'AITA for telling my mom I did not want her there when I got home from deployment?' UPDATED 4X

"AITA for telling my mom I did not want her there when I got home from deployment?"

I (21M) have been deployed for the past 10 months and I will be getting home in 1 week. My wife and I’s plan was for her to be the only one to know what date I was coming back, so that when I get leave we can go back and surprise all of our family and friends. My wife (21F) visited home a couple weeks ago for a family event, and while she was there she spent a day with my mom and 2 younger sister (HS age).

My mother is very pushy and hates surprises. So much so that me surprising her by coming home would make her mad at me. My wife and I knew we would eventually have to tell her because of this, but we’re waiting until the last minute because she would have told my sisters if she knew my date. Well, while my wife was there, my mom pushed and pushed.

Telling her that she wouldn’t speak to her, let the girls go places, and she had to know so she could take days off work. My wife gave her a week range of my leave (a couple weeks after I get back) so that she could request off. Well, my mom texted me today telling me that she would be here for the welcome home when our plane lands.

I asked if she cleared this with my wife, seeing as she apparently planned to stay with us in our 1 bedroom apartment, and she said no. I asked if the girls knew and were coming, and she said no. My mom has done a few things that presses between my wife and I, so I lost it on her. Told her I wouldn’t be giving her the date that I fly in, that if I wanted her there I would want my sisters there as well.

I stopped there until she started complaining that she was a single mom who raised me on her own, and that I should want to see her first. That’s when I told her I didn’t want her in my house at all when I first get home. I am a married, grown man now, I don’t need my mom, I want to see and spend time with my wife first and foremost.

She pressed further saying “I’ve been here for u since before u were born, she’s been here for 4 years.” Eventually trash talking my wife, saying she doesn’t even have a real job and doesn’t contribute. My wife is a nanny while she is in school, and she gets paid well, so she absolutely does contribute more than enough.

This is where I may be the AH. I told my mom that I was tired of her badgering, that I wanted to come home to my wife and be alone in our home with our pets. My wife and I would not want to host her, and we wanted the house to ourselves so that we can have s-x wherever and whenever we please because we haven’t seen each other in so long. My mom cried.

She’s sending me long paragraph texts every few hours about how she doesn’t know where her caring son went, about how I need to let my wife go because I use her for her body, about how all I care about is my own pleasure, and I have no care for my family at all. So Reddit, AITA? I haven’t responded to the messages my mother is sending, but if I get ideas from the possible comments, I might.

People had a lot to say in response.

nerd_is_a_verb wrote:

Good job finally standing up to her. Stop giving her info and stop talking to her. “Mom until you learn to act like an adult and stop trash talking my wife to me, I will not be communicating with you. I am very disappointed in you and how incredibly selfish and immature you are acting.” Don’t make your wife deal with this jerk.

OP responded:

I haven’t given her info. She told me she was coming for my plane to land and she didn’t even know when that date was. The only info she got was from my wife, and was quite literally worded as “he will likely have leave within these few weeks, but those weeks could change.”

notkadan wrote:

NTA.

Your mom is guilt-tripping you. You don't owe her anything. She had the choice to raise you, she wasn't forced to --- so for her to say.

"I’ve been here for u since before u were born, she’s been here for 4 years"

Is crazy to me.

She's an example of a manipulative parent. Here's a paragraph from a article about manipulative parents, and their signs: "Parents using emotional blackmail will often threaten to withdraw their love or approval if the child does not comply with their wishes."

"This can manifest as guilt-tripping the child, making them feel responsible for the parent’s happiness, or expressing extreme disappointment when the child does not meet their expectations."

OP responded:

That paragraph fits what she’s been doing to a tee. What confuses me is none of my mom’s behavior like this started until we got married. Before, when she was my gf, she always wanted her around, joked about trading me and my wife, invited her everywhere my family went, now it bothers her when we spend time together and she isn’t invited when she thinks she should/can be.

bkwormtricia wrote:

NTA. At least she stopped trying to get into your home when you got more specific on how you and your wife would be greeting each other!

OP responded:

Well, these paragraphs she’s sending aren’t what I would consider as stopping.

Feels more like guilt tripping.

MsLead wrote:

NTA - Many (30+) years ago I worked with a woman whose husband had been in the army. She told me about the “Hail and Farewell” ceremonies that were held with respect to deployments. When soldiers returned, ONLY THE WIVES were encouraged to attend the ceremony to greet their husbands, and make other arrangements for their children.

