'AITA for telling my girlfriend her adult sister can't live in our tiny one bed flat for weeks?' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my girlfriend her adult sister can't live in our tiny one bed flat for weeks?"

So my (M30) and my partner (F26) live in a country far away from both of our families. We live in a tiny one bed flat which is for all intents and purposes a studio (glass partition wall), it's pretty cramped even with 2 of us. I also pay all the rent, my partner covers food and a couple bills (far less overall and FAR less over the course of our relationship due to me earning considerably more).

My GF has just spent a couple of weeks seeing said sister in another country. Her sister is doing some traveling and then had planned to come and stay with us. I've been given no dates and wasn't asked if this was OK or even how I felt about it.

I was pretty stressed about it. I work long hours in a stressful position which includes once a week on average 14 hour shifts and two sets of night shifts (so needing to sleep during the day) during the time she plans to come. I'm a very introverted person and value my free space. I would have to go to the bathroom to get changed because of the glass partition.

I eventually told her how I was feeling, explained that I absolutely wanted her to spend with her sister, but asked that we consider others work around. She was disappointed but seemed to understand to some extent. Today just before she boards her flight home she tells me she's sad, that she's crying and I ask why, because she's gonna miss her family?

I'm like, well you're gonna see your sister again in a few weeks hey! To which she responds with a screenshot of her and her sister taking about how upset they are, that they just wanted to spend time together but since I'm 'stressed' then they will have to just cut their time short together and how much this sucks for them.

Immediately after she's offline and on her flight.

They have just spent 2 weeks off work together and her sister is planning on traveling for 3 weeks alone before coming here, she just got a promotion doubling her salary.

I feel that if it was so important to spend time together her sister should sacrifice some of her personal travel time and pay for her accommodation here and my girlfriend could contribute what she can also. But no, it's my fault they can't have fun together. I feel incredibly guilty tripped and annoyed that she didn't even think to ask me or consider how I might feel about this.

If we had space I would have no problem, her friend stayed last year for a month when we had 2 bedrooms. I still don't even know when she is planning to come, for how long, where she will sleep (our sofa is not big enough for an adult to sleep on). Anyway I went on a bit of a rant explaining how I felt about the whole situation. Am I being unreasonable in thinking this is not cool?

The internet had a lot of thoughts about OP's situation.

ThrowRA_oddcat wrote:

NTA, your partner invited her sister over despite the logistical limitations without discussing with you first, it’s your home too. it doesn’t seem there’s a budget issue as you mention said sister recently got promoted and doubled her salary which means sister could have booked a nearby hotel and your partner could have stayed with her few days.

Worst I think is your partner throwing you under the bus in her exchange with the sister instead of acknowledging her part of creating this situation in the first place.

OP responded:

Thanks for the re-assurance. I think I was definitely an ass in some of my reactionary comments and I'll apologise for those but I agree I don't think I'm at fault for the root issue here, despite being made to feel that I am.

Nicolozolo wrote:

NTA. I would be really frustrated and upset if my partner tried to make a unilateral decision like this for a shared space. Especially one so tiny. This kind of behavior comes across as inconsiderate and lacking in maturity, especially given how she placed the blame on you rather than taking accountability. I would have a sit down talk with your gf and really lay it out.

Ask her how she would feel if you invited a male friend or brother to stay there and how it would appear that you expected her to just deal with the situation, as uncomfortable as it might be. Ask her how considerate that would be. Offer her no judgement, just try to understand and help her understand why you felt the way you felt.

OP responded:

Thanks for the thought out response. Definitely going to sit down and talk about it. Unfortunately I jumped right into sending a load of reactionary messages which were immature in themself, thankfully have been able to unsend them and so I will be doing just what you say and having a no judgement sit down to lay out how I feel and why.

[deleted] wrote:

Especially if there is no way to close off the bedroom and the main financial provider needs to sleep during the day! Girlfriend is selfish and entitled for inviting her sister without a conversation and agreement from her boyfriend, and then for the guilt tripping.

OP responded:

This is what really got me, nights are hard enough in a relationship anyway, I'm also in healthcare so really need to optimize sleep to be able to perform, I'm just baffled.

3yolksalad wrote:

Have you asked about her sleeping arrangements? Because now I’m curious how they think that would work.

OP responded:

Yes. She said she would sleep on the sofa (maybe one night crashing on a sofa this size is doable but not a few weeks) or on the floor (which would mean trampling her if went to get water/pee in the night and having to step over her in the morning to get coffee etc +) where there is just not enough space, I can't even do yoga/stretches inside cos we have so little floor space.

Just seems ridiculous to me. Of note there is a cultural difference, her family is different to mine and would often have much more communal living - but she knows that is different for me.

anoncommenter123 wrote:

I understand the space is small, but you're expecting her to drop her cultural norms to fit yours? Don't you see that as a bit ironic?

OP responded:

I don't think it is as simple as asking her to drop her cultural norms, we live a very western lifestyle together, as does her sister, I think her bringing up that 'its normal for them' to live more communally is unfair. Her family and our living/work situations are entirely different. They don't live in tiny one bed flats. If I visit her country I would be expected to adapt to fit in with their lifestyle.

The next day, OP shared another update.

I measured the couch they had planned for her to sleep on which I had told them isn't big enough, it's 4'5 in length (she is 5'5), there is not enough floor space for an air mattress or anything like that - it is simply not feasible.

To everyone who felt this was a deal breaker/relationship ender - that's kind of insane based on the above information. I agree with those who suggested that she was upset about any obstacles limiting her plan and that she was somewhat blinded by excitement to the reality of our situation.

I get that, I have done similar in the past. I don't think she was intentionally manipulating me, I think she was upset and wanted to express that, I get that. She apologised for making me feel bad, accepted the reality of our living situation and is trying to find workarounds. It's clear that communication is really key in relationships.

Had there been clear communication prior this whole situation could have been avoided. The reason I came to the internet rather than talk with her more is because she was traveling for around 24hrs and offline. To those who suggested we talk without judgement and just try and understand where both sides were coming from, thank you - this is the way.

The internet was invested in the update.

Scientist-of-sin wrote:

As someone who works nightshifts fairly frequently, there's already a level of irrational guilt that comes with not being available to your partner/friends/family when they're normally available and requiring a silent home during the day when your partner may want to invite guests over. I can imagine it felt pretty sh--ty to have the gf pile on the guilt when he was just being realistic.

dustiedaisie wrote:

I like how they communicated, he understood that she was blinded by excitement and not a horrible person and it worked out. Very mature and balanced. Not very internet-like at all. I was expecting there to be twist like we discover that sister is actually planning to move in and is totally broke and will be homeless or something.

Sooner70 wrote:

Do they not have hotels in that country? Seems like the sisters could rent a room for the duration...

mtdewbakablast wrote:

I love the updates where the poster decides that listening to the internet's escalations and drama is a bad idea so they talk to their partner, realize they should have just done that to begin with because they are in a functional relationship instead of a disaster nightmare hellscape, and it all gets sorted.

I am completely genuine. the banality of problem solving is glorious. When you're hearing tales from the emergency room all day long. It's good to be reminded that sometimes, people just go to their regular doctor for a sinus infection and they get their antibiotics and then that problem is just solved and that's it.