'AITA for telling my BF to F himself for telling me to drink my coffee one way ‘under his roof?' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for telling my BF to go F himself for telling me to drink my coffee in a particular way ‘under his roof?'"
I take a long time to drink my coffee and as a result sometimes gets cold before I finish it. I don’t mind cold coffee, so I drink it anyway. My BF thinks this is disgusting (he doesn’t like coffee anyway). He told me that he doesn’t want me to drink my coffee that way, because it disgusts him.
I told him that it’s me who’s drinking it, why should he care. He insisted that it is disgusting, and “if I don’t want you to drink a cup of coffee around the house, then you don’t” and the good old “my house, my rules”. He compared it to him not wanting guests to smoke in his house, or taking off shoes at the door.
However, I told him that those examples are not comparable because secondhand smoke is still harmful and wearing dirty shoes in the house makes the floor dirty for everyone else’s feet. How I drink a cup of coffee does neither. I lost my cool and told him to go F himself for being controlling. AITA?
Commenters had a lot to say about the dynamic.
failedantidepressant wrote:
NTA-has he ever heard of iced coffee? why are you living with him?
OP responded:
I don’t even live with him. We are in a long distance relationship and this is when I stayed with him in his parents house over two weeks.
failedantidepressant wrote:
He’s showing you his true self. Believe him.
ImAMessica223 wrote:
🚩🚩🚩🚩 Here. You dropped these. Trying to control how you DRINK YOUR COFFEE is a huge red flag. Definitely don't give in. But it'll only get worse from here. What you can and can't eat. What you can and can't wear. Who you can and can't see. Etc. NTA.
Miss-America 1666 wrote:
Narcissist's Prayer: That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, it is not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did. You deserved it. 🚩. “I’m sorry you found it as a controlling act.” Oh lawd.
After receiving a good deal of feedback, OP jumped back on with an update.
UPDATE: I showed him the comments and he conveniently came up with the excuse “I am sorry you found it as a controlling act. I said that because, not being used to coffee, I can smell its odour. So I don't want the odour to spread around the house.”
I’ve told him that it’s not a matter of me seeing it that way, he is being controlling and it’s unacceptable. He keeps asking me to explain why, even though I feel like I have about a million times. I said that I’ve explained enough and I’m not interested in talking until he takes responsibility.
And the commenters kept coming in response.
StarryMotley wrote:
Regarding your update: He's framing this as a matter of your opinion and pretending not to understand in order to avoid admitting what's obvious to everyone on this sub. This is because he already knows he's behaving badly, and is doing it on purpose, and wants to continue doing it, because it benefits him. Big, big, big red flags. Please get away from him. NTA. He's controlling and manipulative.
OP responded:
Thank you for your input! Can I ask what it is you think he’s benefiting from?
StarryMotley wrote:
He gets to control you. Maybe not on everything, but the longer you stay and the more controlling behavior you tolerate, the more will slip under the radar and the more you'll end up meeting his unreasonable demands. You'll decide--not even consciously--that you would rather do what he wants than fight him on some small issue. And then another small issue. And then a big one.
And meanwhile, he will not be making efforts to please and accommodate you. You may even start to question yourself and internalize his viewpoint. It's never about cold coffee; it's about power.
Manipulators and controlling people never start with "be my 24/7 maid who I have s-x with but who never gets off herself, who gives me children if I'm into that, who isn't allowed to have money or a job or talk to her friends and family and who lives miles or COUNTRIES away from anybody who might help her get out of this ab-sive relationship."
They don't start there; they start with "you drink coffee the wrong way" and "I'm so very sorry that YOU were irrational about my coffee request." If you had pointed out how many people think he was an AH about the coffee, and he had gone "oh wow, yeah, I was being an AH, I'm sorry" and then not done it again, then that would be one thing.
But what you posted about his response sent chills down my spine. That is not the response of a mostly-well-meaning guy. That is the response of a guy who will twist reality in knots to get what he wants.
CosmicOceanHorror wrote:
F-k no, that guy sounds like an AH. He sounds like a chauvinist pig and he doesn't deserve you. Quick question: Surely you knew whether or not you were the asshole before you posted this?
