'AITA for telling my BF that if he misses our flight I’ll go without him?' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my BF that if he misses our flight I’ll go without him?"

My boyfriend and I planned a trip for the end of the summer months ago. Last night we were still trying to decide how we’d get to the airport, when my mom told me that she could take us before work. I told my boyfriend who lives 30 minutes from my house to be at my house no later than 6AM for my mother to drive us to the airport at 6:15. He promised that he would be there around 5:45.

This morning, he was nowhere to be seen or heard from until around 6:20. He told me that his phone “fell” and he didn’t hear it. By then, my mom had to leave and take just me or she’d be late to work. I told him that he should drive to the airport or get an Uber. His mom decides that she will drive him an hour to the airport, since he was too late for my mom to take us.

He gets to the airport a little after me and I check in our bags. We get to the bag drop, and he realizes he does not have his ID. His wallet is at his house which is about an hour from the airport. I tell him that I'm going to continue to TSA and go to the gate. His mom is going back to get his wallet, which will obviously take a while.

I tell him that I’m getting on the flight regardless, and that if he misses it then it’s a result of his own mishaps. He then begins to ask me what to do if he misses it. I tell him that he’s an adult, and should figure out a way to make it to our destination by contacting customer service.

I planned everything for the trip down to the flights and travel arrangements. I feel like at this point, I’ve done all I can do to ensure a successful and smooth trip and I don’t feel as if it’s my responsibility to do damage control for him if he misses the flight. There is no refund for the AirBNB that we split the price for if we do not go. AITAH for continuing without him?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

dookle14 wrote:

NTA - BF needs to grow up and act like an adult. You’ve done all the work up to this point. All he had to do was show up on time with the proper ID to make it through security…and he couldn’t do that. He needed mom to bail him out.

If he misses the flight, it’s a good opportunity for him to learn about what consequences are. And to sort out his own issues for himself. For OP - his reaction will tell you a lot about him. If he does miss the flight and has to figure things out himself, does he get mad at you or pout? Or does he own up to his own mistakes and accept responsibility/apologize for causing these issues?

OP responded:

I agree. First, it was the not waking up on time…and he couldn’t even remember to double check for his wallet? I give him grace but that’s just something I can’t understand.

Alibeee64 wrote:

Is he like this in other aspects of life? Honestly, it sounds exhausting. If so, some time alone will help you gain some perspective. Enjoy your trip, alone or otherwise.

OP responded:

He’s often late, which is why I told him an earlier time specifically to avoid that. I called him endlessly and he didn’t wake up until way after the time we agreed upon. His mom had to go to him and wake him up.

I told her that I was going to leave without him and she said, “He was up late”. So was I…I already told him that I was getting exhausted of planning literally everything and that I want him to begin to take some charge and responsibility, and this happens. Thank you!

Late_Meaning_2328 wrote:

NTA - He's 24. None of the things you describe are hard to do if you maturely approach them. He needs to man up. Maybe the Marines will help him do that.

His phone "fell" when he knows you'd probably be calling.

Stays up late (seems without need) before an early flight.

Forgets ID - It's akin to forgetting the ticket. Only two things you need to get on a plane.

Can't put on a luggage tag.

Often late.

Just a lack of responsibility here. Focus. Like a kid that got "mothered" on everything and never had to really grow up. Going through life on autopilot. A few years in the Marines is probably going to be really good for him because they won't tolerate that, and he'll learn.

OP responded:

I hope so. These things have been minute in my mind but I have recently begun to ask him to take more initiative in planning (to no avail). For example, we were originally going to take the train to the airport so I asked him to organize that. He kept asking me questions so I still had to show him the train schedule and itinerary.

MajorIllustrious5082 wrote:

Sounds like you're dating a child (mentally) needs to start acting like an adult. I can only imagine his whole life has no purpose and just coasts through everyday. How can people be so disorganised. 100% get on that plane, and get a new boyfriend when you return. One that has goals in life.

OP responded:

I’m going to board! When we were checking our bags, he asked me how to put the bag tag on… at that point I was over it and already decided I’m taking this vacation, with him or not. He’s actually leaving for Marine bootcamp on Sept. 3 which is why we planned the trip.

aboveyardley wrote:

NTA, but understand that if you stay with this guy long-term you're going to be filling the Mommy Who Takes Care of Me role in his life.

OP responded:

I will keep feeling out the situation and hold off on marriage or anything serious for a good while now.

Late_External3249 wrote:

This is why I, a 40 year old man, am always super early to the airport. I can easily post up at the closest bar to my gate and chill for 2 hours without a care in the world.

OP responded:

This. I’d rather be there obnoxiously earlier than late.

Sixteen hours later, OP shared a short update.

He’s here. I told him I don’t want to talk about it tonight.

The next day, OP jumped on again with an update.

There are no bad vibes. We had a conversation and he agreed with my concerns.

