'AITA for telling my dad's ex that she could have been my mom if she didn't cheat on my dad?' UPDATED 4X

"AITA for telling my dad's ex that she could have been my mom if she didn't cheat on my dad?"

Let me describe my family a bit. I am the youngest of four children, by far the youngest. I have two older brothers and one older sister. My mom is my dad's second wife. From his first wife, I have an older half-sister, who is three years older than my oldest full sibling.

His first wife (his childhood friend) cheated on him way before, and after my dad made sure my half-sister was his, he divorced her. He met my mom and a few year later they tied the knot, and the rest is history.

My half sister has always been welcome in our house. She gets along really well with all of us and even calls my mom Auntie. Her mom, though, has always been a bit of a harpie. She hates my mom for many reasons outside of "she stole my man." My mom is a retired fitness model and current Pilates instructor.

So she looks really good for her age while she's more average and plump. So she would always make snarky remarks like "Oh did you gain weight?" or "Are you pregnant again?" even though my mom never stopped taking care of herself. With me though, she dotes on me and calls me the son she never had. With my older siblings, she mostly just ignore them.

So my half-sister is getting married, and my dad and his ex agreed to split the cost of the wedding 50:50. My dad doesn't care about planning for the wedding, so he left it all to the ex and the bride. During one of our meet-and-greet dinners, my half-sister revealed that she also invited my dad's estranged brother and parents.

I can still remember my dad shooting a glare of pure anger at her. I asked my mom later why he reacted like that. I never met my uncle or grandparents on my dad's side, but from how my mom spoke, my dad's ex cheated on him with his brother, and his parents knew it for years before confessing. So my half-sister could really have been my aunt or something if the sperm chase went wrong.

My dad's ex was together with my dad's brother for a while after she and my dad divorced, but split soon after. And my dad refused to forgive his family for fooling him like that, and he went no contact with them for 25 years. So back to the dinner, my dad asked in a very stern, yet quiet voice why she would, and my half-sister wanted to make her wedding more meaningful by also having a family reunion.

And her mother supported her. She told my dad to bury the hatchet, at least for her daughter. My dad said she didn't have any right to tell him how to act. On her way out, my dad's ex and I bumped into each other, and she commented to me how she hoped that I wouldn't have a chip on my shoulder like my dad does.

If not for that, they could still be one whole, happy family. I didn't like her tone and reminded her that she was the one who cheated and broke the family. And I told her that she could have been my mom. The last part made her cry like crazy as she ran out of the house. My dad asked me what happened, and I told him, and he just grunted. Did I go too far?

The commenters had a lot to say in response.

ImaginaryScallion371 wrote:

NTA, you dad didn't grunt, he had to act like he disliked what you said so you don't do it again, but on the inside he probably was happy you one upped her.

OP responded:

Maybe. He didn't say anything else after and just left.

kam49ers4ever wrote:

NTA. She deliberately is trying to stir up drama. Apparently no one ever taught her “don’t dish it out if you can’t take it “ or the more modern version FAFO.

AGirlHasNoGame wrote:

NTA and your sister is an idiot...weddings are NOT the place for reunions like this. plus, your dad doesn't want to reunite. All she's doing is setting herself up for her wedding to be a clusterf* when your dad's "family" attempts to approach any of you guys or when her mother who loves drama makes snarky/crude comments that involve them.

The way I would ignore/be rude if any of my dad's family tried to come up to me or make small talk after what they pulled. Ew. Your dad is better than me because I don't think I would even go, I'd have a serious conversation with half-sister about why she's choosing these people she barely knows who's hurt her father so deeply over him.

All you did was tell the truth. Honestly, I would just stop engaging with her at all. Why even entertain or fake politeness with someone constantly disparaging your mother. Every time she makes one of her dumb--s comments, she just stares blankly at her like she doesn't exist or doesn't matter. guarantee that would piss her off even more. She enjoys the drama and attention, giving her absolutely nothing. NTA.

