'AITA for telling my MIL she can't see her grandchild they're until at least 6-months-old?'
"AITA for telling my MIL she can't see her grandchild until at least 6 months old?"
My MIL treated me very poorly after I had our first daughter during the pandemic. I had severe PPD and PPA and eventually I had full blown post partum psychosis. There's alot of things she said & did but her crowning moment was when I was being taken away by ambulance in full blown psychosis and she later referred to this event as a "barrage of s--t."
When I asked her to "please not say things like that because they're hurtful & mean" her response was "you don't tell me how to talk." My husband and her have a strained relationship and it's been even more strained since this. She has never offered any apology and acts as if she was justified in her actions.
When I pointed out that we're all adults and we're all equal she said we weren't equal because "she's the parent." Anyways, I'm pregnant again with our second and I don't want her around at all post partum. She caused such distress the first time around, tried to pit my husband and I against each other, tried to get my parents involved.
She wasn't seeing her granddaughter as often as she wanted so she threw out toys she bought for her, sent back photos we sent of her, I could go on and on. I don't want to deal with it again and my husband REALLY doesn't want to deal with it again. We kept my current pregnancy private-ish until I was 6 months along.
During a discussion with my MIL last night she told us she would be staying in town around my due date to "help out." We tried to politely decline but she was not taking the hint so eventually we just told her flat out we didn't want her around until baby was a bit older (atleast 6 months old) because we don't want any extra stress.
She obviously reacted badly and is calling us toxic monsters (especially me) who are trying to deprive her of time with her grandchild (yet again, she said the same with the first one but reality was that i was really sick and couldn't be around a lot of people and also it was C-vid).
AITA for holding this boundary? Part of me thinks I'm being to brash. Another part thinks back to all the chaos she caused and I feel at peace with the decision. She's not a terrible person at all, she just handled the situation so poorly that I do not want to go through it again. Husband agrees. So, AITA?
The internet did not hold back one bit.
AnnaLaneyxx wrote:
NTA.
"This isn’t up for negotiation. We need time and space to adjust as a family, and we expect that boundary to be respected."
You’re absolutely right to set boundaries—especially after everything you went through. You don’t owe anyone access to your baby, especially someone who caused you so much pain. Good job standing your ground.
Your mental health and peace come first. You’re doing what’s best for your family, and that’s what matters most. If she can’t respect a simple boundary, that says more about her than you. You’re not toxic—you’re protective, and that’s what a good mom does.
OP responded:
God it's so hard though.
HoudiniIsDead wrote:
She's been mean to you a long time. "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." (Maya Angelou). NTA. Also, consider recording (if allowed in your state) some of your conversations with her, so they can be played if she tries to take you to court for that "grandparent" law that some states have where they are allowed to see their grandchildren. Her behavior will speak volumes.
OP responded:
Long story short, I'm in Canada and MIL is an anti-v*xxer. We spoke to a lawyer very early on and didn't get very far because lawyer said she would not stand a chance in a court room. Thank you for the tip though.
veganvampirebat wrote:
NTA.
Damn dude you are taking one HELL of a gamble though.
OP responded:
When we did not act or respond the way my in-laws wanted, they responded by literally selling their house and moving to another country. Two years later they moved back to our country but live a few provinces away. I know exactly what you mean though, however, they are not in any way our support system.
veganvampirebat responded:
No, not taking a gamble cutting them off, taking a gamble choosing to get pregnant with a history of PPP. In the USA we just had another story of a woman killing all of her children due to it. Your risk is through the roof and I hope your treatment team is on speed dial.
OP responded:
Oh yah I'm not particularly worried about that. I have fantastic care and a great support system in place. Rates of post partum psychosis went from 1 in 25 to 1 in 5 during the pandemic and the circumstances kind of created the perfect storm for it to happen.
Prize-Pop-1666 wrote:
Since you had PPD and PPA last time, be prepared for a social work consult to be entered when you’re in the hospital. It’s fairly routine, they’ll make sure you have resources set up and appointments to attend to ensure any symptoms are caught before they become a psychosis (hopefully).
You're NTA. Neither you or your husband want her presence. She may be “the parent” but she’s not your parent and not your children’s parent. She is not entitled to contact with your children, especially given her own comments. She can’t even maintain a good relationship with her own child.
OP responded:
Oh they started doing assessments on me for prenatal mental health at 6 weeks. I'm set up with all kinds of supports and i'm so grateful I live somewhere that has such good healthcare. I was failed the first time around. C-vid made it impossible for me to access the care I needed.
As the days go on and I get more and more care (my midwife just completed a course on PPP specifically because she's currently working with me) I feel more and more confident i'll be ok. Thanks so much for the advice and for weighing in 🩷
Aj_alva wrote:
NTA. Your husband is failing you here - he needs to take on the stress of holding boundaries with his mom. If this is how she behaves, I can see why the two have a strained relationship - however, I'm unsure what would make you think this time would be different?
OP responded:
Husband has surprisingly held the boundary, actually better than me. tI hurts me to see him not be close with his mom. They live far away from us and when they come into to town he often won't even tell me. Husband is completely on board with it. It's me who is on the fence.
Appalachian_daughter wrote:
NTA! My step-son has had two episodes of psychosis and it’s scary AF. Never would I attempt to interfere to make someone worse or put my needs / feelings ahead of them. Your MIL is toxic.
OP responded:
I was truly beside myself after the fact. Husband had called her but asked her to wait outside of our home. She was more upset over that piece than anything and that's what she reached out about afterwards. Sent me a message about "why she wasn't allowed in my house". Her behaviour has been and continues to be very bizarre.