OP responded:
I was sure that I was not TA, but he doesn’t take responsibility and instead assumes it’s because of my past emotionally ab-sive relationship.
failedantidepressant wrote:
That’s called gaslighting 🚩🚩🚩. Your current boyfriend is emotionally ab-sing you. You’re breaking up with him, right?
OP responded:
I told him about the comments and he said “I am sorry that you found it as a controlling act. I said that because, not being used to coffee, I can smell its odour. So I don't want the odour to spread around the house.”. I told him it’s not a matter of how I see it, his behaviour is unacceptable. He keeps asking me to explain why even though I feel like I’ve already explained a million times.
I eventually said that I’m not interested in talking until he takes full responsibility. He just said: “I am deeply sorry. What I did was criticism over a "small thing" like drinking coffee, and I must have made you feel unaccepted and imperfect. Something like this should never become a constant dynamic in any relationship.I take full responsibility for what happened”. What do I do?
failedantidepressant wrote:
It’s entirely up to you but I can promise you this will not be the first or last time he does this. His apology sounds like he’s telling you what you want to hear so you’ll drop it. He’s sorry that you found his behavior controlling, he’s not sorry for being controlling. There is a very clear difference.
Almost three weeks later, OP shared another update.
So, someone posted my BF’s social media page as a comment (now deleted) in the original post. Unfortunately my BF still received some nasty messages, which was never meant to happen, regardless of who was at fault. If you are the person who did this, you are TA, big time. Why on earth would you do that?
What if I was in a dangerously ab-sive relationship? That could have put my life in danger. My BF, even though I showed him the original post while there were 6 comments, blamed me for this person's behaviour and accused me of allowing cyber-b-lying.
He also did not agree with any of the comments. I told him I understand why he’s upset and that I am upset too because I truly believed it was completely anonymous and I did all I could to remove the comment as soon as I saw it. He did not agree with any of the comments and said that I am the one who is controlling.
He also said that what I did is unforgivable as well as irresponsible and reckless. I said I needed to be alone to think about things. After I thought about everything that happened, I asked him if we could talk the next day. Despite what happened I felt it would be the decent thing to talk on the phone. I feel he responded pretty aggressively, saying things like “I am ready now, don’t know about tomorrow.
He told me to write it down as I preferred to have a mob go at him, to text him tomorrow to check when he’s available, and that he’s not at my disposal. I told him to please stop being aggressive, it’s unreasonable to expect me to guess when he’s available, and that the point of asking when he’s available is to appreciate he may have other things to do.
The next day, I sent him a voice recording because I felt that he would turn aggressive on the phone. I told him that I think we are on different paths and it would be for the best to end this relationship. Apparently by that point he already decided to end the relationship, but then said later that he was willing to give me a second chance and that his love was stronger.
He said that he made grave mistakes and that he feels sorry, but he doesn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t let him be himself. Okay, I hope that gives him the closure he needs. Then I had a cup of coffee. Sorry if it was unclear! What I meant to say is that I broke up with him. And then I enjoyed my cup of coffee in peace.
The internet was invested in the update.
niamhk13 wrote:
Just a question here - did you make you are your boyfriend identifiable in the post? How would anyone have know it was your bf to share his social media. Other than him when you showed him the post and responses
Throwing out the theory here that he posted his own social media in there to manipulate the situation and distract it from him being wrong. It's no longer about him being controlling about coffee but makes you feel bad and puts you at fault for making the post.
OP responded:
No, I didn’t post any identifiable information. No names, no locations, nothing. Just a conversation. I thought perhaps someone found my social media page through a picture I posted of myself and found him that way, so I deleted it.
I also thought that it might have actually been him, because I sent him a screenshot of my original post when there were only 6 comments and he didn’t seem to have anything wrong with what I wrote. In fact he kept asking if more people commented. He told me that someone gave him the link to the post. I never hid the post from him.
niamhk13 wrote:
Really strange! I think it was him tbh but gal I see in the comments you are now free to enjoy your lukewarm coffee in peace 👏.
OP responded:
Yeah, on second thought I should have asked him to send me a screenshot of what messages he received. Thank you :) I definitely did!
thechrissie wrote:
He definitely posted that s-t himself.
jinxykatte wrote:
My wife leaves her coffee until it's stone cold, I call her weird in a joking way. Then I get the f-k on with my life cos her drinking her coffee cold doesn't impact my life in the slightest.