'AITA for telling my ill dad to stop asking me to visit him in the hospital? I'm drained from my kids.'

"AITA for telling my ill dad to stop asking me to visit him in the hospital?"

I am in my mid 30’s. My parents are really old. My dad is almost 90. My mom is in her 70’s. My dad was in his mid 50’s when my parents had me. Since I was 6 years old, my dad has had major procedures in the hospital. At first it was once every 2-3 years, and within the last 15 years it’s been once a year. In the last two years, it’s been every few months.

My mom got married “later” in life. She lived her life to help her parents. I feel like because she “missed out,” she put unrealistic expectations on me. She pressured me even before I ever met my current husband to find someone and have kids. I had kids, and shortly after my youngest was born she let me know she wouldn’t be able to help me.

I expected such with her age, but it was insane to me how even yet still she would ask me to have more. My dad has been in the hospital twice now this year for complications from congestive heart failure. My eldest is 3 and my youngest is 16 months. I am able only to see my dad for a short while in the hospital. They call me everyday to ask if I’m coming to see them.

My mom sent me a text today in the middle of my work meetings saying “your dad is asking for you.” I’ve been so exhausted from just raising kids, dealing with issues with my husband, work, cleaning house, potty training, etc. I saw the text and called her and said “why did you send the text?”

She said “I’m just letting you know your dad is asking for you.” I responded “has anything changed? Is anything happening?” She said “nothing changed since yesterday” (when I last saw them). Is this practical, or normal? I’m extremely overwhelmed and this is just added stress coming off as manipulation to me.

My father just called me in the middle of writing this and asked me why I’m not at the hospital and I responded, in the middle of playing with my kids, “if you wanted me to be by your side all the time why did you all expect grandkids from me? Did you think that my job was just to give birth to them and abandon them once you needed me?” I feel horrible I said this.

My mom made a comment I can find a baby sitter and that she always sees advertisements for baby sitters. I told her that I can’t afford daycare and a baby sitter everyday to come see you. Then my kids will see me less than 4 hours a day. I hate to add on this part, but — my dad has literally had everything. Heart surgery, intestinal surgery, cancer, a stroke, etc. His health is declining rapidly.

But he will be in the hospital for weeks. Not only can I not afford child care to cover me for weeks — I don’t want to. I want to spend time with my kids, especially knowing that…he’s always in the hospital, and my kids are too young in my opinion not to have me for a set amount of hours a day.

My mom told me I’m the a-hole for and that I should respect a dying man’s wishes — but he’s been having a d*ing man’s wishes for 15 years now. AITA for asking my parents to stop asking me when I’m going to visit?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

crocrodilezebramilk wrote:

NTA, but you sound like you’re holding onto a lot of resentment towards your parents, like this is a life your father chose for himself and not that he lost the genetic lottery.

OP responded:

This is what I’ve struggled with most of my life and I only came to accept this fact. I have a lot of resentment for them having me late, especially my dad at the age he did as a second shot since his first marriage ended in divorce and my sister despised him for it. I’m not saying just because it didn’t work out then he shouldn’t remarry. But trying that in your 30’s and 40’s to have kids is reasonable.

Trying again to start a whole new family in mid 50’s, and choosing to retire a few years later when your young kids still need you is selfish. I know many people do it and maybe they have the financial means so that it offsets other stress, especially with getting help (nannies). It wasn’t the case for us. I was 10 years old if I remember correctly, helping my dad doing PT after his latest surgery.

Not because he was born with a certain condition, where this was just how it was, but because he chose to have young kids when he didn’t have the time, the health, and the finances. Forgive me I know this sounds like it’s coming from a dark place but it’s impacted me on so many levels. It even messed with my ability to choose friends, lovers, etc. I spent years trying to learn what a boundary was.

uARnotme wrote:

NTA but I can see why you would feel like one. Do you have friends, other family, anyone in your life to just vent to once in a while? You are one human being. You have two tiny human beings who depend on you to keep them safe.

Your parents don’t depend on you and they are as safe as they can be. It’s not reasonable to expect you to be there daily to make small talk and hang out when you are juggling so many plates already.

Counseling and support groups can be fantastic resources if you have time and money for that but it doesn’t sound like you do right now. That’s why I’m hoping you at least have friends and family who can help you carry this emotional burden until you can catch your breath. You’re NTA here. You feel guilty because you’re a good person, a good daughter, and a good mother.

