'AITA for telling my girlfriend I wouldn't make her coffee anymore unless she stops micromanaging me?'
"AITA for telling my girlfriend I wouldn't make her coffee anymore unless she stops micromanaging me?"
So, for context, I (24M) and my girlfriend (23F) have been together for about two years, living together for roughly six months. Normally, we have a good routine: I wake up first, make coffee, and she wakes up to a nice hot cup.
Recently, though, she started getting really particular about how she wants it done. She insists on using this super specific method: measure the grounds to the exact gram, pre-warm the mug in the microwave for 30 seconds, add the milk at a certain temperature, and on and on.
At first, I tried to oblige because hey, if she loves coffee that much, I want to make it nice for her. But it got to a point where every time I handed her a cup, she'd grill me: “Did you weigh the grounds first?” “Did you warm the mug?” “Is this whole milk or 2%?” If anything was off, even by a tiny bit, she'd sigh and say it wasn't as good as “the right way.”
One morning, she literally took the mug from me, dumped it down the sink, and started the process herself—while ranting that I never do it the right way. I got frustrated and told her, “If you’re going to be this picky, just make your own coffee. I’m done making something only to be told how it’s ‘wrong’ every time.”
She got upset and said I was overreacting, that she just wants her coffee a certain way, and that I should respect her preferences. I argued that I was respecting her preference—I just didn’t appreciate the constant criticism or micromanaging. She accused me of being lazy and unaccommodating.
Now, I’m feeling guilty because I do want her to enjoy her morning coffee, but I’m also tired of feeling like I’m a barista under constant scrutiny. AITA for telling her she can just handle it herself until she stops micromanaging me? Or should I just suck it up and follow her super detailed instructions?
The internet had plenty of things to say in response.
Capable-Limit5249 wrote:
Nope. NTA. If someone else is making my coffee for me I say thank you and I like it. Period. I went through a couple of years grinding beans daily and measuring and all that and I got over it. Now I use a Keurig and I like it. I don’t love it but I love a nice hot cup of coffee without fuss.
My sister makes the best coffee ever, I love it. But it’s labor intensive, one cup at a time, and you only get one. I want 2, sometimes 3. If she wants her coffee a certain way she can make it. Especially since you’ve tried! She’s a jerk, at least about this.
__the_kraken__ wrote:
So my husband is a little bit like your girlfriend. He has the super nice grinder and he weighs his espresso grounds to the gram and he measures the exact pressure and writes notes in his coffee journal and blah blah blah. Guess what? Sometimes he totally nails it and makes a perfect cup. And sometimes, it doesn’t turn out quite perfect, in spite of his best efforts.
What I’m saying is, if your girlfriend was making her own coffee, following her own exact steps, sometimes she wouldn’t be 100% happy with how it turned out. But I’ll bet she wouldn’t blame herself. You, on the other hand? She assumes you’re just not trying. She can make her own coffee. You are NTA.
separate_security472 wrote:
NTA. Holy cow! Making her coffee is a nice thing you are doing, not your job. Tell her "I'll never be able to make it as well as you do and I hate seeing you disappointed, so as the expert, you should make it."
mvms wrote:
NTA. I like my tea in VERY specific ways. If someone drops a Lipton's bag in a cup and pours microwaved water over it, I say thank you and drink my terrible tea. Then I go make fancy shit for myself. That's the only acceptable way to deal with someone making you a morning drink. You thank them, drink it, and then make a cup your preferred way.
anonymous9242163 wrote:
NTA. If I ask my boyfriend to do something for me, I accept that it is a favor and I can’t be picky. Like “babe, will you PLEASE help me clean out my car? It’d be really nice and a huge help.” But when he does, I don’t go white glove it and complain that he didn’t wipe out the cup holders.
He was being kind and helpful. But he’s not my servant. You can’t expect others to do nice things for you if you’re nasty about your expectations for how they’re done. It’s that simple. She sounds like a piece of work.
goblynn wrote:
NTA. If you were following general preferences—type of coffee, temp, how big her mug is, etc—and leaving her to add milk/sugar, even THAT would be fine.
Making her coffee following a slightly more specific preference, like “a hefty pour of milk and two spoons of sugar” is fine, too. What you’ve described would make her among the most-dreaded customers at any coffee shop in the country. I’d never make a cup for her again!
Younggod9 wrote:
NTA lol sounds like She needs a barista not a boyfriend you were making her coffee as a nice gesture, not applying for a job at a specialty cafe. If shes going to micromanage every step and dump it out when it’s not perfect she can make it herself. Basic respect goes both ways!
Teshi wrote:
NTA. This is not super clear cut but to me the way you approach it I think makes you not an AH. If you were refusing to use decaf or her preferred milk or even make a good cup, okay, that would be kind of jerky, but these seems above and beyond.
I think that people who want things done to an unusual level of precision do have to get used to the fact that you are not their employee--however much you love them--and to have things done exactly as they like them, they do have to do things themselves.
Part of being in any kind of relationship or living together is about compromise, and I think the compromise here is that you can't be her precision coffee maker. You can make her coffee, and use the right milk, and use about the right amount of coffee to make a decent cup, but it might not always be perfect.