'AITA for telling my dad's wife I'm sorry but she's not my mom?'
"AITA for telling my dad's wife I'm sorry but she's not my mom?"
I (16M) was the product of what is pretty much a friend with benefits type relationship between my dad (at the time 33) and my mom (at the time 22.) My mom didn't want to be a mom.
Yet my dad didn't want my mom to abort. From what little I have been told there was an agreement. My mom would leave, my dad would raise me on his own but if she wanted to, she could come back into my life whenever.
The first 7 years of my life were just my dad and I. He didn't date any other woman; it was just us two and his family. I remember my mom would send me gifts on my Birthday and Christmas with letters attached.
I remember members of her family doing the same. When I turned 7, my mom came back. I started spending time with her. She would take me to parks, zoos, and aquariums etc. I also met her family.
I loved this, although I now know my dad didn't like the fact that my mom randomly showed up out of nowhere wanting to spend time with me, although he did soften up to it over time. I still have contact with my mom. I don't see her as often as before. But I still love her and see her as much as possible.
There was no conflict due to this situation at all until when I was 14, my dad met a new woman. I will call "A" for this. A and my dad started dating when I was 14, married when I was 15. A brought her twins (15M for both) from her previous relationship into her marriage with my dad.
I have a good relationship with both my stepbrothers. I have a decent relationship with A but 2 things always bugged me. 1. How my dad seemed to rush into marrying A (he proposed to her 3 months into their relationship.) 2. A wanted me to call her mom literally the day I met her. She had two reasons for this. 1. I don't have a mom, and I need one. 2. She wants our family to be more united.
I always just shrugged this off. I got away with it because when my dad married A it's like he forgot about me completely and didn't care about me. I also felt like it wasn't my place to complain.
That's the context of all of this. We're a year into Dad and A's marriage. A's birthday is coming up. All of us bought her a gift but she says she doesn't like physical ones and also said she wants a more "verbal gift" from me. Last night at dinner I learned what this was.
She asked me if I say yes to letting her adopt me so she could be my mom. Of course it caught me off guard. I said no, I already have a mom. A doesn't like the fact I talk to my actual mom still, and she said that she's my mom because she's at home with me every day and is married to my dad.
Then called my actual mom a part timer in my life. I told her no, I'm sorry I can't her son but even if my actual mom is a part timer she was there for me a long time before she was.
I received an angry scolding for this from both my dad and A. A specifically has been cold towards me since then. I'm struggling to comprehend this, and need to ask anonymously if I was in the wrong here?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
She's only been around for how long and she wants to call your mom a part time mom? Lol. Projection much? She's been there for an eighth of ops life. She should try and see where she can fit, not shoving a square peg through thr round hole. (Besides, we all know its all going into the square hole)
throwawaydontunderst (OP)
I think it's because my actual mom used to only see me on weekends for the longest time. She has her own business now that makes her busy so I'm lucky to see here once every two weeks. I do text her everyday though.
She checks up on me all the time via text but again it's only once in a while I get to hang out with her in person. Meanwhile A is someone I see everyday. This doesn't change anything. My mom is my actual mom. A is still new to me.
I totally agree with you. A seems really pushy trying to force a mother/son relationship where there isn't one.
I feel bad for OP. His mom basically abandoned him for 7 years, and honestly is just a part time mom. The other woman is forcing what isn't there. However, mostly I am disappointed in the dad. He's done all the heavy lifting and stuck by his kid for 14 years, only to start blowing it now by shoving a relationship with stepmom that isn't there.
I don’t think it’s fair to call Op’s mom a part time parent when he himself doesn’t see her that way and both his parents agreed to the arrangement when he was born. Plenty of people don’t get as much physical time with a parent due to circumstance but that doesn’t always mean they aren’t still just as supportive and active in their kids life as they can be from afar.
And it sounds like OP’s mom has been a consistent presence in his life since she returned. Also keep in mind his mom was 22 and his dad was 10 years older. And they were never in a relationship. That adds complications, too.
NTA, it sounds like dad wasn't happy with your mom randomly showing up as much as you thought. Hence the rushed relationship and wedding. You spent most of your life with a certain status quo, and here you are, at 16, being demanded to change that because of their picture-perfect dreams.
It's really disappointing how parents like yours act when a new marriage and "blended" families are involved and them not allowing things to happen organically and pushing for more when you are still adjusting to the changes and also figuring out your next steps in life. I am really sorry they are behaving this way towards you, and it's not right nor fair. Your feelings are valid.
throwawaydontunderst (OP)
The rushed wedding happened when I was 15. My mom came back into my life when I was 7. That's an 8 year difference. I don't think that played a role in my dad and A's relationship.
As a single mom, I see so many red flags here. I would like to say first that I respect your mother for knowing that she didn't want kids and saying that up front and putting up boundaries. I also understand why your dad doesn't like her coming in and out of your life as she does. This is not to bad mouth any of your parents. People can only do their best.
On the other hand, your stepmom needs to chill. If I were to come into a child's life at 14, there's no way I would ever expect them to call me mom. The kid is mostly grown, and while I would be there for them, that is way too late in the game for that expectation.