OP responded:

My close friends have moved away for work or family reasons, or are here but everyone’s so busy. The few that I get to see also have their own issues.

Quite frankly some will listen but my situation is tough for them to understand because their parents had them at a younger age etc. And I’ve been also just trying to have fun when I do see my friends / acquaintances so that some part of life is enjoyable— if that makes sense?

uArnotme responded:

That totally makes sense and it’s important to carve out time for yourself if you can. And sometimes you just can’t, especially with so many other people claiming your time. It might help if the friends who are willing to listen can only listen.

Maybe say “I know this is an impossible situation I’m living in and there isn’t a perfect solution, but could you let me spill my guts a minute so you can at least tell me I’m not crazy?”

I hope that seeing how many people here agree that you’re doing the best you can gives you some comfort. I also get that you’re not trying to bring down the mood while you are able to socialize. I just mean if once in a while you could find a way to get it out of your head.

OP responded:

Honestly I’m posing this question because I’ve always been told I was ungrateful etc but after growing up I realized that healthy families don’t put high expectations on their children from such a young age. But now I’m not a kid anymore, so is this expected ? Is this typical for so many other people, particularly from “healthy” families?

zgrrsd wrote:

NTA. Your parents seem to utterly misunderstand the workload you have. Your mother had a single child with solid support 30 year ago. And thinks that you with your two children, job and no family support should be able to manage dependent parts on the side.

"I did it back in my day". Your father is absorbed in his age and health issues and might not have a lot of room left for considering the situation of anyone else.

I probably wouldn't. The time to worry is when the doctors say it or he is suddenly doing better - that might be when the end is coming. If they truly think babysitters aren't that cheap (and you are actually willing to try it), they can pay for one. Including the extra price for short term replacement, if the planned one has a emergency.

If they can't afford one, neither can you. Otherwise just calling him for 15 minutes a day might be enough? That shows interest, without costing you the driving time. Be the one to initiate the call. I found mandatory family calls are over quicker when I am the one initiating them on my time.

OP responded:

We FaceTime with them usually several times a day. I just couldn’t get to it today. My mom had 2 kids but no help. I helped her with my younger sibling, she would often leave me with him at a very young age to go to work or run errands, etc.

I hate to say this like this way, I feel like I did a lot for them from a young age and now that I have my own family I’m trying to choose the family I birthed as much as possible.

Ill-Raisin5649 wrote:

Wait, is your sibling also getting this treatment?

OP responded:

Not to the same extent. He’s the youngest and my only remaining sibling. They have historically tried not to pull him in, as they say he’s “different” and can’t handle stress well.

damnthatscrazy5280 wrote:

NTA. This seems to be an issue mostly with your mom. I would suggest talking to her individually and letting her know that “passing the message along” isn’t helpful and adding more stress to you.

OP responded:

Yeah I texted her earlier asking how passing the message along is helpful. She told me I was an a hole and that my response shows that I have a sick heart full of ill intentions.

impossible_memory_75 wrote:

I went through a similar thing with my parents (my dad passed at 90, mom at 85) my mom wanted visits daily(especially after my dad passed). I was working full time with a part time job as well. I have 3 older siblings that were "busy."

I felt bad having to turn down my mom daily. The guilt really got to me. And I didn't want her to feel I was blowing her off. What worked (as someone above stated) was to set a schedule.

Set days that I would visit. It was easier for both of us. Mom didn't have to beg for daily visits, and I could be guilt free and have planned visits. I know it's stressful right now, but when they are gone you will yearn for these stressful days. Hang in there, and enjoy your time with them.

OP responded:

I offered my parents to move in, so this way they wouldn’t feel alone, they could be part of my kids daily lives and enjoy, etc. I said we don’t have a lot of space, but we could make it work.

They felt that I was trying to take their independence. I told them it’s the only way I can see them consistently and have time to do the tasks they need from me. I wouldn’t want to also move in with my kids especially after being independent for so long, but after living this, I have my own opinions now on how I want to approach aging etc.

smileycat007 wrote:

Ask your mom if she'll come watch your kids for a couple of hours so you can visit your father.

OP responded:

She won’t. I asked. She said she misses my kids and she loves them, but she’s too tired to keep up.