'AITA for telling my husband no he can't go climbing and has to help with home reno first?'

"AITA for telling my husband no he can't go climbing and has to help with home reno first?"

I plan to show my husband the responses so please be as honest as possible. My (36F) husband (38m) and I decided to renovate the bathroom because there was water damage from a toilet that had been leaking. It was mostly my idea to renovate but not just for aesthetics, mold was growing at the bottom of the vanity, sheetrock, etc.

He agreed to renovate but really had very little interest in the process. He has untreated ADHD and does not enjoy home maintenance (not speculation, he tells me this). With that being said it became my job to apply for loans, search for contractors, schedule the contractors to come, etc. It's A LOT of mental work. I did it alone.

He did agree to save money and offered to demo the bathroom himself. I was hesitant at first because he is not usually motivated to do things in the house and also due to the ADHD his timeline and processing speed is very slow and often time things don't get down. He promised me many times he wanted to do it. I sent screenshots of the calendar and told him the days he would start.

The whole week leading up to demo day I mentally prepare him. We've been together for 21 years. I know how he is. He'll say he forgot or it'll seem like brand new information to him so every day he gets a reminder. Fast forward to last night, the night before demo is to start he sends me a message asking if he can go climbing with his friends.

I said I'd prefer if he would just demo like we agreed. He only has 2 days off. So I said no, sorry, you can't go. It turned into almost an hour argument back and forth about how the weather won't be good the rest of the days and he can just do it then. But I know him. He waits until the last minute and something may go wrong.

We may need to call for extra help or something. I always have a sense of urgency and he has none and it makes my life very difficult. To add, he has a job where he can often do his hobbies. He climbs with his work friends, goes hiking, skiing, etc. When he has days off he goes for bike rides for hours.

He is absolutely not deprived of leisure time but I am. I have been home all summer (I'm a teacher) being responsible for my kids 90% of the time. Being up with them in the morning, taking them out for activities all day, and putting them to sleep. On top of that I have cleaned up after the kids and his messes every single day. I haven't had a day of fun the entire summer. So I feel anger and resentment constantly.

Our fight ended with him telling me it makes no sense to tell him he has to start on this day, he'll just do it the next day. I'm the one being unreasonable and everyone else will agree with him and not me. Also, to add today is Thursday. Our tile guy comes in on Monday and the entire bathroom needs to be completely gutted by the morning. Thank you! 🙏🏼

The internet did not hold back.

B3Gay_DoCr1mes wrote:

NTA. And since you said he's going to look at the responses: Dude, you're a grown man with children. Your ADHD is not an excuse. Step up and start being a partner/husband/father. Responsibility comes first, even if it doesn't give you serotonin.

Do the damn demo. Also, get your ADHD treated before your wife's resentments lead her to decide that she no longer wants to be your mother, let alone your wife and she divorces you

Danausehnon wrote:

NTA.

Your husband made a commitment. Now, he needs to honor his word. This may sound a little harsh, but he can not throw around his ADHD as an excuse to get out of things he doesn't want to do.

Part of being an adult is doing shit you do not want to do. I do not want to clean my house or do laundry or pick up groceries. I still do it. I am not downplaying ADHD, but it is his responsibility to learn how to live with and overcome his disability. You are trying to support him, but he also needs to take initiative in finding various ways to cope.

eyetis wrote:

As soon as I read climbing, it's very obvious who the issue is. Your NTA. He made a commitment to this and it's unfair and illogical for him to back out the night before. He has plans and he can tell his friends he can't make it. Climbing shouldn't be more important than a functioning bathroom in the family home.

It sounds like you have a lot of built up resentment towards your husband though. That isn't healthy for you, or the relationship. Have you brought up the disparity between your downtime and his downtime? Why doesn't he take the kids with him on the bike rides or other outdoor activities?

Why is he even going on hours long bike rides regularly if you aren't getting hours away from the children? Has he ever offered to give you the same time away? Does he know the children's daily routines? You don't have to answer those questions here, but if you haven't asked him already, you should.

Individual_Ad_9213 wrote:

NTA. Tell him that he has a choice: either he does the demo work, or you will hire someone to do it in his place. You've been with him for 21 years. You know his pattern.

Please reread what Albert Einstein is supposed to have said about insanity: "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

So moving forward, refuse to engage in this last minute back-and-forth. Plan on him being completely unavailable and hire trained professionals for everything. Oh yeah, after this is al done, treat yourself to a spa day for your own mental health.

101037633 wrote:

NTA. Responsibilities always trump play. There will be other times to climb. The bathroom is on a deadline now. You will be to charged extra money from the contractor, if it is not ready to go on the specified day.

If this was me, I’d be getting real tired of managing another adult’s life. Your husband needs to grow up, and stop using ADHD as an excuse to shirk his very real/costly adult responsibilities. Play comes after.