My boyfriend and I have been together almost ten years, we have two kids together, we've been together since high school. Early on in high school the subject of marriage was brought up, and that we would do it some day.
He offered marriage when he turned 18 to help me get out of my biological mom's grasp, but we found another way and didn't get married that young. I ended up a teen pregnancy (I was 18+) so we werent married before our first was born.
I hated needing a "third party" to approve him to the birth certificate, I hated not having my baby's last name (both kids have his last name because we were "traditional" and my family sucks more).
I told him that before we had another kid, I wanted to be married, even just going to the court house. I'm not religious, but I was raised religious in a small town so I was embarrassed and I just wanted to feel like a family "unit." He agreed.
We moved away from my small town. We were looking at rings. I got pregnant with #2 and I mentioned to him many times that I wanted to have the same last name as him and our kids, and didn't want to need a third party in the room again for the birth certificate when baby was born. Our second was born and got his last name, still not married. At this point I was fed up with him and things in our relationship were rocky so I gave up asking.
Things got better and we were moving back to my home town. I asked him to marry me just so I can change my last name before moving home. He agreed. Of course it didn't happen and I'm in my home town where I don't want to be in the first place.
I've already gotten flack at my daughter's school (one of the teachers there knew me from when I was little and specifically pointed out how I had no ring and asked if both my kids were from my boyfriend). Doctor's office visits always ask how I'm related (not the same last name) so they want to make sure they're my kids (this was more of a problem in big city vs home town). Etc.
He's realized how fed up with this, I am over this, and said he wanted to get married "right now" and just do it. I told him no. I don't want it anymore, I've already been embarrassed and the only reason I would get it is because I nagged. I don't want a "shut up" ring from him.
At this point we'll stay together, and I still HATE my last name and hate that my kids don't match, but it's too much work to change their names to mine. I asked him "because we won't get married, could I change their last names?"
He freaking tells me "no because then I'll have a different last name from them." LIKE??? YEAH I KNOW. He acted all butt hurt and told me to stop being dramatic and just marry him.
I said no, and if he asked right now I'd say no, I'm over it. AITAH for saying no and being "difficult?" This is one of our many irritations in our relationship and I don't think I'm being difficult, just tired of it.
NTA for not wanting to marry him. But YTA to yourself if you stay with him when you are so unhappy. You can find somebody who appreciates you while you co-parent with him.
The “difficult” behaviors are an outcry from the years of having your wishes/needs dismissed. I would strongly advise working through all this before getting married.
Why are you still in this relationship then? You had 10 years to choose something different and now you gave up and are just…staying for what exactly?
NTA. Whats the point now? You already dealt with all the bullshit from him blowing it off for god know how long. This dude sounds like a real piece of work. You should change your last name BTW. Not to his, because he refused that honor, but to something you like for yourself.
NTA but you can change your last name without getting married.
YTA, My son has my last name. My fiancé has never had any of these issues. I’m sorry if you do. You have been trying to force him to propose, it’s manipulative and wrong. Then when he tells you let’s go do it, you tell him no? Gaslighting much?