'AITA for telling my cousin why no one wants to attend my aunt's 80th birthday party?'

"AITA for telling my cousin why no one wants to attend my aunt's 80th birthday party?"

A few months ago my cousin (58F) sent out a group text message about planning a big birthday bash for my aunt who’s turning 80 in July followed by invites that were mailed.

RSVP responses were slow and not encouraging (my brother (45) totally bailed when the first text went out) so she recently started sending reminder emails including the adult children of all us cousins which has now turned into a different mess.

None of the adult children of any of my cousins are interested in attending. Many are in college/university and all of them are scattered around the US and haven’t seen our aunt (their great aunt) in years. As result, my cousin is now promoting this as ‘family reunion’/80th birthday party.

What my cousin is ignoring is that my aunt was horrible when we were growing up. She couldn’t stand kids and constantly picked, yelled and even threatened us with physical harm if we didn’t behave at every family gathering. She got drunk one Christmas Eve and told my late mom that she never wanted my cousin (who’s planning the event) and that’s why she went into the military.

After that my mom never felt comfortable around her and felt bad for my cousin because clearly her mother abandoned her. We all have nothing but bad memories of her and mostly kept our own kids away from her as we got older and started our own families.

Yesterday she called to ask why me (49) and my own adult daughters F(18 & 20) haven’t responded back and if we plan on attending because the invites she sent out weren’t coming back quickly enough.

I said “You're the only one who really wants to celebrate your mom's birthday with a big bash, so maybe you should lower your expectations.”

She got quiet on the phone and asked me to clarify if we were attending and I said “No, we decline”.

I’ve gotten a few text messages from cousins who claim she’s heartbroken that I dismissed her ‘good intentions’ while my brother said she had it coming.

AITA for being too honest?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Hillean wrote:

I'm in my 40s and our generation differs greatly from our parents'.

The days of getting the entire family together for every occasion that comes down the pipeline are done--once our grandparents passed away, that's all slowly been crumbling.

Cousins aren't as close, aunts and uncles don't visit very often, any sort of gatherings tend to be immediate family and their kids and that's about it. It's hard for the older generation to let that go, and realize not everyone is going to come gather like they did for their parents

dearest_dearie wrote:

NTA. Honestly you kept it real. Not gonna lie, your aunt wasn't exactly the life of the party growing up and ur cousins expectations are way off. You're not an AH for setting boundaries and being straight up about it.

CandylandCanada wrote:

ESH. You should have declined from the outset; that is proper etiquetted. Had you done so, then cousin may not have called, which would have obviated the need for the unpleasant conversation that you had with her. Cousin got impatient with the pace of replies, so she contacted you, at which point you told her the facts, which were that there was not a swell of support for this party within the family.

Commenters have missed the point that you did NOT take the the step further of telling her WHY that is the case. Cousins who are dumping on you for speaking the truth will be expected to get out their party hats and bake a cake, because they obviously can't wait to celebrate Auntie Ahole. Have they responded?

Eastiegirl333 wrote:

NTA. Who cares if she is heartbroken? I’m confused why your cousin has decided to throw this party when his mother was such a horrid woman, but no one is under any obligation to attend a party celebrating someone who treated them poorly. She shouldn’t be shocked, karma is a b#$ch.

DumbBitchByLeaps wrote:

Your aunt is lonely and has realized that no one in her family comes around. Of course it’s her fault but when you treat people horribly, you can’t expect them to stick around. As for your cousin, well, she’ll be seeking her mother’s approval till the day her mother passes.

She’ll probably never get it so it’ll be a vicious cycle of always trying to get her mother‘s approval but never receiving it. As for you op you don’t have to go to her birthday party. Perhaps you could have been a little kinder in your response, but I think your cousin needs somebody to be blunt with her. NTAH.

Faithlesswink wrote:

Sounds like your aunt missed the "love and support" memo from the family. You're definitely NTA for declining the invite and being honest about your feelings. Your cousin may need a reality check about how your aunt's actions have affected the family over the years.

Hopefully this can all be resolved in a mature and understanding manner, but if not, just remember that you have every right to prioritize your mental well-being.

Flatulent_Oppossum wrote:

NTA. Sucks your cousin had a crap mom, but she shouldn't be surprised no one wants to celebrate a woman who was horrible to everyone, herself included.

Solution3366 wrote:

You’re not NTA for telling the truth about why people don’t want to attend, but you could have been more sympathetic to the person who probably got the worst of the abuse (and from her mother no less, not a distant aunt).

This is not about the party. This is about deep relationships. Give her some grace, and maybe some compassion as well. You don’t need to go to the party to do that. Maybe just talk to her.

Inevitable_Pie9541 wrote:

Oof. You told her what she already knows. Her mother is horrible, and without a doubt, your poor cousin is planning this big party, that no-one in the family will want to attend, as a hopeless quest to finally get love from her withholding mother.

You could've been gentler about it, but you're not obligated to participate in this pointless attempt by your cousin to pretend, pushing your family to help, that your aunt is a wonderful person everyone adores and will rally round to celebrate her 80th.

Sad situation. NAH.