OP responded:

She is a bit of an airhead, to be honest. After the divorce, she more or less went back and forth between her mom and my dad.

LovelyJoey21605 wrote:

NTA, but your half-sister is about to make a REALLY big f-king mistake. If I were you I'd actually make sure to tell her that she's about to irrevocably damage or even destroy her relationship with her dad. Her wedding is NOT the venue to drag that s-t up, and her dads family should stay where he wants them. Far the f away from him.

Two days later, OP shared an update.

I am glad that at least I wasn't being cruel. My dad's ex just bawled so much and suddenly that I thought I did something awful, and I was worried. As of now, I don't really know what my dad is going to do.

I know that my mom and dad are talking about it, but he really seems conflicted. I thought about asking him, but my oldest brother told me not to. He said that I had nothing to do with it, so I shouldn't bother him.

But my full siblings and I just talked to my half sibling about what she had done in our Whatsapp chat tonight. First, my full sister tore my half sister a new one, calling all sorts of names before my brother told her to stop or leave the chat.

Then he asked her why she did what she did. Turns out that her "idea" of including a family reunion in her wedding was an idea from our paternal grandparents and her mom. Unlike myself and my full siblings, my half sister regularly visited her grandparents and talked to them a lot about us.

My grandparents apparently wanted to see us really bad, and her mom popped the idea. Then my second oldest brother said that while it was her wedding and she could invite whom she liked, she didn't take our father's feelings into account. There was a reason that he went no contact with them for all these years.

And it wasn't up to her to try to fix burnt bridges. My half sister then asked if he was going to pull money out of the wedding, and my sister sent a brutal message "Is that the most important thing right now, you *****". I added that our father hasn't told us anything. Then my half sister said that she shouldn't have even done this to begin with, and my sister commented.

"You think?!" She wondered if she could unsend wedding invitations to her grandparents and uncle, but then her mom might pull her money. I sent a chat to my full-sibling's only chat, if dad could fund the whole wedding if that meant not inviting his brother and parents. My oldest brother told me to "can it and don't bother dad."

She also asked how our dad has been, and I said that he is very conflicted and talking only to my mom about it. I then asked if her mom was okay since I made her cry. She said that her mom calmed down when they returned home. Apparently they got into an argument when she called my dad a stubborn sob. To be honest, I think she is in a very tight spot.

She can either piss off our dad or her mom. I don't know what my dad is going to do, and my oldest brother already reminded me twice that this wasn't my business. I honestly think dad would be up for paying for the entire wedding if his estrange family didn't come. Of course it's his money though. Or maybe he is just so angry that he might pull out all together.

Not long after posting, OP shared another small update.

Edit:

I didn't post the entire conversation that my full siblings and I had with my half sister. I pulled only the relevant parts.

What I was thinking when I thought my dad could pay for the entire wedding was "Does dad hate his family to the point where he would pay for everything just for them not to be there?" I wasn't actually suggesting he pay for everything! That's stupid.

Looks like a lot of you are wondering if my half-sister knew what happened between my dad and his family. She knows that they hurt him badly, and he's never forgiven them. But not the specifics of how they had hurt him. She knew the cheating part, but not the "family lied to him for years" part. Apparently that's not something her mom or my dad's family discussed with her.

The comments kept coming.

Tianwen2023 wrote:

Your sister is in a tough spot because she didn't think things through. That's on her. She FAFO. DON'T recommend your dad to fund the whole thing because weddings are expensive and that's not your money to offer suggestions with. Your half sister is already an AH, your dad doesn't need another dumb AH making plans with his money while disregarding his feelings.

Stay out of it. Her wedding is none of your business. Let your dad decide if he wants to pull out funding or if he'll fund and decide not to attend. Don't believe whatever his ex or your half sister say about the other side being uninvited. They pulled this BS now, they can ambush your dad with his relatives during the wedding day.

nonwokeboomer wrote:

NTA. Your dad has been so disrespected in this mess. If I were him, I would pull funding of the entire s-t show. Let this circus die the premature d--th it is destined for. Keep supporting your dad. Good luck.

