'AITA for telling my ILs they shouldn't blame me for facing backlash in my hometown? They ignored my warnings.'

"AITA for telling my ILs they shouldn't blame me when they ignored my friendly warnings?"

My ILs moved back in June. They had been planning this move for several months and had their house up on the market before they told my husband (24m) and me (23f). They had mentioned the name of a small town they liked and were considering their #1 choice of location. I know the place well because it's my home town. And I fled right as I was turning 17 and never went back there.

There are zero happy memories of my home town for me. I was raised in one of "those" families. The ones that are the talk of everyone in town for all the wrong reasons. I'm the only member of my family (dad, mom, brother) who did not get locked up or get in trouble with the law. But people still hated me because of who my family was. Growing up there was hell.

And the one friend I had back then got a lot of crap for being friends with me. Teachers treated her like crap, she was thrown under the bus alongside me many times. Even her family gave her crap for being friends with me. When all three family members were locked up together I decided I just needed to run away and get far from there or I'd live in literal hell until I turned 18. And I knew it would happen.

My ILs always knew I came from a family that got in trouble with the law a lot. They also knew I had a bad reputation where I came from as a result. They didn't know my home town until that came up when they mentioned their move and I gave them a friendly heads up/warning that living there and making their association to me known would not be a great idea.

That they would likely be treated poorly as a result. My husband suggested there were so many other places they could look at. But his parents had their hearts set. My husband and I worried for his much younger siblings who are all still in school. I knew most, if not all, my past teachers would still be there.

But I had hoped they wouldn't be too open about me. They moved in June. By August they had mentioned me to some people or some people had seen photos of me and my husband in their home. And when my siblings in-law started school...it wasn't great. They found it hard to make friends, one BIL was denied a place on the football team.

Parents don't want their kids associating with them. They also noticed neighbors are less friendly, they don't get the same chitchat they liked when they first moved. And they heard a lot of hate about my family. The kids especially. And now my ILs (by this I mean my husband's parents) are mad at me and they acted like I didn't warn them.

I reminded them that I did give them a friendly warning and they couldn't say I didn't so they shouldn't blame me. My husband had my back on that and told them the same. They told me I shouldn't be saying any I told you so's when my husband's siblings are negatively impacted. The funny/sad part is my husband's siblings aren't mad. It just made them sad for me. AITA?

The internet had a lot to say about the situation.

Cultural_Section_862 wrote:

NTA you explicity told them this would likely happen.

OP responded:

Yep and I did it because I really do care about my ILs and the kids especially. They were always so sweet and kind to me and loved me so easily. I wish I could protect them from this.

KnkyPrsident wrote:

NTA. You cant help the circumstances here. It’s very unfortunate though, people are the worst. They should give you a chance, especially being the only one to have never been locked up. By the way, why are so many people marrying so young? I feel like I didn't know my bum from my elbow at 23 compared to now, and I’m only 4 years older.

OP responded:

For sure they can. Some are wonderful. But I found there are certain mindsets that set in when you're from a smaller town. Reputation can do way more harm and people are less likely to give you a fair shot if you're from one of those bad egg families. In my case doing pretty well in school until my junior year (my grades went to crap then) didn't do me any good.

Can't speak for everyone but I think I had to grow up in some ways a lot younger and in order to get through everything I had to be an adult before some others. So when I fell in love with my husband and we had lived together through lockdwon, we knew we wanted to be married to each other. We didn't do anything huge though. Just us, his family and some friends.

Cassowary32 wrote:

NTA but that's a truly evil place if your inlaws are condemned just because you are part of their family. You don't live with them, you aren't genetically linked to the inlaws, their family was formed before you entered their lives.

For people to treat them like they are tainted because their son married you is really depraved. I have a feeling that even if they hadn't mentioned you, the town's judgemental and unfairly punitive nature would still have surfaced.

OP responded:

It's the mindset some small towns have. They think if you welcome someone into the family or are associated in any way you're just as bad. Because I'm directly associated with my parents and my brother, I'm considered just like them.

My ILs being condemned was always going to happen. Maybe they would get some people less willing to if they also agreed I was awful and said they wish I wasn't their DIL (I doubt it though). But that was all it really took. They would still know about the nature of the place regardless. It just wouldn't be aimed at them.

Poetic_Intuition wrote:

NTA. "They told me I shouldn't be saying any I told you so's when my husband's siblings are negatively impacted." You can't accuse someone of not telling you something, then accuse them off saying "I told you so" when they remind you of all the conversations where you did, in fact, explicitly tell them that thing.

Understanding that you have a good relationship with then otherwise, may I suggest: "I know that the unfair treatment that you are experiencing makes this uncomfortable, but it's not fair to put that blame on me."

"I did my best to share some insight of how my experiences may negatively impact you. Unfortunately it seems that things have not changed for the better. I do hope that me continuing to keep my distance from that place helps to lessen your association and ease some of the tension with your neighbors."

OP responded:

Thank you. I will try this when this inevitably comes up again. I really don't want any bad blood between us. This isn't fair and I know it isn't right and I hate it for them.

ahedbaker wrote:

Sometimes, the truth can be uncomfortable, but it's important to stand by your actions when you acted out of concern. Just keep supporting your family as best as you can and focus on positive solutions moving forward.

OP responded:

I'm not sure there are any positive solutions for their problem. Moving would help. But that's no small thing and doesn't really help for the now.

Careless-Ability748 wrote:

NTA. You did all you could be warning them, what do they expect/ want you to do about the situation?

OP responded:

I feel like they expected me to show them proof or something. My best friend can confirm all the things I said which was clearly not enough. I wish I could have saved them from this and I tried. But I can't control them.