'AITA for telling my DIL and son it's too late, and I won't change family vaca plans so they can come?'

"AITA for telling my daughter-in-law and son that it's too late and I will not change the family vacation plans so they can come?"

Every year I try to do a family vacation, around Easter I asked everyone for their availability. The best days for almost everyone was a winter vacation. My DIL and so told me that day wouldn’t work for her so they can’t go. I asked if the backup days would work and it was a no.

Usually the vacation is something that everyone can drive too, it was going to be the same until all the adults agreed the kids were old enough to leave the country. So now the trip is to Europe. Everyone has bought their tickets and I have booked where we are staying.

Everything is getting finalized. My son and DIL were not in the family vacation chat since they weren’t going on the vacation. They heard about the plans and want to be added in.

She called me up asking about it and what they need to do.

I asked her how she could get off work and she explained she just could. I personally think she didn’t want to go on the trip until she learned it was to Europe and lied to me that she couldn’t come in the first place. I told her it is too late, things are booked and I am not willing to pay more then I already have (I paid for all the lodging, we would need to upgrade to fit two more adults).

She asked if I was serious and that it is cruel to not include them on a family trip around Christmas. I told her it is what it is and its not my fault. My son is pissed. He told me that I can afford to add two more adult, that is true. I reiterated what I told his wife. He called me a jerk. I want an outside opinion.

The commenters kept it real.

FairyFlossFlowers wrote:

NTA. First of all, you planned everything already and if your DIL really changed everything just because the trip was to somewhere she wanted to go doesn't sound good. Second, why can't they pay the extra if they want to come? Aren't they adults already?

OP responded:

I know they will not be able to afford it if they have to buy their own lodging and everything.

I could give them that option but I think it will throw gas on the flame.

AngeloPappas wrote:

INFO - I am curious as to why the destination for the trip was not also decided when the dates were though. I wouldn't really want to commit to an unknown vacation until I had a few details either.

Also, if they said when the date was picked that they were coming would the lodging not have still been more with the 2 extra people? Why were you ok with the extra cost then, but not now? Is it just spite?

OP responded:

Our famiily always does pick a date first, since it is much harder to find time for everyone that works. When we know the date, we pick a place that would be nice and fits the time. It doesn't make sense to say a beach vacation when we don’t know if summer will work. Or let’s go skiing if we don’t know it will be in winter.

catskilkid wrote:

NTA. It's rather clear DIL didn't want to drive but loves the idea of a European trip (that you pay for). It was solely her actions that resulted in this situation. If you want, tell them how much extra it's going to cost and let them pick that up. If you don't want to, that's fine as well win that you made the offer, they declined and you made plans.

LadyAmemyst wrote:

INFO from everyone I guess. LOL. I'm really conflicted. I'm like totally on the side of 'she didn't wanna go until it was somewhere cool." 100%.

But, I can't wrap my head around the idea of totally icing them out of the massive change in plans from somewhere 'driveable' to Europe without mentioning it. Starting a group chat without them in it. It feels spiteful, perhaps deservedly so, as I doubt we know the whole dynamic. Am I nuts?

Practical-Bird633 wrote:

NTA. You gave then multiple dates and they said they couldn’t come. I would send them the itinerary and tell them if they can make it great but you’re not adjusting your bookings.

solmaredditusernow wrote:

Well...here's the thing. I don't get why you fail to see that a free vacation to Europe is better than a free driving trip stateside. I mean...from personal experience, the "family vacation" is a dubious affair at best.

So yeah, I can see where the same old same old drive 15 hours to Gulf Shores or Branson or something, based on events of previous Christmases aren't something that DIL and Son aren't making time for. But then you make secret plans to Europe...c'mon. You must see that there is a difference.

Honestly it feels like there is a lot of context left out and I would love DIL and Son's perspective. I'd love to hear about the past "normal" vacations. YTA. Mainly for keeping this a secret. It honestly feels like you hoped this sort of thing would happen so you could throw this in their face. That you can't see the difference is pretty disingenuous.

MissionHoneyDew2209 wrote:

It's very clear you don't like your DIL. VERY CLEAR. Are you willing to lose your son and vacationing with any possible future grandchildren over this? You can afford to upgrade and have the whole family there, but you want to penalize your son and DIL because their availability changed - or they decided a European trip with the entire family was something they didn't want to pass up.

Why can't you get them a single room near you? I can't understand why you would want to create this bad blood when you have the ability to be gracious. Next spring my husband and I are spending 5 weeks in Mexico.

We invited our son to come visit during one or two of those weeks. He can't commit to any time right now, and probably won't come. You can bet your ass if he tells me 3 months out (or 3 weeks, or 3 days) that he's changed his mind and wants to come that I'll move heaven and earth to find a place big enough for all of us, or get him a room of his own.

The time you have with your children - and they with you - is finite. Please, please, PLEASE don't be the AH who blows up a tradition because your feelings are hurt. You will get SO MUCH MORE out of this trip when you can look back on it as a time your family all went to Europe. Enjoy the pictures of you all eating fondue and laughing together. Be bigger than the situation.