RedneckDebutante wrote:

The one thing I cannot and will not tolerate is a disloyal mfer. Your half-sister is exactly that. She's willing to offer your dad up as a sacrifice to make everybody else in the family feel better. I would feel betrayed if I were him, and I'd never forget it. I'd never look at her the sane way again.

Ok_Routine9099 wrote:

Still NTA. You’re young and mean well, but I agree with your eldest brother, it’s not your place to fix this or inject yourself into your parents’ decision. The bride to be started this mess, whether it was her mother in her ear or not. She chose to have a family reunion at her wedding.

She doesn’t get to choose for it to be a HAPPY reunion, and it may very well ruin the vibe of the day. Her choice. It’s her mother she needs to talk to about this, your dad keep getting victimized over and over again by an ex-wife that has been disrespecting boundaries for nearly 30 years.

A few days later, OP's half sister made a post.

My brother told me about his posts on here about me a few days back. He suggested that I do the same here. First of all, I love my baby brother more than any other member of my family since I've helped take care of him since he was born.

Second, I am very grateful for my father. He never mistreated me or made me feel lesser than his other children. So I did not mean to betray him in any way!

My mother had told me about her affair when I was in middle school, so I understood early on why they weren't together. I don't think I was ever angry at her since I was always welcome to see him and his family at any time I wanted. But I wasn't aware until recently that the affair was related to my uncle.

I asked my grandmother many times why my father would never visit them, and she would say it was because he was too busy with work or his kids. I asked my father one time, and he just said the same thing. I showed him their socials before, and he merely brushed over them. But I remember he never talked about them before, at least in front of me.

Skip forward to recently. While I was coming up with the wedding invitation, I remember my grandparents and my mother asking if they could be invited. And I said, not knowing what had really happened, said of course. And then the dinner happened, like my baby brother described in his first post.

After the dinner, my father was so cold to me that I confronted him as to what was the huge issue. My father told me that I should have known better than to invite them to a wedding that he was paying for. And I asked him what the heck was the problem. My father then asked if I knew what they did, and I just replied that he never visited them.

Then I heard from Auntie that my mother had an affair with my uncle way before they married and their parents knew and hid the secret. I swear to god that I didn't know about this! I then asked why he never told me this, and my father answered that he already did the worst he could do, which was to never talk or see them ever again. He had no intention of souring my relationship with his estranged family.

I then asked my father what I should do...and he just hugged me hard, and he said that he said it was my choice. I returned the hug and went out with my mom, and she was crying when she was walking out. I confronted my mom immediately when we got home. My mother went a tirade about how my father was one who chose divorce and to break up his family, so I left.

Now I am considering canceling their wedding invites, but I don't know how to do the best way. To be honest, I don't want them at my wedding any more. If they want to celebrate it, they can do it at a different time. I don't know if I should write a letter to them. I don't want to push aside any members of my family.

The commenters had a lot to say in response.

HesterFabian wrote:

Well, if I were you, I’d play it only from your own angle. What I mean by that is leave your dad out of it and just tell them that they are uninvited because they hid a hell of a lot of context from you.

Tell them that, now you know what went on, you do not appreciate that they used your ignorance to force a meeting that of course will be contentious. That’s a lot of drama for them to pull on your special day. It was selfish and cruel of them to force an issue you and your brothers were not aware existed.

Their punishment for trying to manipulate and use you is that they are in time-out until after the wedding. I think your dad deserves some love and support. Your mum, uncle and your grandparents betrayed him, and now they’re pulling this manipulative business and using you to get around his boundaries. Don’t stand there and let them do it. NTA.

One_Sky_2766 wrote:

Your mom is a b--h. She is jealous of your brother's mom, She wanted to hurt your dad and you unknowingly helped her, Your mom broke up the family not your dad and he was obviously the bigger and better person because he didn't tell you what they did. You don't want to push any family members aside but your dad will be uncomfortable if they are there.

