'AITA for telling my daughter to keep her Father’s Day gift because she hid her mom’s affair?' UPDATED

Holidays can bring up a lot of big, unresolved feelings. As uncomfortable as it feels, it's better to sort them head-on than to toss them aside.

"AITAH for telling my daughter to keep her Father’s Day gift to herself because she hid her mother’s affair from me for months?"

My ex wife (40F) and I (41M) have been divorced for a year now because she had an affair. She herself confessed to her affair a year later and moved in with her affair partner, who she’s also now married to. I was pretty distraught with the whole thing.

We also have a daughter (17F). My daughter knew about the affair but she told me she hid it from me because she didn’t want to breakup the family. It really hurt me that she hid it from me for so long but I moved on.

My daughter still apologies for it but I’ve told her it’s alright. My daughter today gave me a Father’s Day gift which was a handwritten letter and a gift. However, I was in no mood for gifts so I told her to keep it to herself. My daughter seemed a bit shocked and she went to her room, and I think she was crying as she went to her room. Was I the AH?

People kept it real in the comments.

mlk154 wrote:

Yes imo. You say you told her it’s alright. You say you moved on. How do your actions live up to those words. At least be honest with yourself (and then her). Either move on or don’t, but don’t say everything’s alright and then not accept a gift from your daughter. Plus maybe factor in she’s a kid and in a tough spot between her parents when you make some of these evaluations.

GonetoFlinFlon wrote:

Very few adults would have the courage to speak up in this scenario, never mind a kid who probably didn't want to hurt her dad. She needs your grace, and you need to show her how a person can move forward when life is difficult. YTA.

cheetahlakes wrote:

I mean from the limited info you give here in your post, you sound like the AH. You told her "it's alright." If it's not alright then why tf are you telling her it is? Also, is it your daughter's job to save your marriage? That's a lot of pressure to put on your daughter. I'm not sure you're fully aware of everything she may have had on the line and you're still holding it against her? But yeah, don't say it's okay if it's not okay.

Hot_mess4ever wrote:

Yes. Sorry for what happened to you but YTA. Can you imagine the position she was in? A child? YOUR child? She was afraid her home would break. Her nightmare came true. And you did this???? You told her it’s ok and then crapped on her as if this was her fault. Shame on you. I get this is still raw for you but what about her?

CamilleLegrand wrote:

Yes, you were the AH, because it's important to separate your daughter from your ex-wife's actions: Punishing your daughter's attempt to reconcile through a gift may inadvertently push her away when she needs your support.

Angel_9 wrote:

YTA. Your wife cheated and your CHILD didn't know how to handle knowledge a PARENT never should have saddled her with. Why are you blaming your child for someone else's mistake.

Also what is it? Is it alright did you accept her apologies are do you resent your child for you're ex's mistake?

That is if this real, it reads fake, but people are this awful so who knows.

The next day, OP shared an update.

Just wanted to a provide a quick update. I did feel guilty after rejecting my daughter’s gift yesterday and after reading a few comments, it confirmed that I was an AH. I went to her room yesterday and apologized for everything. It really hurt me that I made her cry that much. I told her that I didn’t mean it and we had a chat.

I got the gift and the letter was really sweet and heartfelt and I thanked her. I felt really touched after reading it and I will preserve it forever. For the rest of the day, I took her out on a shopping trip, and then in the evening we went to theaters to watch a movie. She seemed very happy. At night, we had one more serious chat where I told her it wasn’t her fault at all.

She said she still feels very guilty about hiding the whole affair from me, because even though she hated her mom for the affair, she was worried about exposing the affair because of how the whole family would fall apart. I told her that she shouldn’t feel guilty about anything, and it’s not her fault at all, and it’s only her mom’s fault.

We then talked a bit about her mom, and she agreed that if there’s one thing she learned from the entire thing, it’s not to emulate her mom when she’s an adult. I agreed, and also told her it was unfortunate that she got such a mom. I told her we both need individual therapy to deal with the divorce and her mom’s selfish actions and my daughter was open to it. So we will start looking for a therapist soon.

The internet was happy to hear the update.

Siennagiant70 wrote:

A good person realizes their faults, looks to atone and is always trying to better themselves.

CapraCat wrote:

The single most impactful thing my father ever did when I was growing up was apologize to me when he was wrong. It’s an important lesson but many parents refuse to acknowledge their mistakes towards their kids. Your daughter is lucky to have a father willing to humble himself to apologize. I guarantee she won’t forget it either.

chica771 wrote:

It's really impressive that you could see a different view of the situation and then go do the right thing! Opening the lines of communication with your daughter will go a long way towards healing.

Imaginary-Purpose-20 wrote:

I was in a similar situation as a kid and found my dad cheating. Your daughter was in a no-win situation and that’s the kind of thing that’s hard for an adult to deal with, let alone a kid. I’m glad you made up with your daughter, that was definitely the right thing to do.

The only thing I will say is please don’t poison your daughter against her mom. You are angry with her and have every right to be, but her mom wronged you, not her. Please be the bigger person in this situation and don’t encourage a deteriorating relationship between a mom and her daughter.

I hated my dad and then he died when I was a teenager. I’m in my late 30’s and still have to deal with not only his death but our complicated relationship that was never resolved. She only has one mom and we only have one life. Who knows what the future holds. So long as she’s a good parent, your daughter needs her as well as you.

Fallismyjam wrote:

Maybe dial back the 'sorry you lost the mom lottery' talk. That's going a bit too far. when discussing the mom, remain neutral. Let her form her own feelings about her mom without influence. Good job owning up to your lapse in judgement and letting her know she has nothing to do with any of it. very nice.