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'AITA for telling my husband's ex that I must be his favorite since he married me?' UPDATED

'AITA for telling my husband's ex that I must be his favorite since he married me?' UPDATED

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"AITA for telling my husband's ex that I must be his favorite since he married me?"

Okay, so my 40sF husband 40sM have been off and on since we were 12, broke up at 22, took a 17 year break and got together 3 years ago and have been married for a little over 2. He spent almost 3 years with an ex and they broke up about 10years ago.

The ex, who I will call Patty, and my husband Doug broke up on good terms and she will reach out here and there to say happy birthday, merry Christmas and she reached out when she heard we were getting married and gave us her congratulations.

Saturday night we went to the local bar and she happened to be there and we all sat together drinking, talking and just hanging out. I was 3 jack and Cokes in and I can not remember how it got brought up but Patty at one point said "Well at least I will always be your favorite girlfriend." I laughed and said "Wouldn't I be his favorite girlfriend since I'm the one he married?"

She stopped smiling and just looked at me. She finished her drink and let not long after that. Last night Doug got a long message from Patty saying she was really shocked at how jealous, immature, Petty and mean I am given my age and that I should be more secure in our marriage and in myself and that it's okay for Doug to care about others besides just me.

She also told him how much him telling her she was his favorite girlfriend all those years ago had always meant to her and can't understand why I had to s-t on it. Doug told her he was sorry what I said upset her but that I was just saying a fact, I was the favorite girlfriend and that's a huge reason he married me.

She sent back another long text saying I just think I'm better than her because Doug had a very firm stand that he would never marry, he didn't care if he had a gun to his head it wouldn't happen. When we reconnected this time he asked me to marry him after a month and we married after 8 and a half months.

Doug told her that it wasn't true,I don't think I'm better than anyone and said again he was sorry she was hurt but that I said nothing wrong, told her the things she was saying about me aren't true and to be er speak about me like that again. I truly never in a million years would want to hurt anyone's feelings. I said I was his favorite because I feel like you marry your favorite person don't you?

Why would you marry someone who isn't your favorite? So am I the AH here? Doug told me it's not in anyway on me that she got hurt. My best friend said that I didn't say anything that wasn't true and thinks maybe Patty is going through some stuff or just went through a break up and is just taking it out on me.

The internet did not hold back.

Public-Map8515 wrote:

Methinks that the lady might be carrying a torch for your husband.

OP responded:

I wondered that myself. But every time she has sent my husband anything he's showed me and it's only like a sentence, he will respond and that's it.

sleek-black-cat wrote:

NTA. You did nothing that wasn’t true. I just want to point out that Doug is the real MVP here. He could have take her side, or gone neutral, or simply asked you to apologize to Patty for the sake of the friendship or whatever.

I’m just in awe that he defended you and stuck to his guns when Patty continued to argue. He showed her he loves and prefers you. Good for him! I’ve read so many stories in which the man takes the ex’s side it’s sickening.

OP responded:

I'm very lucky when it comes to him. He always has my back no matter what.

tell-it-str8t wrote:

NTA. She's going through something alright-accepting the fact that you broke her delusion that although he was marrying you, she was still his favorite.

Maleficent-leek2943 wrote:

NTA. It’s weird that she said it at all, and even weirder that she made such a huge deal about it when corrected. Like what did she expect, for him to say that yes, she is in fact his favorite of all the people he ever dated? To what end?

Tikala wrote:

NTA. Sounds like you tried to lightly play off her odd remark and instead of laughing and moving on she turned it into a whole thing. It was a really awkward thing for her to say and your response should have given her a chance to realize she had put her foot in her mouth. I’d just try to move on and not worry about it anymore.

Winterfront1431 wrote:

This is why you don't stay In contact with exs.

She is jealous bitter and immature, not you. Who says that to someone they dated in front of their wife? Pathetic.

She was a tiny blip in your life long story, she seems insecure and expected to be Dougs number one.

Sad sad woman. He needs to cut her off.

youmustb3jokin wrote:

No offense but why do you care. She started the jab with the declaration that she was “his favorite girlfriend” in front of his wife/former girlfriend. Her hurt feelings don’t supersede your hurt feelings, which she started first. She’s playing a game.

She’s villainizing you in the hopes to get your man to get mad at you and take her side proving that she wins. News flash: it is a petty and jealous induced tactic. Tell her to grab her crayons and go to the nearest preschool to play. Do not feel bad for sticking up for yourself.

OP responded:

I don't really know other than I guess the people pleaser part of my brain doesn't like knowing I hurt someone's feelings even if I wasn't at fault. But the other half says it was completely her fault all the way around and that anyone would have said to her the same thing I did.

RedneckDebutante wrote:

The ex tried to stake her claim on your husband and is embarrassed you set her straight lol. Nice job! I bet her face was priceless.

OP responded:

She just looked at me and blinked a lot.

A while later OP came back to answer questions and give an update:

Thank you everyone who commented on my post First-to answer a few things I saw alot-

1. We are not friends with Patty. She is not in our friend group or circle and it was the first and only time I ever even met her. We decided to go to the bar that night to help raise some money for a family and she happened to be there.

She came over and started talking and sat down. Yes we do live in a small, rural area as we live in the same county but we are at the edge and she lives about 45 minutes away from us so we never shop or anything in the same places so it really was just weird luck we were at the same place.

2. I didn't think it mattered but it was brought up a lot-the 17th year gap in us being together is because that's how long I was with my ex husband.

3. People saying Doug was going to leave me again- If you think a 42 year old man acts the same in marriage as he did in a relationship in Highschool as a teen you should talk to a professional of some kind because trust me, good men don't act the same as a teenage boy.

4. Why do I care? My ex husband was abusive. Everything was my fault, everything I did or said was wrong no matter what, even when I'd agree that I was at fault, it would all be flipped on me. With help I am so much better than I was 3 years ago.

One of the many horrible things my ex loved to tell me was that I just think things aren't my fault when actually I'm a horrible person.When you aren't used to talking back,it can fuck with you from time to time. Old me would have never said a word to Patty.

Ok so the update- as many of you guessed, Patty was hung up on Doug saying he'd never marry then married me. A few days after my post when he got home he showed me Patty had messaged him saying she was sorry and she asked him "Why wasn't marriage an option with me but it was the only one with her? Was I that bad?".

He told her that him marrying me had nothing to do with her,he didn't marry her or anyone else because simply they weren't me, that it was only ever going to be me and he reminded her she also said she didn't want to get married and he was upfront from the very beginning.

She responded with "Well it's not like I had any other option, you didn't give me any choice." He said a few things about that being bullshit,told her to get some therapy then he blocked her. She only ever messaged him through Facebook, she hasn't had his number since he changed it right after their break up.

Doug then got on my Facebook and blocked her just in case she gets in her feelings again. Doug apologized to me and is also proud of me for saying something back to her. So thanks everyone for helping me feel better.

Sources: Reddit
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