The point was that the husband/wife relationship should be re-established first. I’m not sure of the time frame - maybe 20 minutes, maybe more than an hour. I have no idea. After that, the soldier would be reunited with his kids, while his wife was present. This was the family being reunited.

No soldier’s mother, siblings, etc. were part of that ceremony. Your mom needs to stop this immediately. Enjoy your time together again. When you’re both ready for company, your mom can find a hotel.

OP responded:

Yeah, this welcome home thing is for soldiers families (spouses and kids.) There isn’t anything that directly says “no parents” or anything like that, but it is for the people who have been living with someone gone from their every day lives, rather than family that just gets visits otherwise.

HotCheeks_PCT wrote:

NTA.

There's a Facebook group your mom needs an invite to.

It's called 'The Boy Moms are Getting Weird and Inc-sty Again"

OP responded:

My wife’s a part of that group. Pretty sure she’s posted about these kinds of things a time or two :)

foacadoama wrote:

NTA. Your mom is a mess. I get her wanting to see you when you get back, but this is just too much. Obviously you are going to want to see your wife. Any mom with healthy boundaries would want you to be closer with your wife than with your mom.

OP responded:

She’s tried causing several problems. She’s made clear that she wasn’t ready for me to be an adult.

Abject_Donut5152 wrote:

OMG, you need to go either NC or very LC with your mom. JFC, wow, that's just...wow... been there...mom was the last thing I thought about when I got back from deployment. I mean God forbid you get stationed overseas. What will she do then f-ing move in? You need to nip that in the bud now.

OP responded:

I already don’t contact her much outside of for my sisters and neither does my wife. Our plan when my contact ends is to move to a base even farther from home, where we would have to fly for visits.

That would take our amount of visits down a lot because we travel with our pets, but they’re both large dogs and we don’t want to put them under a plane, and plane tickets on top of pet boarding is expensive. If people would want to see us, they would have to come to us. Oh and my mom refuses to get on a plane ;)

Two days later, OP shared an update.

A few people asked to stay updated, so here is the first one. Spoiler alert, it’s not necessarily a fun one. Unfortunately, because of another wife sharing our flight date all over Facebook, our return has been pushed back an entire month.

I called my wife to let her know, and we are both devastated. I only had enough time for one phone call, so I asked my wife to let family and friends know, including my mother. Yes, I know many people might not be happy about that, but again. She didn’t receive a date, my wife’s text to her was just that I would not be returning until a month later, or more.

My mother’s reaction to that news has truly solidified what many comments were telling me. I was raised by a narcissist.

Her text back to my wife was “Oh, that’s great! That is actually is much better timing for me!”

My wife’s response to my mother was: “Do not say that to (my name). He is devastated that he will be gone longer, and he has been talking about wanting to be home asap since just a few months in."

"I wish you wouldn’t have even said it to me, as I’m devastated by his return being delayed as well. It is extremely selfish for you to be glad he is away from home for even longer simply because it works better for you. I have never in my life heard of a mother being glad that her child will be overseas longer than what was planned.”

After that, she blocked my mom. Her shiny spine is really developing! I have not reached out to my mother, and I will not be doing so. I won’t block her, as with my sisters being minors, I would like for one of us, my wife or I, to have at least some line of communication in case of some family emergency.

However, I will not be texting or calling, and any of her texts or calls will not be answered unless I consider them an emergency. There were a few questions and deeper explanations from my original post, so I figured I would go into them deeper here. My father passed away when I was 6.

Ever since then, my mom has sort of relied on me when it came to raising my sisters. Even with them being high school aged, it continued. When I went into the military, my mom got upset, saying things at home would be just terrible with me gone, that she didn’t know how she would handle my sisters on her own, and that life would seem more pointless without her son in it every single day.

When my wife and I got married and moved to my first duty station, she begged to trade my sisters off, sending one of them to stay with us every few weeks, where they would stay in our living room. She even told us we would need to purchase a hide-a-bed couch for it to work out.

Obviously, that had never happened as I told her my sisters were my sisters, and her kids. It was not my responsibility to raise them. My mom and I were very close when I was growing up. I considered her one of my best friends, and someone I could always go to. That changed when I got married. I also realized that some of the things she did were not healthy or good parenting moments.

