'AITA for telling my boyfriend's kids to eat what’s for dinner or don’t eat at all?'
"AITA for telling my boyfriend's kids to eat what’s for dinner or don’t eat at all?"
I (27f) have been with my boyfriend (30) for a little over a year now. We recently moved in together. I have a 8-year-old from an ex, and my boyfriend has 2 kids ages 6 and 9. Since we moved in together I now have his children every weekend and he works Fridays, so I am alone with them til he is off work.
Friday night I made meatloaf with roasted broccoli and mash potatoes. My son eats well, he knows to eat the best he can, and if he doesn’t finish his food that’s okay. But he at least has to eat the most he can unless he doesn’t want a bedtime snack. I hold my boyfriend's children to these same rules, which we haven’t had any issues with til Friday night.
Neither of the kids liked the food, the 9-year-old ate it, the 6-year-old refused. So I said I’m not making you another meal. He went to bed without dinner. When my boyfriend got home his 6-year-old was complaining he was hungry and my boyfriend was upset that I refused to make him something else. I told him I wouldn’t hold his children to different rules than my child.
He got upset and ended up making him something else to eat, then told me it was horrible of me to “deny a child dinner” and blamed it on his young age, explaining I had to be more lenient. I explained that I raised a young child before and I was once a young child and followed those same rules, which just resulted in a huge argument, and him calling me ignorant.
Today we got a call from my boyfriend's ex, and now the children don’t want to come til Saturday, or Friday night late when my boyfriend is off work. This caused another big argument between my boyfriend and I. He once again called me an ignorant AH, and said I needed to change my way of thinking. AITA?
Add: I did not force this kid to go to bed hungry, I suggested him to eat a larger portion of his mash potatoes and smaller portion of other things which he refused, and he didn’t want to make anything else himself.
The internet had a lot of thoughts about the situation.
Wickedlove3 wrote:
Did the kids flat out refuse to try it? We have a three bite rule. Try three bites if you don't like it you may help yourself to fruit , yogurt or make yourself a sandwich or something or the sorts. Did you allow them a healthy alternative that they could help themselves to? Did he know of your rule prior or was this the first time the rule came to surface?
YTA for not allowing the kids to go make themselves something else. You don't need to make two meals , but people are allowed to dislike something. At 6 they should be capable of making a sandwich or a bowl of fruit for themselves as an alternative.
OP responded:
The 9-year-old tried it and ate some of his plate, the 6-year-old refused to even try a bite. He was aware of this rule prior.
shark_grrrl wrote:
YTA. I'm assuming that you're well intentioned and feel that this is the most helpful approach for kids development so you're not TA for that - but this approach is outdated and not helpful for development. It teaches kids to ignore their own bodily sensations, hunger cues, etc. which makes it harder for them to self-regulate their own eating and food choices in future.
It can also create a negative/punitive relationship with food. Even if it is working for you kid, not every kid is the same and may not work for your boyfriend's kids. It's not ok to have a child go without dinner (or without food for an extended period when they're hungry).
The main part YTA for though is that this isn't your child. You don't get to decide how to parent the child, especially if the child's parents both agree on how the child should be parented and treated and you're trying to go against that.
If you are unwilling to care for the kids in any other way, then you need to tell your boyfriend that you can't look after them for mealtimes, and accept however he decides to proceed around that.
You DEFINITELY don't get to be annoyed that the kids don't want to come over for those mealtimes. I would also refuse to spend time around someone who made me experience significant physical discomfort and denied me access to food.
OP responded:
There was no denying access of food. If he wanted something else he would to have had to make it. I make them snacks after school which is around 5. I make dinner at 630. And I’ve had a discussion with my boyfriend that I should treat them and hold them to the same rules as my own child.
kase_horizon responded:
Expecting a six year old to make their own dinner or jot eat at all because they didn't like/want what you made sure does pretty close to denying access to food...
OP responded:
Does a 6-year-old not know how to make a bowl of cereal, or grab a banana off the counter? Because I watch them make their own breakfast some morning so that surely is not impossible.
yellowcoffee1 wrote:
Did you present those options to him?
OP responded:
I told him to grab something else for dinner and they help themselves to snacks when it’s time for snacks such as that.
stroppo wrote:
NTA, and you should think about moving out. And breaking up, after being called "ignorant." You were raised in a different way, that doesn't make you ignorant. I was raised the same way; eat what's served or you don't get to eat. But, you do say there were no issues until this one dinner. Why do you think that is?
Was there anything especially different about the food? Meatloaf and potatoes sounds pretty standard. There are jokes about people not liking broccoli, which I never understood, as I always liked it, but kids generally gravitate to meat and potatoes so it sounds like there were other things they could've eaten. What made this meal different?
OP responded:
He didn’t like the meatloaf, or broccoli. I told him to get a bigger portion of the mash potatoes then, and just a small piece of meatloaf and a little piece of broccoli and he refused.
smol9749been wrote:
INFO: had you guys ever discussed this rule before, or set out other parenting guidelines?
OP responded:
We never directly discussed it but he was aware of my rule for my son and did agree that I should treat his children as my own under the same rules.
tempuratetemptations wrote:
ESH, only because of his age. Kids shouldn’t go to be hungry when they don’t need to. Your bf sucks for being rude and calling you names. It’s wild that he expects you to have his kid for most of the day yet wants to call you names when your parenting styles differ. He needs to pick a lane.
That being said , i understand your rule, and I too grew up on that. However if I didn’t like the food, I would have to make my own food , sandwich, cereal , cup noodles etc. if that wasn’t available my mom would do something quick and simple. Not a whole new meal, just something for me to eat.
It’s not a good lesson for a child to be forced to eat something they don’t want or be hungry. Seems kind of like a power play on your part too tbh. If you refused to make him something simple like a sandwich. There is definitely a middle ground between teaching them to try new food and to be grateful for what they have, and going to bed hungry because he didn’t want to eat your food.
OP responded:
I updated my post bc I offered him a larger portion of mash potatoes and smaller portions of the other thing or to make his own dinner. I just would not be making something else.
InterestingNarwhal82 wrote:
If my kid doesn’t like what I cooked, she has to make herself a slice of bread with peanut butter or cheese and a piece of fruit. Basically, she needs to eat something that will fuel her body, and she has to make it (adding nothing to my plate, as it were). I would not appreciate my kid being sent to bed without anything to eat, especially if it wasn’t mine or their dad’s call. YTA.
OP responded:
As you can check, I’ve updated my post bc I informed the child to eat more mash potatoes or make something else.