'AITA for telling my ex I don't care if her daughter cries about being left out when I'm with my son?'

"AITA for telling my ex I don't care if her daughter is crying about being left behind when my son's with me?"

I (27M) was with my ex for 4.5 years and we had our son (6) together. We broke up when he was 2 after I learned she'd cheated on me and the baby she was carrying might not be mine. When her daughter was born we did a DNA test for both kids. My son was mine, which I feel like I knew anyway, but it was also confirmed her daughter was not mine.

She doesn't know who her daughter's father is and I was asked by her, her parents and her sister to raise her as mine anyway so the kids would be brought up the same. I said no. We weren't married so it wasn't like I was the assumed father, which made it easier for me to just get 50% custody of my son and focus on being a dad to him.

Things between us aren't good and I don't play a role in her daughter's life. Exchanges are done quickly and I don't engage when she tries to get me to interact with her daughter and asks me to consider including her. I have sent emails to keep documented proof that I am staying civil but don't want her daughter in my care and communicating this with her. Mostly it's not too bad.

But lately she has been upping her efforts to get me in her daughter's life and to get me to take her daughter on as my own. She even confronted me in public space and told me her daughter cries when her brother leaves and that she wants to run up and hug me but since she knows I won't be okay with that, she keeps her daughter away, but that it kills her.

She said her little girl didn't choose this and she knows she f--ked up but she cries so much over me and can't I see her as our sons sister and love her as my daughter for his sake if not for hers. I told her I don't care. I did not make her daughter and I will not be responsible for raising her daughter. I told her to put the work into finding her daughter's father and leave me alone.

Her sister DM'd me on social media and asked how I could be a dad and so heartless about an innocent kid. Then her friend did the same with a bit more of a strongly worded DM that accused me of being mis-gynistic and saying I wouldn't act like this if she had another son, which isn't true at all but she sure as hell acted like that was a thing. AITA?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

geebabyglam25 wrote:

As long as you are prioritizing your own child's well-being, you are not the AH. It may be tough for the ex's daughter, but that's not your responsibility. Focus on your own family.

Rude-friendship2983 wrote:

NTA. You have no obligation to raise a child that isn’t yours, especially given the circumstances of how things ended. It’s unfortunate for her daughter, but your ex created this situation, not you. Staying focused on being a good dad to your son is the right choice, and it’s not your responsibility to fix her mistakes.

VastRelation7674 wrote:

NTA. You are not responsible for raising a child that isn’t yours, no matter how much pressure they put on you. You’re doing the right thing by focusing on your son and staying civil, but that doesn’t mean you have to take on more than you’re obligated to. Her mistakes aren’t yours to fix, and you’re not heartless for setting boundaries.

tren4_a86 wrote:

She is upping the effort because the child is getting older and probably asking questions she doesn’t want to answer or know how to.

Is it fair no but let be clear, your ex caused this issue. Not you.

I wouldn’t be surprised if she tells her daughter you are her dad but don’t want her because she doesn’t want to look bad or have a difficult conversation later on down the road.

NTA.

Burn420accountant69 wrote:

NTA. Also, NAL but I work in family law. This is the extreme of the extreme cases, but you could call CPS on her. She's mentally and emotionally ab-sing her daughter by repeatedly trying to get you involved. IF and ONLY IF she is actually telling her daughter that you are her dad or like you said her daughter wants to hug you. Something is likely going on and it's very negatively affecting her daughter.

You could also get an edition to the custody order that says mom won't discuss your relationship with her daughter at all. You likely have a disparagement clause for your son, it's not out of the realm of possibilities for one for the other child. The language would just have to be "Mom won't discuss Dad's relationship with her children or any other children." This targets mom and not a specific child.

Pseudo-Data wrote:

‘Thanks for your concern for (girl’s) wellbeing. I certainly understand the jealousy she must feel when (son) leaves for his time with me. I agree, it’s not her fault, just as it is not mine. It brings me no pleasure to know how hurt she must feel.

As you know, despite (girl) being conceived during our relationship, I am not her father. She has a right to know and spend time with HER father, as does (son).

Rather than continuing to harass me, and validating (ex’s) bizarre belief that I should somehow be responsible to take on the fatherly role towards a child that is not mine, I’d think your efforts would be better spent helping (ex) figure out who the father of (girl) might be so that she can have a relationship with him.’ Then block them all.