Will you be able to enjoy your wedding with them there? Send a letter uninviting them if you don't want them there. If your mom tries to manipulate you by pulling her share of the money then she cares more about their feelings than your happiness and comfort. Talk to your fiancé because it is ultimately both of your decisions.

OceanBreeze_123 wrote:

NTA. His brother destroyed his marriage, broke up his family, and now he's had that painful wound opened up all over again. They manipulated you into inviting the person who destroyed his marriage to your own marriage. Choosing that day, of all days, to bring him back into dad's life is beyond cruel.

Some daughters would walk through fire to protect their dad's feelings. Disinvite them OP. They stomped over your dad now just like they did years ago.

Five days after the half-sister made a post -- OP shared another update.

Hello everyone. I have some small updates and won't have any updates for a while. So my half-sister came over Sunday and talked to my dad. Basically she made the decision to have the wedding without her extended family, and pay for the half of the wedding by herself and her fiance.

She sort of figured that her mom would pull her money out for making that decision. Dad seems to be much happier about it. I saw her crying a alot and my dad hugging her. Not sure on what happened exactly, but I am guessing she apologized and he accepted it. She stayed with us during the weekend, and her mom came by. Mom and Dad wouldn't let her in, so my half-sister and her mother talked outside for a bit.

I guess it started off well, but then I heard shouting from outside, so when I came downstairs, both of them were screaming at each other. My Dad calmly walked out and told my half-sister to go on in. He talked to her calmly while she went back and forth from screaming and crying. Then a car came by, and a man stepped out. He walked towards my dad and held out his hand, but Dad didn't take it.

He sort of looked like my dad, but shorter and with longer hair, so I guessed that he was my uncle. He tried to talk to my Dad, but my Dad pretty much ignored him. I went to my brothers and told them what was happening, and they immediately walked down and outside. They told me to stay inside, so I continued to stare out the window. My brothers just stood on the balcony.

The new man said hi to them, but they didn't respond. Anyway, my dad spoke a bit with his ex wife for a while and came back inside with my brothers. His ex-wife was glaring at my dad for a bit before going back to her car with the guy. When my brothers sat down, I asked if that was my uncle, and the oldest one nodded. Apparently my two older brothers met my uncle purely by accident before.

Things were smooth that night. My half-sister's fiance came by, and we all had a nice dinner. My mom and my sisters went away to plan the wedding since her mother is not joining in anymore. My brothers, my dad, me, and the fiance just talked about stuff until we heard lots of honking right outside. We went to check it out, and my uncle was back with my dad's ex wife.

My dad told my mom to call the cops while he tried to handle the situation. My brothers, my dad, and my half sister's fiance went out. There was some yelling and screaming, but then the cops came and they went away. So for the time being, my half sister will be staying with us.

I thought all was done until I got a text from my dad's ex after school yesterday. She asked if I could help her with something. I just blocked her number, but she then texted me on another number. I'm pretty sure my parents and brothers would say block her again, but there is nothing stopping her from using new phone numbers to bug me. Not sure what I can help her with anyway.

The internet continued to share their thoughts.

Material_Cellist133 wrote:

Don’t block. Just ignore. This will allow your family to collect information to file for a protection order against the ex.

wlfwrtr wrote:

Call a family meeting. Everyone should be made aware of the messages. They came after you first because they are aware that you'd be the least likely to tell everyone. That you'd be the easiest to manipulate so you have to do what they least expect and tell everyone.

If any of them are contacted then having all information about everything is only beneficial. You've seen for yourself how keeping secrets could harm those you love without meaning to like what happened with half-sister and dad.

hottie_jesselyn wrote:

Your dad's ex's behavior is escalating, and you're right to be concerned. Blocking her number is a good start, but you might need to involve your dad or even the authorities if she continues to harass you. Don't feel obligated to help her with anything; she's made her choices and needs to deal with the consequences.