Four days later, OP shared another longer update.

This is long, but asked for. Skip the first body of text if you read the OG post. I think the trip - despite the mishaps and the conclusion that I’m going to come to at the end of this note - was eye opening for me and I’m grateful for it. I have had a track record of misjudging and misinterpreting behaviors, and I promised myself that it wouldn’t happen again.

So I set my boundaries early. The trip began with him oversleeping and therefore not meeting me at my house to carpool to the airport. Not a heinous act in itself, but something that has happened multiple times on different occasions. Once he finally awoke and met me at the airport, late, his discovered that he did not have his wallet.

The most important thing to have when traveling. Wondering how someone could forget something so essential, I waited for him to look for it to no avail. He called his mother - blaming her for rushing him in the morning (which could have been avoided by him being a responsible adult and waking up on time and preparing his things the night before) and not taking any accountability.

Luckily, she came to his rescue. But not soon enough. He had to rebook his flight and arrived later that day. In the process, still asking me what gate number the flight was (while the gate number was displayed on a screenshot that he sent me), instead of using the information that I spoon fed to him. I organized the entire trip. Down to transportation, flight, accommodations, and more.

I gave him a small ball to carry, and he still dropped it. In the process of dropping that ball, he failed to take accountability for his actions. I should’ve known how the rest of the trip would go. During the trip, there were multiple instances that solidified the feelings that were already looming. Outbursts of anger that were followed by child-like behavior and excuses.

When confronted, there were only excuses and a lack of accountability. All followed by, “but I’m trying so hard”, “what am I doing wrong?”, despite the issue being directly explained. He lost his debit card and despite my efforts in tracing his steps, calling businesses we visited, and everything, he stormed off ahead of me in range, leaving me behind, walking alone on the street.

When I explained why that bothered me and was unacceptable, here came more excuses and rambling about how he didn’t mean for it to happen, but still did it. While walking to different restaurants, he cussed at men who’d even look at me. Stare them down and almost cause a scene.

He misplaced his wallet before dinner, and acted in the same rage full manner - cussing, slamming things, throwing items around, instead of calmly looking for his wallet. I sat there in disbelief, as this behavior had not been something I had seen before. I told him that this was unattractive and demonstrated a lack of control and emotional maturity.

More excuses.There are probably more examples that I could use, but they’re fleeing my mind. It’s the night before departure. I’m in tears. It started at the beach. We decided to take a night swim. All was well, until he lost his ring in the ocean. Luckily, I was right next to him, so I was able to quickly use my hands and grab it. He got out to put it in the sand (smart, right).

Once we were done, he got upset that I sent his mom a video of him dancing. I walked away because I didn’t want to hear it. He then called me back to tell me that he lost his ring in the sand. We look for the ring (by we, I mean me on my hands and knees and him walking around with a flashlight). I finally find it. We begin to walk back to the room.

I say, “can I say something serious? I am beginning to feel like your mother sometimes. Keeping track of your things and helping you do damage control”. He responds with a lot - how I didn’t have to help him, how I don’t acknowledge everything he’s been doing (like calling Ubers and paying for things), how I’m not like his mom and how he didn’t ask me to do anything.

In anger, I tell him f you and walk away. Yes, I know this is unkind and I did apologize for my behavior later. I walk to the room alone. He begs me to talk when he gets there, and I don’t want to. I shower and tell him one thing, “this trip has really made me reconsider whether I want to be in the relationship”.

He goes berserk - begging me please to talk to him, saying that I don’t acknowledge all the “good” he’s doing, on and on. I tell him that I don’t wish to have the conversation, don’t wish to be touched, and want to be left alone. Here, I also apologize for my rude words (without making any excuses).

He tells me I’m always rude (prior to dating, I did use harsh words when he showed up to my house unexpectedly and demonstrated other signs of emotional immaturity and ignored my wishes). He begins to try to hug me, I tell him to get off of me. He continues to touch me as I try to lay down in the bed, trying to hug and hold my hand. Here, I break down in tears. I run to the bathroom and begin to sob.

I come out, as he’s continually crying and begging me to talk to him. He begins to raise his voice and make a scene. I run to grab the pull out bed from the closet to sleep on. He blocks me and pushes the bed, telling me I don’t need it. I get increasingly aggregated because I’m being blocked, and tell him to move out of my way and leave me alone. He doesn’t, and protests by sitting on the pull out bed.

I rip the comforter off of the actual bed and make a bed on the floor. He takes the blanket and pillows from under me, saying he won’t let me sleep on the floor. He continues to yell in my ear for me to get up, that he loves me, put everything behind us, while he keeps pulling the pillow that I reclaimed. He has finally left me alone on the floor. Leaving for the airport in 3 hours.

