'AITA for telling my husband I won’t cook dinner every night because I also work full-time?'
"AITAH for telling my husband I won’t cook dinner every night because I also work full-time?"
I (30F) have been married to my husband, Tom (32M), for 4 years. We both work full-time jobs—he works in IT, and I work in marketing. Despite us having similar work hours, I’ve somehow ended up being the one who cooks dinner every single night. At first, I didn’t mind because I enjoy cooking, but over time, it’s become exhausting.
Some days, I come home after a long day and just want to relax. Meanwhile, Tom comes home, sits on the couch, and waits for dinner to be served. He never offers to help with cooking or cleaning up afterward. Last night, I told Tom that I’m done being the only one responsible for cooking dinner.
I suggested that we split the responsibility—either he cooks a few nights a week, we take turns, or we order takeout sometimes. Tom got defensive and said it’s “not a big deal” since I’m “better at cooking anyway” and that it’s something I’ve always done. He also said he’s too tired after work and doesn’t see why this needs to change.
I got frustrated and told him it’s unfair to expect me to do everything when we both work. Now he’s upset, saying I’m overreacting and making a big deal out of something small. He even told a couple of his friends, who are siding with him, saying “it’s just dinner.” So, AITAH for telling my husband I won’t cook dinner every night because I also work full-time?
The internet had a lot to say in response.
herekittykitty250 wrote:
Don't you ever have leftovers? We would be buried in food if I made a meal every single night. Just stop making dinner every night. Since it's just dinner it won't be that big of a deal! /s
Also, as a side note- if you plan on having kids, this is exactly the kind of guy who won't be helping you with diapers, baths, feedings, naps, changing clothes, or pretty much anything not "fun" related to parenting.
Darkhead3380 wrote:
NTA. If you two work the same hours, the chores should be split 50/50. Including the responsibility(!). Either he makes up for your cooking time in other activities (cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, ...) or he's responsible for half of the meals. If he refuses to do his duties, just don't cook for him. Or leave the AH immediately. It's not the 50s any more.
Frankifile wrote:
Well if it’s not that big a deal he can do dinner for the next four years whilst you sit on your arse waiting to eat.
These friends who think it’s not a big deal, they don’t cook every evening after coming home from work?
You need to properly talk, tell him if he really thinks it’s no big deal he’ll cook, he needs the practice anyway as you’re the better cook. Tell him he can follow YouTube videos. Or simple recipes online. I mean I’d just point blank refuse to cook from here on and be looking to split up if he doesn’t step up. But that may be too far for you.
ElsaAfterDark wrote:
NTA. Sharing chores is fair since you both work full time. It’s not ‘just dinner’ when it adds to your workload.
FerretNo8261 wrote:
NTA.
I presently cook dinner every night during the week while working full time BUT I only do it because my husband coaches sports every night right now and our kids have to eat. The trade off is that he does all of the meal planning & the shopping.
The mental load is off. I just have to look at the day’s recipe & do it. I don’t have to search for something different, check ingredients, shop the missing items, etc. It’s actually a huge reduction on the mental load and it feels like he is partnering in the meal prep. It’s something he can do at any point (like on his lunch break) during the day as well.
Anyway, is there any other daily chore your husband participates in maintaining your shared home? If not, and he continues to be resistant, then I’d just inform him that you’re no longer cooking for him & just make your own meals, eat before you get home & sit on the couch yourself, or order for yourself.
It’s his house too and he should participate equally in the shared function of the home since you both are employed for the same number of work hours. I promise you if you don’t get this worked out, it will fester and become resentment leading to you filing for divorce anyway. I recommend reading the book Fair Play.
D-aug wrote:
Since “it’s just dinner” your degenerate husband has working thumbs and can make his own dinner. Match his energy. Be petty asf. Make your own dinner or better yet, eat before coming home from work. I hope you don’t plan on having a family with this one. He’s telling and showing you how little effort and support he’s going to put into raising the kids.
Suggest couples therapy. If he refuses, that should tell you everything you need to know to plan accordingly. Don’t get pregnant and if you decide to be a clown and do by this man child, never leave the workforce and be SAHM if you can help it. Hell, I wouldn’t even give the kids his last name.
Dramawithcompassion wrote:
NTA. Chances are, that his friends are not responsible for dinners either. Him saying „it is not a big deal“ while at the same time stating that he is too tired for the work shows, that he does realize how much work goes into makinf food. However, him „not seeing why this needs to change“ ist telling you: I know it is a lot of work, but I don‘t want to do it.“
He tries to gaslight you into believing you are overreacting. Dont fall for that shit. And honestly, I can just laugh about the „you cook better“ -arguement. He can learn to cook following a recipe. At the end, he just doesn‘t want do cook. He likes, that you cook while he lies on the couch. That is it.