'AITA for telling my dad he made a dumb decision and I don't need to fix it for him?'

"AITA for telling my dad he made a dumb decision and I don't need to fix it for him?"

My mom passed away when I (16M) was 5. I remember her, just not amazingly well. When I was 7 my dad started dating again and met Mara. At first I was upset about Mara and my dad dating and didn't want to meet her and gave her a hard time.

I told her I didn't want her replacing my mom. She gave me space to let out all my feelings at her and then she reassured me she was not here to take mom's place. She told me she really liked my dad and wanted to really like me too but she didn't have to be my mom for us to like each other.

At first I wasn't sure if I believed her. But she won me over and we got along really well. She even lived with us for a year. But when I was 10 dad broke up with Mara and said she wasn't trying hard enough to fill the role of mom for me and I needed a mom. I told him I didn't want another mom and I loved Mara.

That she was the best. Mara was blindsided by it because things had been so good and I don't think my dad had said it would be a dealbreaker. Within a few months he met his wife, Stacey. Stacey was a single mom with a 2 year old daughter. I was 11 by then. Stacey was very on board to be my new mom and I was not.

I said it so many times I didn't want a new mom, I wouldn't call someone else mom, I missed Mara and wouldn't give Stacey a chance if she tried to take over mom's place. I was ignored and dad and Stacey got married when I was 12. After my 16th birthday, which was June, my dad kinda realized I was serious about not wanting a mom and not giving Stacey a chance to be my mom.

She has tried so hard too. She has tried to make me love her and her daughter. But I'm not here to get a new mom. I'm not open to it, something dad now knows. It's caused a lot of strain with him and Stacey because Stacey found out I had DMd Mara recently and apologized for dad and thanked her for being awesome and saying I miss her.

Stacey said she can't even get me to say I like her. I told her it's because I don't. That I don't like people who don't listen or who think they can make me do things like let them be my new mom. Stacey said she was expecting/promised a family for her daughter. Not this. Dad pulled me aside a few nights ago and told me he now realizes I was serious about the things I said and he realizes I loved Mara.

But that he really wanted the best for me and someone who wouldn't even try to be my mom wasn't it. He told me Stacey would be such a good second mom to me and I could have a sister, if I give this a chance. He said his marriage could end if we can't pull together as a family. I told him he made a dumb decision and I wouldn't fix it for him.

I said it was fine if Mara just wasn't the one for him or if their relationship changed. But I loved her because she wasn't my mom. She was someone I could trust and love as Mara. And that my dislike of Stacey wasn't changing and neither was my unwillingness to get a new mom. Dad told me I don't get to speak to him like that. That I was out of line. AITA?

Commenters had a lot to say in response.

Janetaz18 wrote:

NTA. You have consistently told your dad over the years that you did not want a new 'mother'. And he has consistently, including now, ignored what you had to say. He's the one who screwed up, not you. Sounds like he made promises to Stacey that he expected you to keep for him. That's all on him. And you're right, it's not up to you to 'fix' it.

OP responded:

That's exactly how it sounds to me too. He didn't believe me, so he promised her this traditional family with the four of us, where she'd get to be a mom to me and I'd be a son to her and a brother to her daughter. At no point did he consider even for a second that I wasn't lying about not wanting a new mom. Took him this long to figure it out.

ayykalaam wrote:

Why the heck is Stacey telling you she was promised a family for her daughter????? Why is she putting that on you? You didn’t promise her anything and you’re not responsible for making a family for her! That’s really not okay.

This is all on your dad. NTA.

OP responded:

It's either to make me feel bad or she thinks my dad can make promises for me that I need to keep.

yepyep_nopenope wrote:

NTA. "Mom" is such a general term, that it can mean a lot of different things to different people. Rather than focusing on that word, it might be better for all of you to try and figure out specifics. When Stacey says she wants to be your mom, what does that mean? For example, does she want you to call her "mom?"

Ok, well that's something concrete that you can say yes or no to (in your case, it seems like the answer is no). Does she want you to go see movies all together? Or go on vacations together?

Maybe those are things that you would be okay with. Also, some of this sounds like it might be coming form your Dad. Maybe your Dad is telling you his ideas about how to treat Stacey, but Stacey doesn't actually care about those things.

And it seems like your Dad promised Stacey that you would do certain things without discussing it with you? Family therapy might help with all of this. But, in the meantime, try to focus on specifics and always go directly to Stacey or to your Dad to find out what they actually think. Don't rely on them to speak for each other.

OP responded:

Stacey wanted me to call her mom or ma. She has some Italian family so ma was her idea of a compromise that still worked as her being my mom. She wanted me to add her and her daughter to family trees I'd do for school. And when I told her she'd only be added to my dad she told me that wasn't right. She should be added as my mom.

She wants me to hug her sometimes. She wants me to spend more time with her willingly like I would if she were my mom. She also wants me to take on more of a sibling role with her daughter like doing stuff together or checking in with her to see how she is, finding out if she's being bullied and stuff.

She wanted me to acknowledge her on Mother's Day. She wanted me to tell her everything about my life, friends and stuff. I don't really tell her anything and she hates it. Dad made her promises it sounds like. But she does care about this stuff because she's always trying to force it and telling me I shouldn't be calling her by her first name.

Educational-Glass-63 wrote:

NTA. He asked you a question and you responded. It's not your fault he has an issue with your truth. And if the marriage ends, that's not on you either. That's on the two that are married.

In two more years you will be off to start your own life and you can choose how much contact you want with your dad. Do you still see your mom's side? You have a right to feel how you feel. Your dad can't change that because he doesn't like it. Best of luck.

OP responded:

I only have my uncle and his family and they live in another country. But they visit 1-2 a year and he group chats me pretty regularly.

Nicccels11 wrote:

NTA. You weren't out of line. Not one little bit. Your father is a manipulative idiot and dare I say lazy? Are you making a plan for your exit? Two years can be long, but often goes by in a flash. Are your maternal grandparents in the picture?

OP responded:

My maternal grandparents passed. I only have an uncle and he lives in another country with his family.