'AITA for telling my fiancée to stop calling me by her late husband's name?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for telling my fiancée to stop calling me by her late husband's name?"

I am 34 years old and my fiancée is 31. "Mon" and I have been together for four years, engaged for one year. She is also four months pregnant with our first child. She is a sweetheart, we get along very well, and I can see myself with her for a long time.

Mon was married for six years before she met me, to a guy named "Kyle". Kyle passed in a car accident a few years ago. Although the relationship between Mon and me is great, she often calls me by her late husband's name.

Things like "How was your day, Kyle?" or "Can you grab that for me, Kyle?" I'm almost certain it's accidental, and she always apologizes and corrects herself, but it still makes me uncomfortable. She even slipped and called me by his name during $#x.

Finally, I sat down with her and, upset, told her that this was making me uncomfortable and asked her to stop calling me that. She started crying, apologized, and told me that she "still loves Kyle and always will." I don't know why, but that really made me unhappy. At the end of that evening, her sister messaged me saying that I was rude to her sister and that I'm an AH.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

chibbledibs wrote:

He died a “few years ago” and you’ve been dating for four years. When did he die?

OP responded:

He passed away 7 years ago. They were high school sweethearts and married early, at the age of 18. He died when they were both 24-years-old.

Xiao1insty1e wrote:

Grief is weird and hard. She may grieve Kyle for a long time. She has the right to. You also have a right to not be ok being called someone else's name. Has she seen a grief counselor? Have you considered couples therapy?

The two of you need to sit down and talk about how you feel. She likely loves you very much and why her brain keeps defaulting to Kyle. It is, however, also likely that she has not properly dealt with her grief. She will need compassion and time.

She also needs to understand that YOU are her partner and Kyle is not. Your feelings should matter to her and it is not unreasonable to ask her to make a concentrated effort to get your name right. Regardless, therapy. You should both probably go.

OP responded:

"Has she seen a grief counselor?"

Yes, she did in the first three years after his passing.

"Have you considered couples therapy?"

Yes, but at the moment I haven't found any.

ShyexGI wrote:

NTA. I agree with the people saying not to get married yet and to seek individual and couples therapy. Also, talk to her about sharing your personal business with her sister. She called you an AH without knowing or hearing your side.

I realize she may need to vent, but the problem is that long after this is resolved, the sister will still see you as being rude, and it may tarnish your relationship with your fiance family. Show her the message from her sister and let her deal with it.

Six months later, OP shared an update.

Update: Since that day, Mon and I have been in couples therapy, and she has returned to the first therapist who treated her during the first three years of her grief. Obviously, it hasn't been easy. Our daughter was born a month ago, and Mon is still going through a lot, which makes taking care of a baby in the middle of all this even more complicated. Luckily, our parents are helping us with the baby.

We've decided to postpone the wedding indefinitely. A lot has come up in therapy, such as finding out that Mon cries for Kyle when I'm not around. This can happen monthly, three times a month, or not at all.

She also admitted that she doesn't feel comfortable talking deeply with me about it because she thinks I would "get upset," which is nonsense considering I've heard stories about him before and never showed any upset.

Some of her statements in therapy, like "I will never love anyone like I loved him", hurt me a lot. I feel more and more that this relationship is doomed to failure. However, this doesn't mean I'm giving up. I really love her, but I'm not extremely optimistic. I'm trying to work as much as possible on the relationship, mainly for the sake of our daughter.

The internet had OP's back all the way.

Contribution4afriend wrote:

You should know that right now and at this moment your daughter loves you and you only as her father 1 Gazillion times more than anything in the world. Time will heal her mother. If you find ache, remember that your young child will have many first happenings and you will be there for her.

First sleepy smile when you say you love her. First strong hand grabbing. Those kind blinks. Those funny burps after milk. Or that surprise pee when you change her diapers. Cherish that while your wife heals. NTA.

SuperWomanUSA wrote:

I’m sorry to hear…sounds like your fiancé may have been ready to move on, getting pregnant and starting a family could have really triggered a regression. If you have been together for 4 years and he passed 3 years before that (so 7 years) so like they got married really young and were possibly childhood / high school sweethearts. That’s a TOUGH relationship to lose….

This was the life she was supposed to have with “Kyle”. Unfortunately, two things can be true: she can love you but know deep down she will never love you like she loved “Kyle”. No two loves are the same. Hopefully with therapy you guys can find your happy place…

rickdickricardo wrote:

I’m sorry OP. my heart breaks for both of you. Make sure you take of yourself through all this and be prepared for the worst, even as you work toward the best. And seek individual counseling and therapy for yourself and figure out if you can really handle being second place your whole life.

A year later, OP shared another update.

Update 2: So, a lot has changed. Not everything has been easy, but I think, in a way, we’re finding a new balance. Therapy has helped us a lot, both individually for her and as a couple. Mon is better at separating the past from the present, and she no longer calls me Kyle by mistake.

We’ve been able to talk more openly, she feels more comfortable discussing the past and her feelings in depth. Our daughter is growing up so fast, and I can’t even imagine going through all of this without our family’s support. As for the marriage…it’s still on pause—it’s something we want at the right time. I can really see that she’s putting in a lot of effort.

She’s been talking a lot with her sister, and we go out with her and her boyfriend quite often. My SIL has always been somewhat protective of her and is genuinely concerned about her improvement. Aside from the usual small arguments, I’m managing to stay optimistic about the future. Some of the comments on my first post helped me a lot in the early stages, and I’m really grateful.

The internet continued to share their thoughts.

No_Pound6657 wrote:

I never did it on purpose...but it took forever for me to stop calling my ex-husband by my former boyfriends name. This is because my first boyfriend and I were together for 10 years...and BOTH by ex-boyfriend and my now ex-husband had first and last names that both started with the letter 'B' and they were both short names.

First and last. It had NOTHING to do with me thinking about my ex. When you say the same name for 10 years and then switch to another similar name...old habits die hard.

Tight_Plantain3606 wrote:

This is a nice update, I’m happy you’ve found some peace and improvement. It sounds like there’s hope for your relationship to grow.

I’m sure it hurt to hear her say (mentioned in your second update) she’ll never love anyone like her ex but perhaps that’s because she was grieving too much to fully open herself up to you. And now that you’re doing therapy and growing the depth of your relationship, love can grow deeper from there!

Psych_Research_I wrote:

This update actually sounds promising. You ate both putting in work, and therapy seems to be helping. Mon is making an effort to separate her past from her present, and you’re being patient and supportive while also maintaining your own boundaries.

That’s not easy, especially with a kid in the mix.

It’s completely understandable that you had doubts before, grief is complicated, and so is being in a relationship with someone who has lost a spouse/fiance.

Keeping the wedding on pause until you’re both fully ready is a smart move. It sounds like you’re in a much healthier place than before, and while the past will always be part of her, it doesn’t mean your future together isn’t strong. Be aware that healing isn’t linear and you also need to consider your needs. Individual therapy might be valuable for you too. Wishing you both the best.