'AITA for telling my fiancée that her sister can't stay with us going forward?'
"AITA for telling my fiancée that her sister can't stay with us going forward?"
For context, my fiancée’s mother and sister (30) are devout Hindus, while I’m Christian. Their family is dysfunctional—the parents are separated but live in the same house. The sister resents their father, constantly fights with him, and refuses to move out despite owning a house he bought her. She stays home to avoid spending money, saving 95% of her income, while their mother enables her.
The real trouble started when my fiancée, her mother, and sister visited the temple twice. The first time, a “temple person” told them I would end up with another woman—they believed it blindly. The second time, this same person claimed I was gay. Afterward, they called my mother, saying they wanted to sell everything and get their money back.
Following this, I asked my fiancée to limit their visits to our place—they were coming over 3–4 times a week, which was excessive. I value my privacy and want time alone with my fiancée. Then came my birthday party. My fiancée’s mother invited their father, hoping to mend things. During dinner, he made a joke, and the sister lost it. She stormed out, went home, and destroyed his garden.
He threatened to call the c-ps—and I don’t blame him. She has serious anger issues. The next week, their mother left for an overseas trip, leaving the sister home alone. She initially asked if she could work from our place (which I suspected was an excuse to stay over). Sure enough, when the time came, she guilt-tripped my fiancée into letting her stay a full week.
At that point, I put my foot down. I told my fiancée that her sister couldn’t stay. After what she pulled with the temple visits and her general behavior, I didn’t want her in my home. I also like my space—I walk around in my boxers, unwind, and don’t want to feel uncomfortable in my own house.
My parents also agreed that she shouldn’t stay with us when she has her own home. A few weeks later, my fiancée finally told her sister she couldn’t stay over anymore. She completely lost it, texting my mom to “keep her nose out of our business” and telling me to “keep the away from my dog.” They have a Jack Russell I love.
Now, she’s acting like a child and refuses to attend our wedding (despite being the maid of honor). She keeps messaging my fiancée, though I don’t know what she’s saying. My fiancée now wants me to apologize, but I don’t feel I did anything wrong.
AITA? What should I do?
The internet had a lot to say in response.
Poetryinsimplethings wrote:
I'm an Indian, and listen to me. Run!!! There should be no wedding for her to attend. Fiance should be ex fiancé and move out along with her sister. If you don’t get out of the dynamic now, this is going to be the rest of your life, and believe me, it gets worse after the wedding. You don’t want to spend the rest of your life like that. NTA.
MarionetteHeart wrote:
NTA. Oh, my friend...what can I say? You are just getting a small taste of what your future married life will be like if you don't talk to your fiancée sincerely about what you are feeling right now.
The best and most NECESSARY thing is to set limits regarding the interaction you have with your SIL because being in constant contact with a person with anger issues is very difficult. If your fiancée doesn't want to make changes, doesn't understand your point of view, or completely invalidates your feelings and boundaries regarding the situation.
Let me tell you that you have not married her yet and you should start thinking if you really want to marry her and her problems behind.
FrameNo4349 wrote:
NTA you shouldn't feel uncomfortable in your own home. I am glad your wife is on your side. (At first but is dealing with family pressure). But honestly do you want to deal with the disfunction for the rest of your life? Maybe it's time for some real talk and maybe pre-marital counseling with your fiance before the wedding. Becuz this sounds like a lot and a lot of mental health issues down the road.
NoYeahNoYoureGood wrote:
NTA but you should know that these problems will likely never go away, and will potentially escalate as you get more intertwined with these people. When you marry someone, you marry their family. I truly wish you well but this seems like a complicated equation.
Original_Archer5984 wrote:
Throw out the whole family and start over. NTA, but you're daft for trying to reason with a terrorist and her captives. SIL will always win because she willing to go the (crazy train) distance. The whole family has catered to SIL, and SILs expectation is that everyone in any event will cave to her because, well, they have.
You could try to put your foot down, but buddy it won't work. This family dynamic is set and your fiancee has bought into the disfunction part and parcel. You may get some sort of thin verbal support from fiancee or FIL, BUT you better believe, everyone will be working behind the scenes to thwart your effort, and they will be spinning shit like mad to mitigate their risk by framing you as an outlier, and TA upstart.
Neurospicy_nerd wrote:
NTA at all. I will say I don’t know what country you’re in, but I know that family expectations can vary wildly depending on culture even when religion isn’t involved, so take this with a pinch of salt. But are you sure you want to attach yourself to this family if it’s this hard to set boundaries?
That’s not to sway you to choose any other path, but your wife seems quite susceptible to being manipulated by her family. It’s worth thinking about how you’ll deal with that BEFORE getting married so expectations are clear and no one gets caught feeling manipulated by their spouse when it’s much harder to disagree on something this big.
Best case scenario is that you come up with a safe word or a way to bring it up or escape when one of you start to feel like family is overstepping so that it’s not exclusively on your wife to constantly be completely impervious to deeply ingrained feelings.