'AITA for telling my husband's cousin she shouldn't have thrown a gender reveal party?'
"AITA for telling my husband's cousin she shouldn't have thrown a gender reveal party?"
Both me (29F) and my husband's cousin Lena (fake name; 27F) are pregnant. I'm due in late May, while she's due in August. My baby will be my second child (I have a three year old son), and hers is her first.
Lena and I aren't particularly close (and to be honest, I'm not fond of her), but since we're both pregnant, we've been talking more often than usual. It was during those conversations that she expressed wanting a baby girl. She specifically said she couldn't see herself raising a boy.
Last month, Lena hosted a gender reveal party, and found out she's having a son. She was visibly disappointed after finding out the sex of her baby. She threw on a fake smile during the actual reveal, but didn't keep it up for long. For the rest of the party, Lena remained frustrated, and was cold and short with everyone who tried to congratulate her.
I don't know if Lena told anyone else that she wanted a girl, but her disappointment has gotten pretty obvious. Since her party, she's been less excited about her pregnancy. We've been speaking less, because she doesn't even want to talk about her baby anymore. Her sadness has earned her some sympathy and support from my in-laws.
My baby shower will take place this weekend. I'm having a girl, but my husband and I decided to wait until birth to reveal that. As such, none of my in-laws have been informed.
A couple days ago, Lena called to ask about my baby's gender. She said that if I'm expecting a girl, she won't come to the baby shower. When I asked why, she said she's still "mourning her daughter," and doesn't want to be reminded that she's not having a girl. She also said that since she'd shared her reveal with the family, it was only fair I told her.
I reminded her we weren't telling anyone until birth, but told her she was welcome to avoid the shower if she wasn't comfortable attending. Lena continued to pressure me to tell her, but I stood my ground. After some back and forth, she told me I was being inconsiderate, as I knew how devastated she'd been. She said she deserved to know if I was about to "rub my happiness in her face."
That's when I ran out of patience. I told Lena that if having a boy was that awful to her, she shouldn't have thrown herself a gender reveal in the first place. I said that she could stop celebrating her pregnancy if she wanted to, but she can't dictate what I do about mine.
Lena is furious. She told my in-laws that I was kicking her out of my baby shower. I told everyone the truth, but many are still on her side. They're saying that it's rude of me to dismiss Lena's pain, and that I should be more graceful towards her.
My husband is completely on my side, as is my brother-in-law. As much as I don't think I was wrong to stand my ground, I do recognize that her feelings towards her baby are none of my business. I was both frustrated and exhausted at the time, and I know I would have reacted differently otherwise. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Trevena_Ice said:
NTA. And Lena is really an TA to her child. The poor boy. Being hated by his mother because of his gender. Yes Lena could have been disapointed at her reveal - but by now she should be over it. She sounds childish. And I'm worried about the little boy, if he will ever feel love or if he will always be the boy who ruined Lena's change to have a first born daugther. Celebrate your baby shower the way you want and kick Lena out. As you don't need this kind of negativity around for your celebration.
1283throwaway said:
NTA. And I feel bad for Lena’s son. Please give that child as much care and love as you can because I don’t think he’s going to get any from his mother.
friendlily said:
If people are being selfish and unreasonable, they can't be mad when people don't cater to them. And you can have sympathy for her while still not caving to her ridiculous demand that you tell her something you're keeping private. You are NTA. Your only obligation in handling this is to not be mad at her that she's skipping your shower. That's it. It's super immature how she's trying to divide the family now.
Lepetitgateau90 said:
NTA. IT'S RUDE TO DISMISS LENA´S PAIN? WTF. You should never have children if PAIN is what you get by not getting your "wish-gender."
venus_4938 said:
NTA. Gender reveals need to end in general, but I absolutely can't stand when people have them when they are passionately against one sex. You're allowed to want a certain sex (even though kids will not turn out exactly how you think they will). But your kid will probably hear about your reaction someday.
I'd be really sad to know my parent threw a hissy fit because of my genitals. You can teach your kid to play a sport, wear matching outfits, paint nails, learn the family business, regardless of genitals. Unless I'm living life very wrong?
mlc885 said:
NTA. Lena is kind of a jerk, though. How do you reveal it to her without revealing it to everyone? You can't, and you don't want to reveal it until birth; her feelings about your pregnancy and your child cannot come before yours. But you didn't kick her out of the event, you did as much as you could of what she asked. She had already said she would not come if you were having a girl. I hope she gets some sense before she has that baby.