'AITA for telling my BF he shouldn't do a couple's costume with his girl BFF for Halloween?' MAJOR UPDATE
"AITAH for telling my boyfriend he shouldn't take his girl best friend for couple's costume for Halloween?'
My boyfriend (26m) and I (23f) have been together for 8 months. He is very kind to me and has never raised or voice or lost his temper with me. I was introduced to his friends very early in our relationship, and I get along with them just fine.
He and his friends have been friends from nursery days and they are all very nice to me. He has a friend, Vivian (fake name), who along with his two other friends plan for Halloween every year months in advance. I have never doubted any foul play about them, and I have never wanted to be the 'jealous' new girlfriend who ruins friendships.
The problem is, that my boyfriend works in a firm where they apparently throw Halloween parties. He goes with one of his friends every year, and this year was Vivian's turn to go with him because last year he went with his friend Tom. Plus, he and Viv have a 'thing' about scary costumes and horror and they share the same love for Halloween.
The thing is, I love Halloween too. My boyfriend knows that, and we share that common interest too. Granted, I can't just claim a common interest. But he didn't even ask me once if I wanted to go with him, since he and Viv started planning two months ago. We were dating then, and he never mentioned it to me.
It's just that, I thought that he could have at least asked me. He mentioned to me two days ago that he and Viv had their couples Halloween costumes ready and if I wanted to see them. I did not feel as positive about it as I should have, and I guess it showed on my face because he asked what was wrong and I asked him why he never even asked me to go with him once.
He didn't get mad but said that he won't change his rituals with his friends for his relationship. He told me I knew about it early on, as he told me before. I felt hurt, and I told him that's a hurtful thing to say, and he didn't respond. He has been giving me the silent treatment.
I have never expected him to dump plans with his friends for me, ever. I don't mind when he does escape rooms with Viv or always has hiking plans with Tom and the others. The only reason I thought he could have asked me is because I love Halloween too, and thought it was a common interest. But now I feel I have stepped over the line and I feel really awful. AITAH?
The internet had a lot to say in response.
RantyMcthrowAway wrote:
NTA. Hold up, did he really tell you word-for-word that his "couple's costume" was ready? And asked if you wanted to see them? Is he having a laugh?
"he won't change his rituals with his friends for his relationship"
... not even having a whole "couple's costume" with someone else? That's crazy. Part of being in a relationship is fitting your partner in with your friends, the things you normally do.
I just think if he was really that into you, and Viv was really such a good friend, you'd be the plus one this time and she'd understand, because you are his girlfriend. Of course you're right to feel left out. If he can't see this from your perspective, I don't think he's cut out to be your boyfriend.
BriefHorror wrote:
If he honestly can't see whats wrong here dump him. He's "never raised his voice or yelled at me" so the bare minimum? You're keeping around a man who is blatantly disrespectful for the bare minimum?
Sure-Ingenuity6714 wrote:
Why are you feeling bad? Your supposed BF is acting like he is single rather than part of a couple. Not shouting or hitting you does not make him a good BF. Listening to your thoughts and feelings would make him a good BF but he does none of those things. From what you have posted, I do not think he is into you very much. Are you sure you are his GF because he does not treat you as one? NTA.
cthulularoe wrote:
So, if this is a tradition that he has with his friends and it was established before you and he got together, it makes sense why he's doing a couples costume with Viv. but!
"He didn't get mad but said that he won't change his rituals with his friends for his relationship."
This is a red flag! Of course he should change his rituals with his friends because of his relationship. He could have just told you he'd do a couples costume with you next year, adding you to the rotation, as it were.
But just saying you're not as important as his friend relationship puts you at a lower priority. I do not want to be my br/gf's second priority. And him keeping you apart from his activities with his friends is certainly another point against him.
A week later, OP shared an update.
He apologised and we broke up. I didn't want to, certainly not because he 'could' have asked me to Halloween, but his response was, he realized he was not someone who could give me the attention and care I deserved, and Vivian deserved better.
I asked him if there was something between him and Viv, and get this, he is in love with her. Some people who DM'ed me were right. Apparently, Vivian doesn't know, and while I was crying and felt like I was going to have a panic attack, he was explaining their long history and how he was too much of a coward to tell her.
Well, I guess that makes two of us because I was too much of a coward to ask if he even actually liked me. I'm a wreck. I took sick leave this week and luckily my professors were understanding. I feel like its my fault. I didn't even want him to not go with Viv.
All I did was ASK why did he not think of taking me once, now that we were dating for almost a year. I know it wasn't my fault and it was for the best but I'm constantly blaming myself for opening my mouth. My friends are telling me to go to a therapist, but with my grad school work and the mess of a person I am, I don't know what I'll do.
I want to yell at him for wasting my time and hurting my feelings, even though he cried and apologized and kept on saying I deserved better. I know I do. I feel like Vivian won, even though she doesn't know, and I have no right to be angry at her because it is all my ex. I don't think I'll update after this. Maybe if something big happens.
The commenters had a lot to say in response.
Longjumping-lab-1916 wrote:
Find time to see a therapist to help you process this and get past it, even just for 3 or 4 sessions. You were betrayed, and that hurts. A lot. Your ex is emotionally immature.
RikkeJane wrote:
Hugs to you from a total stranger! I do understand the idea of yelling at him because if he had just man up and told her, you wouldn’t have gotten hurt by him, hell you probably wouldn’t have ever gotten involved with him. Vivian didn’t even think is was a bad idea to go to a work party whit someone who is in a relationship so she just as much a part of this as he is.
Skew_B_Doo wrote:
I wouldn’t dwell on whether it’s “your fault” for bringing this up. You didn’t create his behavior by acknowledging it. You clearly wouldn’t have preferred to pretend everything was fine while all this was taking place. You brought it up because it needed to be brought up.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, and I know it sounds cliché, but you are better off. Being one of those girlfriends who look the other way and wear fake smiles for the sake of keeping a relationship going is not healthy. This, as terrible as it is, is healthy. Boundaries and self-respect are healthy. Take some time to grieve and focus on yourself. You are stronger than you know.
Danube_Kitty wrote:
What an AH he is! So he is too afraid to ask Vivian so he thinks it's okay to get a placeholder? Did he expected Vivian to get jealous but he forgot to break up in meantime? OP, this is not your fault. He was using you.
But I am proud of you that you sensed that this is wrong and said something. I believe it hurts and you want to think not saying anything would be better but no. You would just live in a lie longer. Remember...if anyone ask why you two broke up...tell the truth. "He has admitted his love for Vivian." This one sentence says it all including how big AH he is.