'AITA for telling my friend that I slept with his younger sister? He didn't react well.' UPDATED

Being honest about your attractions shouldn't be controversial, but people love to project their own ideas onto others.

"AITA for telling my friend that I slept with his disabled younger sister?"

“John” and I are both in our 40s. He was my friend through middle-school and most of high school. We hung out together, played the same sports, did church summer camp, etc. Basically, we grew up together. I also knew and spent time with his sister “Mary”.

Mary has cerebral palsy and uses an electric wheelchair. After graduating, John went to University while I stayed back home to work at my father’s business and go to community college part-time. Mary also went to community college and we ended up hanging out a lot.

John and his family liked the idea of me being like a big brother to Mary. Mary and I grew closer and we began having s#x. We weren’t exactly dating, but it was a lot of fun for both of us. Because Mary’s family is very protective of her, we both agreed to keep our relationship a secret. Eventually her family found out and there was an ugly confrontation with me and them.

They accused me of taking advantage of Mary because of my familiarity with her and because she was disabled. Mary insisted she wanted the relationship, but they dismissed her views like they always did. John was especially angry at me, even trying to start a fist fight. My father got involved and things eventually settled down but my friendship with John and his family was over.

I ended up leaving the area after I got my Associates degree and moved out of state to live with my mother. So two decades have passed. I have stayed in contact with Mary, but only exchange basic pleasantries with John and his family (they are still connected with my father so it’s just a courtesy relationship).

Two weeks ago, Mary came to my city and we met for lunch. It was a company event with her coworkers and vendors, but I still enjoyed seeing her again after so many years. We continued the evening at her hotel room and I ended up spending the night with her.

This Saturday morning, I woke to find a message from John. We’ve barely communicated for the last 20 years, so I was startled to see his name. Apparently he’d gotten around to looking at the pictures Mary had posted from the lunch and saw me sitting next to his sister. It was like we had teleported back in time to 20 years ago. The same accusations and angry insults got flung at me.

He dredged up s**t I had forgotten about years ago. He ended his message warning me not to spend time with Mary. I was outraged by his message. We’re two grown men, not high school kids. How can he say those things about me and his sister? In my anger, I messaged him back saying that not only did I spend time with Mary, but that we slept together again and he should get over himself.

It felt good to retaliate like that, but I immediately had doubts. When I talked with Mary, she wasn’t upset but she made it clear that she would have preferred I just ignore her brother like she does. We’re still keeping our plans to see each other again, but I realize Mary is disappointed by my childish behavior. Am I the AH for my reply to John?

The internet had OP's back.

DesperatetoNotDream wrote:

Mary is able minded enough to attend an out of town work conference on her own but they think she’s not capable or deserving of having romantic relationships?

lilies117 wrote:

One would think they would have been happy about the relationship. A young man they already liked and knew well.

[deleted] wrote:

Poor Mary. Not only does she have cerebral palsy, but she also has a family intent on c#ck-blocking her at every opportunity.

Farting_Champion wrote:

Nta. Her family should stop infantilizing her, it's disgusting. Is she of sound mind and consenting? That's all that matters.

My brother has cerebral palsy. I would never think to tell him what to do in his s#xual life because as an adult with a functioning brain he can make his own decisions.

FlatBrokeEconomist wrote:

TBH it sounds like you just need to start dating Mary for real. You keep going back to each other, just do it. Then when you get married her family can suck it.

Three days later, OP shared an update.

So after reading the comments, I am NTA for my relationship with Mary, but my response to John was unacceptable. That's fair. I've apologized to Mary and she’s accepted my apology. That doesn't change the fact that I screwed up. For sharing intimate details without first asking Mary, I am TA. I will never do that again.

As for the fallout of my AH moment, John sent another nasty message that got even more personal, including telling me some things about our past and my father that were very hurtful. Following the advice of the comments, I replied calmly and then blocked him. As I mentioned in my post, I will be seeing Mary again.

I am spending this spring/summer back home with my father. After his wife passed last year, he decided to wind down his business and sell our old house. I will be going back there for about 3 months to help him with the business, fix a few things at the house, help him pack, and just hang out together. It’s several decades of memories to be put away or donated so we’re taking our time.

We’ll BBQ and go to baseball games like we did when I was a kid.

Mary and I are looking forward to seeing each other again this summer. Our weekend together was memorable, despite my later stupidity. There's a fair chance John will come and try to stir s**t up, but I'm not stressing over it.

Mary means a lot to me. It will be good to have 3 months to enjoy each other’s company before I have to leave again, this time for good. I’m sure Mary and I will stay in touch, maybe even see each other again in the future. Thanks for the comments and messages. I read them all and Mary did too.So that’s the update. Cheers.

The internet was invested in the update.

CleanlivingMD wrote:

I'm glad she's not upset with you. You two have a special bond. We're all wondering if there's any possibility of ending up together. Let us know what happens!

Mr_Pink_Gold wrote:

Awesome update. Why don't you ask Mary to come with you? You guys seem to enjoy eachother company. Life's short dude.

Nintendotaku64 wrote:

As someone that also has cerebral palsy and uses an electric wheelchair. Thank you. I’ve had to deal with being seen as not desirable for over the years.

I’m fully functional, pretty attractive if I do say so myself and have no issues besides struggling to walk, which is why I use an electric wheelchair, but I’m still passed over as I friend, partner, or s#xual encounter. I’m sick of it, I deserve to feel desirable. I’m so glad that Mary has you.

I’m sorry you had to go through that, frankly, even though that response wasn’t the best I would have said the same, and I would find it romantic honestly, I’m so happy that those issues haven’t gotten in the way of your relationship and I wish the best for you too, even if it’s only me projecting what I want in the future lol.

JustRollinon86 wrote:

I read the original post . I'm coming into this discussion WAY late but as a disabled person myself - different disability but full time wheelchair user - all I can say is good for you and Mary. You're two consenting adults that have every right to pursue a relationship if you want to.

Mary had a right to do that as a teenager and college student as well, it just sucks that her family have not been supportive and seem to have a habit of infantilizing her - even if from childhood it came from a loving place. It's just harmful as a person grows to continue on that way. Anyway I wish ya both the best and fingers crossed Mary's family comes to terms with the grown disabled woman that she is.