My mom started purchasing rubbers for me when I was only 12. She was very open about s-x with me, and was not one to shy away from it. She was completely fine with me having s-x at such a young age, which did lead me to being a bit of a man-wh-re. Before my wife, I constantly snuck girls in, snuck out to hang out with girls, and whatever else.

My wife was the first girl that I brought to my house during the day, introduced to my family, invited her for dinner. My wife was also very strict with her views on s-x when we started dating. We were friends before, so she knew I was a bit of a player. Where I viewed s-x as something fun, she viewed it as something that should only be between two people who truly love each other.

She was not down for it until a few months into us dating, and I was willing to wait for her. We still snuck around, but when she snuck me in, we quite literally played Mario cart, watched movies, and hung out all night. When this part of me changed, it changed something about my mom for some reason.

She did used to ask about girls I was sleeping with when I was in high school, but when she asked about my wife when we started dating, and I told her we weren’t doing anything like that, she got frustrated about me “lying.” She stopped buying me rubber, which I was fine with because I didn’t need them in the beginning and when I did, I was 18 and completely fine buying them myself.

Before my wife and I ever did have s-x, she would come in my room and scream about how she didn’t want me having s-x under her roof. I thought that she just realized that encouraging a minor to have s-x wasn’t ok. My mom also liked my wife when she was just my girlfriend. This always confused me until I read people’s comments.

Her going from loving her, inviting her to everything, asking where she was when she wasn’t with me, to trash talking her didn’t make sense to me until people in the comments of my last post clarified that it was the fact that she was my wife. Her being permanent is what my mother doesn’t like. And as far as “cock blocking” my mom has happily done that since we’ve been married.

She screeched and hid her face when I kissed my wife at our wedding, she begged us to sleep on a pallet in her living room on our wedding night (we didn’t), she tried calling 3 times a day when we first moved (once around the time I usually got off work, once either during or after dinner, and once at night.

Sometimes while my wife were mid tango, sometimes when we were already asleep.) it was very rare that I actually answered these calls, and when she realized her calls were muted they faded away.

She Facetimed seemingly once an hour on our 1st wedding anniversary, again, I didn’t answer. Her wanting us to host her when I first got back was not her being clueless. She knew what she was trying to do. Now that I have a new return date, my mother will not even know the possible weeks I might have leave.

She won’t need to, I do not plan on seeing her outside of maybe going out to eat with her, my wife, and the rest of my family. My wife will be organizing it, and will be able to ask my sisters about days my mother is off work. That’s all I have as far as an update right now. I may post more before returning just based on how things go. I can imagine I will have plenty of an update when I do actually return.

Commenters had a lot to say in response.

wildpeaches05 wrote:

You need to tell your mother, "YOU ARE NOT HER HUSBAND, YOU ARE NOT YOUR SISTERS FATHER." It was her choice to stay single. You would have been happy for her to find a man to make her happy after your father passed. To have a man to make her happy and be a father to your sisters, that man is not you. You have your own life, and you started your own family.

If she doesn't respect your wife and the family you're creating, then there will not be room for her. You love her, but she is creating this situation where enough is enough. Tell her that the guilt trips and manipulations will not work anymore. You're a grown adult with your own life that doesn't revolve around her. If she doesn't want to lose you forever, then this has to stop.

Another thing keep contact with your sisters and prepare once they turn of age to help them get the heck out of your mom's house and grasp. Instead of texts, do hidden email accounts because your mother probably goes through their phones. Good luck, get back home safe to your wife!

schmeepschmorp wrote:

My dad was in the military so I’ve been on the family side of extended deployments because of people talking about it on Facebook. That s-t sucks and I’m sorry that happened. It’s bad enough being family but I can’t imagine how it feels actually being the one deployed. I’m glad you’ve got your wife to support you, she sounds awesome. Hope you make it home safe man.

Somebodystolethecake wrote:

I hope you realize OP that your mother is guilty of emotional inc-st. She views you as a replacement husband after your father passed. Even if she doesn't actually realize that, that's what this is. She views you as "her man." That's why she's so offended you would rather be with your wife than with her.

frag-hag311 wrote:

NTA: Your Mother is all kinds of emotionally and mentally unwell. Her interest in your s-x life AS A CHILD is beyond concerning. It's weird how things seem normal when we're young and used to it but when we get older and gain outside perspective, it's like watching a horror movie from the front row. Good luck, mate. Stand firm against your Mom's craziness and firmly by your wife. She deserves your loyalty.

canyonemoon wrote:

I'm so, so sorry that your mother has never gotten therapy for her covert incest and that you have suffered from that. I'm really glad, though, that you have your wife and that you both are working towards strengthening your spines and not letting that woman control you anymore.

