'AITA for telling my dad I didn't want him or the woman he replaced my mom with to honor her passing?'
"AITA for telling my dad I didn't want him or the woman he replaced my mom with to pretend to honor her on the 20th anniversary of her passing?"
My brother (28m) and I (26f) lost our mom 20 years ago. We, along with my brother's wife and my boyfriend, took the day to honor our mom. The day never passes without something from either of us but 20 years was something we wanted to mark with a little more. Her passing is still painful for us. We did not include our dad or step-family.
They never joined before. Well, dad used to. But it's been 11 or more years now since he did anything to honor our mom. My dad wasn't happy when he found out we'd done something without him and his wife felt the same. They called my brother and me several times to complain about the secrecy and how we left them out of something important.
For the last 14 years my dad has described his wife as the love of his life. He also stated on multiple occasions that he was never as in love with anyone and falling for her made him realize his feelings for others were never close. While he's allowed that it stings us, the kids he had with his first wife who passed.
He used to say he loved mom. He hasn't in years. He removed all traces of her eventually and like I said he no longer honored her memory on her birthday or her anniversary. He has also stated he'd change nothing about his life because it worked out just the way it was supposed to in the end.
Comments like that and his wife comments that we spoke about our mom too much or had too many photos of her made us distant from them. They have two kids together also and that always made things more awkward because they have commented on how unhappy my brother and I look when dad is making his comments about his wife and they can't see it from our perspective.
During one of dad's phone calls to me where he was complaining he said he'd been married to my mom for 10 years and they had me and my brother together and he should be allowed to join us on such a big anniversary. It pissed me off and I told him I didn't want him or the woman he replaced her with to pretend they were honoring her.
I said he hadn't honored her in years and had made it very clear he didn't give a f-k about her anymore with all those comments about his wife being the love of his life and how he wouldn't wish mom was alive because it made him happier long term. He told me it was such an uncharitable outlook.
I asked him to consider how the kids of wife number one feel when he makes those kinds of comments. I said he would never convince me that he didn't replace her and essentially downgrade her to a past mistake of his. He went on a rant to my brother after we spoke and my brother told him he felt the same. He said it was exactly how we took it and always would.
My dad and his wife are claiming my comments were cruel and that it shows a lack of appreciation for what she did to bring him back to life after losing mom. She said it hurt to realize we have so little love or appreciation for her that we can't see his comments in the positive. AITA?
The internet did not hold back one bit.
CreativeOtter914 wrote:
NTA. Why your dad is allowed to be happy with his new wife. He never should have allowed her to remove every aspect of your mom from the home…because two of his children were hers and they deserve to see her in their home growing up.
I’m assuming his new wife pushed for that when she said you talked about your mom too much. She’s rude and it’s distasteful of her to do that. How would she feel if she died and someone did that to her bio kids? Would she be happy if someone removed every aspect of her from their lives? I bet not.
As for your dad going along with it, that’s just sad. I’d expect him to want to keep your mom’s memory alive for you and your brother. I think you were nicer than I would’ve been to him. I’d also tell him since he hasn’t done anything to honor your mom for so long you didn’t think it was necessary to include him. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
OP responded:
Yeah, she wanted the photos we had in our rooms to be removed. They weren't but we were told to keep then somewhere discreet in there so the wife wouldn't see them if our doors were open or she went inside our rooms for any reason. I think my mom's memory ceased to matter for the most part after a while. It was only his wife who mattered.
Tight-Shift5706 wrote:
OP, Your father's a dolt. To make the observations he's made about his present marriage obviously has thrown major shade on his marriage to your mother. His comments should NEVER have been made in you or your brother's presence.
His moving on is his business. But to cause comments that clearly diminish his marriage to your mother are totally unacceptable. Kudos to you and your brother for calling him out. I'd reiterate your position and further, advise him that neither of you anticipate an inheritance from him; as he not only moved on from your mother, but he's also diminished the role of you and your brother in his life.
And NO, step-mother has NOT become your mom. Rest assured that her relationship with their 2 children bears no resemblance of her relationship with you two.
dalelace wrote:
NTA. Like damn dude, those are inside thoughts. Not the ones you go spraying indiscriminately to a grieving child. What did he think would happen?
OP responded:
I think he thought we felt the same way. But his wife never replaced mom in our hearts or our lives. If anything we see her as a real downgrade because I can't imagine my mom doing to any kid what his wife did and wanted to do to us.
TvManiac5 wrote:
What did his wife do and want to do to you?
OP responded:
She wanted us to take the photos of our mom out of our rooms. Instead dad said we had to make them discreet so she couldn't see them if she was in our rooms or passing them when the doors were open. She also said we talked too much about our mom and said we couldn't anymore in the house.
Gold-Carpenter7616 wrote:
If he had any grace, he would've said:
"I'm so glad I found a second person to love as much as my late wife. I'm a lucky man to fall in love twice, to get a second chance at happiness after I felt my world closed down."
"I feel I moved on, but I'll always honour the man she made me be, because that allowed me to be the man I am today."
Or something like that. His sons would actually still talk to him that way. Some things you never say as a parent. For example which kid you like more.