Here's what people had to say after these updates:

Opposite-Quantity795 wrote:

Wow I would go to the airport without him and change my flight to a different time if possible then disappear. If not possible change your seat. Leave and never look back this man’s actions have shown you who he truly is and it is not a person that is worthy of a relationship with you.

Also be careful because he sounds ab-sive. Don’t be there when you break up with him. Break up by text and then disappear. Block him, stay at a friend or relatives for a while. Do not be alone with this man.

OP responded:

I was thinking about changing my flight, honestly. I am still trying to figure out the logistics of a break up, like how and when that could happen.

Super_Selection1522 wrote:

That's only going to escalate in future arguments. Get home safe please and never see this man again.

OP responded:

It’s concerning because the type of rage that was ignited in me is a type that has only come out with past exes. Being cornered and my personal space violated is something I just cannot do…at all. I will say that I did try to push him out of the way, maybe I shouldn’t have, and raised my voice because I was afraid that his yelling would get us kicked out (our reservation has a quiet hours policy).

JanetInSpain wrote:

OMG The minute you get home block him on everything and never see him again. Not only is he a huge manbaby he's showing signs of literal abuse. Do not believe one word he says. You have just lived the actual life you would live full time if you continue this relationship. Send him back to Mommy Dearest. She created this nightmare. Let her deal with it. You deserve an actual man.

OP responded:

It’s so scary, but I know what has to be done. Rebuilding a connection, realizing everything was a facade, trying to find someone else who can suit me well.

I_wanna_be_anemone wrote:

I mean, with the guy's track record, just leave for the airport early, get on your flight and enjoy the extra legroom because without you there to wipe his ass he won’t make it to the airport on time. His mom failed him, he’s failed himself. This manchild is not worth the time nor effort. You deserve an actual grownup.

Considering references to previous ex’s, I strong recommend you get therapy and take the time to come to terms with feeling secure when alone. You don’t need a relationship to be ‘whole’, for your sake, some introspection is needed on why you seem mentally colourblind to the red flags until you get stuck in the middle of a parade.

OP responded:

Thanks for the advice. I’m totally fine with being alone, I was single for three years before him and loved it. I guess the hard part is how everyone else around me, including him, will feel or perceive me. I am working on continually doing the best for myself, and this is part of it.

throwaway-rayray wrote:

This guy has the emotional capability and regulation of a toddler. This would be OP’s life if she stayed with him.

I see comments around the logistics of the break up.

It’s been six hours so whatever has happened, has happened. I think OP should have left for the airport and taken the flight with him. Acting like things will be fine. They don’t live together, so if they’re not already going separate ways after the airport, I hope OP will find an excuse to. Then break up with him over the phone and not in person. His violent outbursts could become physical.

OP responded:

I left for the airport, alone. When I left he was asleep. When I boarded the plane, he texted me saying that I should have woken him up so that he didn’t miss the flight. He said that I should have at least woken him up because apparently his phone was on silent.

Afke1968 wrote:

If you feel unsafe: Record a future conversation and send it to his mom.

OP responded:

Although, I do feel like it will not change anything. When he walked away from me the other day, I told her, and she told me to “just be happy with him and be in love and work things out”. She makes excuses for him constantly.

Hours later, OP shared another update.

I left for the airport, alone. When I left he was asleep. When I boarded the plane, he texted me saying that I should have woken him up so that he didn’t miss the flight. He said that I should have at least woken him up because apparently his phone was on silent.

Not long after that, she shared another update.

Thanks for your support, we did break up. He is leaving in a week. I did break up with him via text. I told him not to contact my parents or come to our home. He did both the next day, texting my mom and leaving flowers at my doorstep. He is continually telling me he will seek therapy and that I am the only woman for him who he still loves.

His mother actually told him that he should move on and find someone who doesn’t fight with him all the time. I told her initially that his behavior was abusive and she agreed that he sounded like his dad, her ex husband (physically, intimately, verbally, emotionally harmful).

I told her that I wouldn’t even consider him in the future unless he sought therapy and that I had concerns about him passing bootcamp. She told me that therapy makes your brain sick and that he should find someone who believes in him.

Here's what people had to say after this update:

sh-ttiest-kitty wrote:

I can never believe a person who reacts to hearing how their behaviour causes harm by screaming with rage “I love you!” is really a safe and healthy partner. OP put up some boundaries and I’m reminded of “boundaries feel like harm/ab-se when you’re used to getting your way all the time." Good riddance to toddlers in adult bodies.

fishcanner wrote:

You'd think missing two flights would be a wake up call to him.

jmac15 wrote:

I am *extremely* satisfied that she let him miss the second flight. Outstanding, no notes. "I'm not your mother" and just to hammer the point home that he is an ineffectual child.

Ubern00b719 wrote:

The fact that he is leaving early next month for MARINES boot camp is concerning. If he is this used to getting mothered, I'd LOVE to be the fly on the barracks wall watching DI's get in his face for hours at a time...