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'AITA for telling my husband to accept the compromise we agreed on for our child's name?'

'AITA for telling my husband to accept the compromise we agreed on for our child's name?'


"AITA for telling my husband to accept the compromise we agreed on for our child's name or figure out a better compromise?"

My husband and I are expecting a baby, we don't know the s*x, but I could give birth at any time now. We have a boy and a girl name chosen. The choices generally are compromises. We didn't agree on names really and had different beliefs around names, I guess.

He believes in formal names and kids having really solid middle names as well. I believe in naming the child what you want to call them, something I got from my parents who named me and my siblings that way and my siblings went onto do the same. For example, I'm Lainey. Just Lainey.

I don't have a more formal version of my name. I never felt like I needed a more formal name. My name works for me as a 34 year old woman just as much as it did when I was 4. This led to some trouble for us because I gravitate more to names my husband considers nicknames. I found his choices very stuffy and unappealing and he found my juvenile.

But he liked Theodora and I liked Thea and we agreed eventually to the full name for him but I'd always use Thea. For a boy we went with Declan for him and Dex for me. Again with him using Declan and me Dex. But my husband doesn't like that I only say Thea or Dex.

It bothers him that the full name gets ignored and he said he believes my family and a lot of our friends will use the names I do. I told him the compromise only worked on the grounds that was okay, that he could use the full and I could use the nickname. He said the full name seems like it will be ignored otherwise and I should use both to make it more fair and I told him that's just him getting his way.

I told him if he wants a better compromise then he better come back to the table willing to look at different names. Before names like Brynn, Lyra, Piper and Freya were ruled out by him for not meeting his standards of formal. because they're shorter names. He said they were nickname light. But shorter more formal names feels like the only other possible compromise for us and he doesn't agree.

So I told him he needs to accept what we already compromised on or we find a better compromise which doesn't mean him getting his way. He told me I'm very dismissive of his concerns and I told him I was already going with a legal name I didn't care for under our compromise so he should be more willing to work with me if he wants to change the names. AITA?

The internet had plenty to say.

Wombat_Sprinkle wrote:


Your ask is reasonable. He seems very uptight. The one thing I’d say is: you should both respect the version of the name that your child chooses when they are old enough to have a preference.

OP responded:

That's a given for me. I'll respect if they go by a totally different name.

EmpressLadyDi wrote:

NTA. You came up with a perfect compromise and I really like the name and their variants you came up with. You did a great job and he's suddenly or still unhappy. Even if girl's name was idk Stephanie, majority of people (friends, family) would call her Steph, if boy's name was idk again William he'd be call Will.

Only exceptions are short name like John, James, Lyra etc. But he wants longer name, he won't avoid nicknames. He thinks (if it's a girl) her friends will call her Theodora? I really don't understand his struggle cause really the nicknames will almost always be there.

Plus, how will his family call the child? No nicknames at all? Just Stephanie or William always? No Steph, Will ever? Don't understand this part and would like more info about his family. So NTA. You really came up with a PERFECT compromise and he stepping back on it... It doesn't even make sense since he won't avoid nicknames.

OP responded:

His family will most likely be like him and only call our kid(s) by their full name. That's the way they are with each other.

latents wrote:


" I should use both to make it more fair"

Was he planning to do the same? If not, that would be 3/4 his way and 1/4 your way? That’s capitulation not compromise. I always thought things were fair or unfair. “More fair” doesn’t really fit because “more fair” to him seems to be “less fair” left for you, so that’s unfair.

OP responded:

He was not planning to do the same. He said because the full name will be ignored by most people anyway he felt it only right that I also use the full name so it's not as ignored.

Skyward93 wrote:

NTA-I think he’s being weird. Most people call kids by nicknames? Like I am also a fan of the formal name option, but I also like having nicknames. Even if you guys picked shorter names that don’t have nickname options people might end up calling them Peanut, Little Man, Ladybug idk some other nickname bc it’s a way to show affection.

I would suggest he pick formal names that have nicknames he likes all of bc your kid will likely decide for themselves at some point what they want to go by and it might not be the first one you chose.

Creepy_Push8629 wrote:

NTA. In my opinion, your original "compromise" was already him getting his way and you giving in completely. He was getting the legal names he wanted. Regardless of what compromise you reach, he doesn't get to dictate what name you use for your child or what name your child chooses to have people call them when they are old enough to communicate a preference.

He is demanding to get his way AND to control what you call your child. Is he like this in other ways? Because I have a strong feeling he is controlling and rigid in many other ways. Huge red flags you've been ignoring. Is he going to be like this as a parent?

mankytoothbrush wrote:

I knew a dude once with a 1 syllable name because him mother didn’t want people giving him a nickname (think along the lines of “John”). Everyone ended up calling him by his initials (JC). So, even with best intentions, people will nickname anyone.

NTA. You have formed a great compromise and he either needs to come up with new names to choose from or suck it up - the kids and their friends will ultimately decide what they end up being called, whether either of you like it or not.

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