'AITA for telling my husband's female best friend she can't host my baby shower?'

"AITA for telling my husband's girl best friend she can't host my baby shower?"

I (22f) and my husband (23m) got married young, I was eighteen, he was nineteen. Both of us knew we always wanted to get married and start a family young. I started college two years ago, and he just graduated with a Bachelor of Biomedical Science.

My husband has a girl best friend (23f), who I'll call Sam, who he met in College, both of them grew up Baptist, and while he's left the church, they had a very similar childhood and bonded quite quickly. Despite what you may be thinking her and I got along really well. She and I liked the same music and we were both studying in relatively the same fields so she became a friend of mine as well.

Since I found out I was pregnant though, some issues have started to arise. We announced our pregnancy on social media after we told our parents. Sam texted my husband a congrats text and then told him to pass on her well wishes to me.

She's been texting him nonstop with baby advice and what she likes to call "advice for mama" which includes sometimes relatively targeted jabs at what I should eat. Honestly, I kept brushing the texts off, but it got to a point where the conversations were less about the baby and more about me which I was getting increasingly uncomfortable with because she wasn't texting me she was texting my husband.

My husband acknowledged this and has just started to show them to me and ask what I want him to do. I just told him to ignore them. When I announced I was having a baby shower and sent out the invites, I recieved a text from Sam. She said something along the lines of wanting to host my baby shower and set it up.

I told her politely that my mom was planning on hosting it with the help of my sister and that it was a special moment for them and I wouldn't want to take that away. Well Sam ignored that message, because the next day, she came over and insisted we start working out arrangements for the venue.

I told her once again, my mom and sister were hosting it and she told me that she should take her advice and let her plan it because she'd ensure that the baby shower would be better if she planned it particularly because she'd be working on the menu.

Whether it was pregnancy hormones or just bottled up rage, I told her that the jabs she'd been making at me behind my back about my diet during this pregnancy to my husband are really annoying at that no she cannot host this shower and from now on her unsolicited advice was not appreciated especially if she can't say it to my face.

That night my husband's phone blew up with messages from Sam saying that he had no right to show her those messages and they were just supposed to just be health tips because Sam was studying nutritional science and only wanted to help her best friend and ensure a happy baby and life.

Honestly, I don't know. I know she had somewhat good intentions and she's been a good friend to my husband and to me so AITA?

The internet kept it real in the comment section.

ducksmcquackers wrote:

NTA.

Sam overstepped massively, to the point where it's clear she has more than platonic feelings for your husband.

If Sam was truly your friend she would:

Text you directly.

Listen to you.

Understand that advice doesn't have to be taken.

Not make this about her.

Not be upset when you get shown the advice that should be meant for you.

It's clear Sam doesn't understand that there needs to be boundaries in the friendship. You and your husband have to be firm about what those boundaries are. This can't be a you thing or a him thing, you both have to be united in this.

Teenysod wrote:

NTA, your instincts are right on this one.

If the two of you got along so well, why wasn't Sam texting you directly with all her "helpful" advice?

This woman sounds like she is trying to insert herself between you and your husband in a really nasty manipulative way. I think you need to have a serious discussion with your husband about boundaries. What did husband say after his phone blew up?

Mother_to3 wrote:

Your husband had “no right” to show you those messages??? I assume Sam isn’t married. Healthy relationships don’t have secrets. You are NTA. He needs to cut her off.

InfamousCup7097 wrote:

You know what's bad for the baby....stress, and she's adding to it. Your husband needs to set boundaries with his "friend" now before he starts looking like an AH. When the baby comes, neither of you will have time to entertain a third party because you'll be exhausted. She sounds borderline crazy. Make sure she doesn't try to hurt you and keep her far away from the baby.

MsCatw wrote:

NTA- but her and your husband are. Why is he allowing another female to put you in a place of discomfort? Maybe I’m just spoiled by a loving and protective husband. But there’s no way he’d allow anyone to do this to me. And he would tell anyone quickly that there are no secrets and there is no disrespecting me. Just like I am for him.

Lazy_Crocodile wrote:

NTA. Ignoring her messages is not the right solution. It’s time for your husband to set specific boundaries. Better yet - invite her over together and have the conversation face to face. She is counting on having separate side conversations with your husband - as evidenced by “that night my husband’s phone blew up with messages.” That needs to stop.

Sit her down and say:

We are married and there is nothing you can send me that I am going to keep secret from my wife.

Please stop sending me messages about my wife.

So you understand?

pgsmom wrote:

NTA. She’s definitely overstepping. Boundaries need to be set. The fact that she thinks your husband somehow betrayed her by showing you (his WIFE) texts she’s sending is strange. She needs to know her place. Your husband needs to set clear boundaries. She’s a friend, not a third person in your marriage.

Short-Log-4875 wrote:

NTA. Everyone always has the most insane amount of unsolicited advice for pregnant women and new mothers. Trust me, we've all experienced it. And we've all tried to be polite and smile and accept it graciously.

And eventually there's that one person who just won't stop no matter how politely we ask them and tell them their advice/help isn't needed in this situation and they just won't shut the hell up and you end up screaming at them and suddenly you're the worst person in the world because they were just trying to help.

Don't apologise. Don't feel bad. Her "helpful" diet tips were sent to your husband, not you. That's not helpful, that's a jab. You repeatedly told her that your mother and sister are organising your baby shower and didn't need any help and she didn't listen to you and insisted she could do better. Now you're justifiably pissed. And she can get the hell over it.

Equal-Brilliant2640 wrote:

You’ve got a husband problem. You need to have a strongly worded conversation with him NOW! He needs to shut her down HARD! There is no middle ground here. If he doesn’t see the issue with her behaviour? Well you’ve got a bigger problem on your hands. Hopefully he sees her blowing up his phone as a massive issue and steps up to the plate. Good luck you’re gonna need it.