'AITA for telling my brother our mother isn’t a robot and is allowed to be sad?'
"AITA for telling my brother our mother isn’t a freaking robot and is allowed to be sad?"
My brother and his wife like to do their own thing. They are much more my way or the highway then compromising. The big issue right now is that they eloped, which they are allowed to do obviously. He told everyone last night at diner. It was a big shock to everyone since for the longest time they didn't want to marry.
When he told the news, our mother told him congratulations but it was clear that she wasn't very happy about it. She didn't say anything but her congratulations where forced and she looked close to crying. I asked if she was fine when cleaning up. Mom was sad that she didn't get to see him get married but overall she would be fine.
My brother gave me a call later that night and he had an issue with her response. He wasn't happy at all that she wasn't very excited. That him and his wife found it disrespectful. I asked if mom said anything to him and he confirmed she didn't.
I told him that mom isn't a freaking robot and she is allowed to be sad. That she didn't get to see her kid get married and being sad isn't an odd emotion to have about it.
This started an arguement and he thinks I am being a jerk for defending her.
Commenters had a lot to say in response.
epicchefuk wrote:
NTA. You did the right thing. If they wanted to elope they could, and they did.
"Mom was sad that she didn't get to see him get married but overall she would be fine."
I think this is a perfectly reasonable human reaction for a mom to have, because she loves her son and would really have wanted to be part of it.
"I told him that mom isn't a robot and she is allowed to be sad. That she didn't get to see her kid get married and being sad isn't an odd emotion to have about it."
I think your brother's expectation that your mother be nothing but excited about it is unreasonable, and getting mad is also unreasonable. Explaining the situation to him like you did was absolutely the right thing, and sticking up for your mom who you love so much and who very clearly loves you both so much.
MaybeHughes responded:
Agreed. NTA Your defense was very compassionate. Your mom was really mature, in that she recognized their boundary and honored by not confronting them or putting her emotions on them. But that's a sad thing to miss out on. Your brother and SIL sound like they're taking the concept of boundary too far, to the point of policing people's emotions.
rockology_adam wrote:
NTA. The only villain here is your brother, but not for eloping. I get that. Some people need that freedom and independence to just do whatever they need to do.
But if you're going to be that person, you HAVE to make space for people to be disappointed that they missed out on something. Turning around and being upset that your mother was upset that she didn't get to attend your wedding is wildly immature.
That's the real word here. It's immature. Again, the precipating actions, eloping, telling your mother at dinner, aren't villainous in and of themselves. But you can't exclude people from things and get upset with them for feeling bad about being excluded. This is children-on-the-playground level maturity, and your brother isn't even there.
louisiana-cat1 wrote:
NTA - why should he get to police your emotions about an event he didn’t want you at. Like you said he’s entitled to get married in whatever way he wants with whichever people he wants present. Your mom is allowed to respond to the news however she feels.
Tell your brother that if he didn’t care about your mom’s feelings when he was getting married he shouldn’t care too much now. Kinda silly that her reaction is sooo important to him but her presence at his wedding wasn’t.
Pandacotton wrote:
NTA. Your brother does what he wants, but he can't control how people react. He has to accept that your mother may have been hurt or sad and that her feelings are valid. In making this decision, he should have expected surprise or disappointment from some people, as long as they respect his choice they are allowed to have feelings.
Active-Anteater1884 wrote:
NTA. More than once, I've been in a situation where the right thing to say/do was directly opposed to what I was actually feeling. Your Mom didn't say, "F u both, get out of my house, I hate you." She did the right thing, put her feelings aside, and congratulated the couple. If they detected sadness on her part ... well, what can you do?
Also, it was incredibly foolish of your brother to spring this on everyone at the dinner table. A phone call ahead of time would have given your mother a chance to pull herself together, and put on a better act, for the happy couple. (Who frankly, sound like a couples of pains in the butt.)
Simple-Caterpillar14 wrote:
Self-centered people always think everybody else who has inconvenient emotions are jerks. Did they have to stage a wedding for everybody else? no of course not, that's ridiculous. But they also have absolutely no right to police how anybody else feels about that decision. Certainly has no right to badger you or your mother or anyone else about it. NTA.
aj_alva wrote:
NTA. I think you are being very neutral about the situation - happy for him, understanding of her. I'm guessing your brother might be feeling a little bad about how everything went down and would rather be mad at you, or distracted by "arguing" with you, than having to talk it out and acknowledge your moms feelings.
GirlL1997 wrote:
NTA.
My bestie told me she was thinking of eloping years ago. I told her that I would support her no matter what, but her mom would definitely be upset and I wanted her to be prepared for that.
It was during C0VID so the plan was to have a big traditional wedding later when it was safer, well life happened and they never had their big traditional celebration and she told me that she is sooo glad I brought up how her family would feel because her intention was never to exclude them, but that’s what would have happened if they had eloped as they originally planned.
She ended up having her immediate family and grandparents as well as her husband’s immediate family come, as well as me and her husband’s best friend.