'AITA for telling my dad I hope my future husband never treats me the way he treats my mom?'

"AITA for telling my dad that I hope my future husband never treats me the way he treats my mom?"

For context, my dad and I(18F), have always been very close. We have a great relationship, and he has always been an amazing father to me and my siblings. He is always supporting me, and is there for me, which a lot of times my mom fails to do. My parents have been together for 20+ years and I have unfortunately been witness to so many arguments.

Lately as I’ve gotten older, I’ve noticed how weak their relationship is. I’ve seriously wondered if they hate each other several times. Even when they’re on good terms, I can sense the weird tension between them. They just seem miserable together. The other day, as I was eating in the kitchen, they got into an argument while I was sitting directly between them.

My dad was using typical manipulation tactics towards my mom, saying things like “I’ll just never ask you to do something for me ever again,” simply because my mom was too busy to help him with something. She was obviously upset by his words, and it really started to upset me.

I put myself into their argument defending my mom, and at this point my dad was furious at the both of us. I wanted to get out of the house, so as I was leaving I told them that I hope my future marriage never turns out like theirs, and I looked at my dad and told him that he’s made me question what I want out of a future husband, because I could never be spoken to the way he speaks to my mom.

After the words came out of my mouth, I regretted it, even though it was my honest truth. He just looked distraught. He’s now giving me one word answers anytime I speak to him, which is unusual as we usually banter back and forth. I already apologized about what I said, but it seems like there is nothing else I can do.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

DragonQueen777666 wrote:

Info: how exactly is your dad an actually "good dad" by your account if you've watched him treat your mother (the woman who gave birth to you) like crap for 18 years? Time to take the blinders off, OP. Because one (of many things) a parent can and should show their children is how to be a good partner (because it also ends up influencing the kind of partners said children choose later in life).

If your parents, especially your father, have been toxic to one another, that's NOT good parenting. That's teaching your children that it's OK for us to be toxic to our own family. Also, your comment about how he's a great dad just stinks of "well he doesn't ab#$e me, so he must not be an ab#$er!"

You're young, sure, but you cannot go through life acting like your perspective is the be-all-end-all. It's myopic, short-sighted, and self-centered. If any of this makes you mad. Reflect on why. Another commenter said "truth hurts." It does. And since you're adult enough to dish out the truth, you're old enough to get the hard truth dished back at you.

Truth is: your dad sounds toxic, your parents sound dysfunctional, and you sound like you still turn a blind eye to it because "well daddy is nice to me". Part of growing up is recognizing that our parents are human. Part of being human is that some humans actually suck. Time to rip those blinders off and recognize, OP.

OP responded:

Yes you are definitely right, and ouch, but thank you. I guess I was just always naive and, for my own safety, decided to turn a blind eye to it. It’s hard growing up and seeing your parents for who they truly are.

1962Michael wrote:

N A H. NTA.

The "silent treatment" is just another manipulation technique. Generally it gets used when the person wants you to know they are upset with you but they don't really have a good argument.

You're allowed to have an opinion, and you're allowed to express it. That said, your parents have a long history together, and of course there are good times and bad times. I am sure they BOTH have their ways of manipulating each other, of petty annoyances and grievances.

The question is, do you think that you, as a 18yo, have the necessary life experience to tell a couple of 40-somethings what to do with their lives? If your mother is being physically, mentally, or financially ab#$red, then you should absolutely do something to help her and be on her side. If it's petty squabbles, then leave it alone.

OP responded:

Unfortunately it’s more than petty squabbles, they split when I was younger because my mom claimed he was emotionally a#$sing her (which I only found out about a year ago, prior, I never got an explanation for their break up).

pageofwandsmeaning wrote:

NTA. If they don’t want you to have a thought or react to anything they shouldn’t be doing this in front of you. Were you supposed to put in earplugs?

OP responded:

I brought this up, and my father told me that I’m sitting in “his kitchen” and if I have a problem with what’s being discussed I can go upstairs to my room and shut the door….

dependent_cricket655 wrote:

NTA. When I was your age, living with my own parents that constantly argued every single day, I have told my dad the same thing. Unfortunately it was only cause for him to yell at me more and tell me that this IS what I should expect in a marriage. Thanks dad, now I still struggle with relationships lol.

OP responded:

I’m so sorry, this situation is absolutely horrible and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. There’s comfort in knowing I’m not alone though.

Girl_Power55 wrote:

My mom’s threat to me was “I’ll never do anything for you again” if I didn’t do what she wanted. I’d have loved to get “I’ll never ask you to do anything for me ever again.”

OP responded:

Yeah it’s the worst. He also told her that he would “remember this” next time she asked him for help, and how he will never do anything for her ever again. It’s crazy manipulation.

Mackymcmcmac wrote:

Info: need more context.

What did he ask her to do? How does your mother treat your father? Is he always like this with her? How has your mother not been there for you and your siblings? That’s the dynamics in the household?

OP responded:

He asked her to text her brother (my uncle), because he didn’t have his phone on him. She said she would get to it when she could, and asked if my older brother could do it instead, since she was busy. It’s truly as simple as that. I don’t know what triggered this small thing to become such a big argument.

And my mother tries to be a great wife for him, I can tell. She’s always been there physically for my siblings and I, just never emotionally. She never seems to have any interest in what we are doing, but I’ve always excused it because once again, she’s very busy with work and household duties, etc.