'AITA for telling my daughter's bio mom that she doesn't deserve to call herself a mom?' UPDATED

When someone comes for your kid, it's only natural to be upset.

"AITA for telling my daughter's biological mother that she doesn't deserve to call herself a mom?"

I (26F) am engaged to my fiance (33M) Brandon and have grown close with his daughter Lucy (4F). Lucy's biological mother Natalie (30F) has lost all physical and legal rights to her daughter due to neglecting her severely when Lucy was an infant, not to get into great detail but Natalie is add**ted to opi0ids and Lucy had a withdr&wal period.

Lucy and I have gotten close as I have dated my fiance for almost 4 years, Lucy was born 9 months before I came into Brandon's life, we met at the hospital as Lucy had some major health issues in her infancy due to Natalie and I have a chronic illness that pushes me into pancreatitis.

She now calls me Mama even though neither I nor my fiance asked her to do so. I read her bedtime stories and I'm helping her learn to add and subtract. During a get-together for Brandon's birthday I hosted at his house, Natalie showed up with her new boyfriend neither were invited. She tried to give Lucy a hug but Lucy didn't know her. She came to Brandon and me instead and told us a stranger had come.

She then asked me to make up her plate because Natalie began to throw a tantrum in the middle of the party shouting about how she was going to take Brandon to court and because she's the mom she'll win full custody because she deserves to be in her daughter's life. During this time Brandon took Lucy inside because she had started crying because she was scared.

I admit I snapped. I told her she has no right to call herself a mother because she abandoned Lucy to go get h*gh and sleep around. She hurt my baby so bad that she's 4 and needs to go to therapy and has physical health issues because of her. That she refuses to put her baby first and at best she's an egg donor. I told her to get the f#$k out of my house and never come back.

She wailed all the way back to her boyfriend's car. I admit I think I went too far. I know that d##g add**tion is a disease and people who suffer from substance ab#se disorder need help, I think I went too far saying she was at best an egg donor. Brandon said I did nothing wrong. AITA?

The internet kept it real in the comments.

starryiid1 wrote:

NTA. Showing up to a party you weren't invited to is not the way to try and initiate establishing a relationship with a biological child who doesn't even know you, and certainly doesn't indicate that she is fit for any sort of contact with the child she abandoned.

If she has no legal rights to Lucy any more, can you get a restraining order? Keep protecting her. Make sure any daycare/school knows who Lucy can and cannot leave with.

OP responded:

Her daycare knows only Brandon and I can pick up on Mon-Thurs. Grandma & PopPop pick up on Friday (Brandon's parents).

Mereadsalot wrote:

You were a lot more restrained than I would have been.

He_Who_Is_Person wrote:

NTA.

She may be able to get supervised visits. I dunno. Might make sense to pre-emptively consult an attorney. Presumably your husband can use the same one as when initially lost all rights.

SnooOranges9679 wrote:

So, bio mom (with no legal/custodial rights) and bf showed up to a party she wasn't invited to, became belligerent enough to scare your 4 year old and you went mama bear? NTA. She's doing more damage to this child when she acts this way. She needs to learn boundaries for the child's sake if nothing else.

catskilkid wrote:

NTA. Mama Bear stands up for her step-cub. She just trespasses, intrudes and insults... you'd think she has some issue? You may have been blunt, but nothing short to combat her absolutely asymmetrical attempt to see Lucy (I will not say her daughter either). Brandon is right, you did good. Only one AH here and we all know who that is.

Roughly a week later, OP shared an update.

Hello everyone! It's been a very interesting few days and I have an update. So a few days after she crashed the party Natalie got arr#sted and arr@igned for p0ssession with intent to sell an illic*t substance. From what her family says, the substance was c*ke, not op#0ids. Lucy is doing fine and is loving her first year of kindergarten.

My Fiance asked her if she wanted me to become her mama on paper. She said yes and now we're planning on doing family vows at our wedding. We are getting married on the 15th of December, as that is a very significant day for us (The day Brandon and I officially started dating.)

We have spoken to a lawyer and he has told us that even if Natalie got clean she would never get her rights to Lucy back, so we don't need to worry.

I hope she gets clean in prison. I want to add that even though I am not Lucy's biological mother, she will always be my daughter. And Brandon and I are not going to have children together so she'll be our only kid. Thank you so much for your support and your criticism!

The internet was deeply invested in the update.

Sailing_Away123 wrote:

So glad to see an update! You are that girl’s momma plain and simple. The love you have for Lucy is amazing. That little girl will always know you were there for her. You knew Lucy needed protecting and that mama bear came right out. I wish you, Brandon and Lucy the happiest of lives together. ♥️♥️♥️

Apprehensive_Rub_250 wrote:

So happy to see this update! And congratulations my husband and I are also December 15th! Best wishes for your family!

hxburrow wrote:

So many of those comments are completely unhinged, I'm seriously stunned. I can't imagine someone thinking, "hmm, yes, the d#$g add$%t mother who tr**matized then ab*ndoned her daughter is the real victim here. Why haven't you helped her!?"

yeahlikewhatever wrote:

"The child should know her mother!" Okay, can we as a society agree that every child deserves to know people who are healthy and beneficial to their growth, and not just be subjected to their company because of genetics??? Why should Lucy know the woman who neglected her and caused her physical and emotional damage?

The woman who refuses to accept accountability and responsibility for her behavior, and actively is trying to live a healthier and more stable life? What is the benefit here? What good does that bring into Lucy's life?

Dazzling-Camel8368 wrote:

Man these comments are WILD, there are some very bent people out there. I understand lived experience and all but to reach so far is just projection. That “egg donor” comment really ruffled feathers I didn’t realize it was so contentious. I suppose everyone is used to the f word and as an Aussie I know the C bomb is just part of the language now.