these were my mistakes. I should have stopped those years ago, thank you all be safe bye.
Update again:
Guys I need your advice it's 7:35 pm I just received a phone call from Ashley's mom that they took her to the hospital, she wants me to meet Ashley tomorrow. I just do not know what to do anymore. My other friends are advising me to just meet her one time and tell her to leave me alone. Should I go and meet her or should I completely end this thing?
Here's what top commenters had to say after the update:
TheRealBadAsher said:
NTA. You need to take care of yourself and your "friend" is not good for you. She's manipulative and her self-unaliving threat is just another example of it. You are not responsible for her actions in any case. Continue to separate yourself from her and live your best life.
Megmelons55 said:
You did the right thing and you shouldn't go. This is her trying to pull you back into her BS. Just ignore. Wall of silence.
cathline said:
End this thing. Ashley is NOT your problem. You did NOT get Ashley pregnant. You let the people who could help her know about her issues so they could help her. Block her mother's phone/email/etc. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Not your circus. Not your monkeys. And if she lies about you - you have the proof that she is lying about you
Shelly_895 said:
Don't, under any circumstances, go to the hospital. Just don't. She'll just reel you back in. You established a boundary. Time to follow through. If you finally want to cut her out of your life, then stay away from her indefinitely. No last meeting. No phone calls. Just stay gone.
RaiseIreSetFires said:
NTA Do not go visit her, Do not respond, just go to the police. You gave this girl way too many chances she doesn't deserve another one. If you don't follow through she will never stop and will keep pushing til she's held accountable. Do not involve her parents any further and treat her like an adult who is responsible for her own actions. This is completely on her.