'AITA for telling my husband I'd leave his brother if I were my sister-in-law?'

"AITA for telling my husband I'd leave his brother if I were my sister-in-law?"

My husband’s brother went abroad for a job six years ago. During the pandemic, his wife discovered that my brother-in-law had been cheating on her with another woman. They have a 10-year-old child.

Since the pandemic, my brother-in-law hasn’t returned home. I’m not very close to him or his wife, but we get along and have casual conversations from time to time since they’ve been married, and we've known each other for over 10 years.

I didn’t know about the cheating at first, but last year, during a casual conversation with my sister-in-law, I found out that my brother-in-law had been with this mistress during the pandemic.

I believe she reached out to me because she was seeking help from my husband. My brother-in-law has not been supporting her or their child for years, and she confided that all his support goes to the mistress.

Now, this is where the juicy details begin.

My brother-in-law fell ill and can no longer work abroad. He wanted to return to his wife's home, which is their conjugal property. However, my husband informed me that his wife disagreed with this, which I completely understood.

My husband and his family were upset with the brother-in-law's wife because they wanted him to live with his family. I told my husband, "No sugarcoating—if I were your brother's wife, I wouldn't accept him either."

He got mad at me, saying that what I said was hurtful as a brother. I tried to explain that I was just being honest.

I feel like I might be an a-hole because I didn't read the room, given the brother-in-law's situation.

However, my point is that they haven't been functioning as a married couple for years. He didn't return for years, got a mistress, and now that he's ill, he thinks his wife is still waiting for him. For additional context, I hate sugarcoating things, while my husband is super close to his brother and acts like the head of their family, always being protective of them.

The internet had OP's back all the way.

Im_a_twat53 wrote:

NTA. Cheating is cheating. Your brother in law needs to realize there are consequences of his actions. And your Husband's family are all the a-holes with the brother as the biggest one of course.

And all YOU did was express what you would do if it happened to you, which considering we are talking about brother-in-law being absent for months and expecting to be able to come home and act like nothing happened, sounds like your husband and his brother have been spoiled and sheltered by their mom their whole life.

OP responded:

Yes, my MIL always sides with my BIL, even when he's clearly in the wrong. I also suspect MIL dislikes the wife because the wife sued him for having an affair during the pandemic, which might explain why he hasn't come home.

As I've mentioned, I only found out about those last year; my husband kept the BIL's affair a secret from me, probably because he knew I would side with the wife. After being with my husband for many years, I've noticed how biased he can be towards his siblings.

jyslina wrote:

NTA oh cry me a river. Jesus, the guy's a dirt bag who left his wife and kid to fend for themselves. He can kick rocks, and so can your husband.

The_boss16 wrote:

Ask him the right questions "If I leave the country, live with my lover for years and after fell ill, would you accept me back, like nothing happened?" "So, do you think cheating it is ok?" NTA

P.S: Keep an eye in your husband, he thinks it is ok cheating.

Far_Nefariousness773 wrote:

NTA he can move in with his parents. He legally can’t come home anyways. He hasn’t lived in home for years and has no paper trail showing he’s supported the household. I would call the police if he showed up.

Fit_Profession_1780 wrote:

NTA.

He didn’t support her or HIS child for years and expects to be welcomed with open arms?! 🤣 Tell him to go reach out to the mistress for help. Your SIL needs to file for that divorce.

Pretty_Meet_432 wrote:

NTA BIL imploded his marriage and boy thinks he can come back home now because he’s sick? Boo frickin Hoo! Someone else can take his philandering self home. Rest of the family needs to leave poor SIL alone—woman has been through enough.

OP responded:

Exactly my point. I get that my husband feels sorry for his brother, but if he did the same thing to me, there's no way I'd take him back. I also believe my sister-in-law has endured too much without her husband's support for years. That’s why I shared my perspective with him, though I didn’t go into too much detail, which ended up upsetting him.

shizuka_chan11 wrote:

NTA but seriously if your husband is acting as 'head' of family then he should have shamed his brothers cheating! He should have supported his nephew and SIL.. His getting mad at you and his actions and his family's actions speak a lot about their upbringing and character. If I would have been you I would have devised a contingency plan and be more cautious.

Prestigious-Apple452 wrote:

So your husband has just realised what would happen if he hypothetically had an affair and abandoned you without support and turns out he doesn’t like it?

NTA, BIL is trying to avoid consequences of his actions. I’d be telling him his mistress can take care of him