I'm sorry your return date got pushed back, for you and your wife, but I hope that when you do return, it'll be very peaceful, and I wish you both luck with the move you were talking about in your last post. That'll be very healthy for you.

jmc4297 wrote:

Absolutely bonkers of your mom. She needs serious help, cause it sounds like some kind of oedipus complex she has going on. Also, I'm not familiar with how things work in the military, so pardon my ignorance, but why does a wife posting about return dates cause a huge delay? I'm assuming it's a security issue. In which case, that person's wife is an idiot and I hope there was some consequences there.

A month later, OP shared another update.

Hello everyone! I am now officially home, and have been for the past week. I’ve stayed off social media, for the most part as I’ve been spending time with my wife and seeing friends who also just returned from a desperate deployment.

Being home with my family has been absolutely great! The morning I was meant to leave, my wife and I both agreed that we were going to block my mom until agreeing otherwise. That way, when communicating about flights, lay overs, and landing times, nothing would be interrupted when time was running out, and we could enjoy this time without another worry.

Unfortunately, storms delayed our landing and our welcome home ceremony was pushed all the way back to 11pm. However, that didn’t ruin the night, my wife got to the ceremony, looked beautiful, helped me grab most of my things, and we went home.

We were able to enjoy our night, she had several cute decorations, welcome home banners, gifts, and she even made a steak and potatoes dinner which we ate at midnight. So far, our time together has been amazing. And last night, my wife and I talked, and we decided that I would unblock my mom for now, but continue with not communicating outside of emergencies.

Now, here is the update on details with my mother. Some of this stuff happened before my return, and some just now. I thought it would be better to just lump them together for those who are only here for the drama read. When I found out the exact day I would return home, I called my wife and let her know.

She asked me if I had let anyone in my family know anything, or if I was keeping it to myself. As far as the date of me being back in our hometown, I decided to no longer keep it a surprise. I will be home for a while before actually returning there, and my wife and I don’t want to try to hide the fact that I’m there or pretend I’m still gone or anything.

So, I said to my wife that I was going to talk to my family and let them know. However, my plan wasn’t to let my family know what day I landed, I told them that I would be home on the date that I got leave to go see people. The day I was getting home, my wife posted a picture on her private story around noon.

It showed the welcome home banner, and our two dogs sitting in front of it, and the caption said “We’re so ready!” My sisters are on this private story, but she didn’t think to take them off because she thought that I told them I would be flying in on that day. Thats my bad, as I didn’t specify and just told my wife I let them know when I would be home.

So, while my mom was at work, my sisters FaceTimed my wife and asked about it.

My wife explained that and they explained that I told them a different date, to which she said “oh, he must’ve been talking about the date he gets to come see everyone there.”

They all laughed it off, and then moved on and talked about different stuff for another hour, until my sisters told her my mom was home and that they were going to go. 30 minutes later, my wife got another call from my sister, but when she answered it, it was my mom.

My mom said “wait, is he getting home today?” And my wife said yes. My mom snapped back with “well that would’ve been nice to know.” And my wife, trying to keep the peace, told her “I’m sorry, he told me that he already talked to you guys about it, but when he did he was talking about when we would be able to travel back and see everyone.”

My mom told her “well, for some reason he doesn’t understand that we can go places too and we could travel too.” To which my wife said “If you guys would like to come here before he gets leave to see him, that is something I would be all for if you want to talk to him about it.

The best time to do that would be in two weeks, when he has a four day weekend. Other than that, I’m not sure what days he has off.” My mom said “I don’t care about what days he has off. We could’ve been there to see him fly in or even just see him after work.” My wife replied “Well, I know that or the first week at least, they have told people it’s not a good idea to invite guests.

They try to keep reintegration between home families at first. I know when my cousin came back from deployment, they weren’t even letting outside family on base for the welcome home ceremony.” After that call, my wife texted the conversation to me a I finally decided to open my mom’s texts.

Just to take a peak. It was nonsense about how they should be here, I took this opportunity away from them, blah blah blah. I gave a response finally. I told her, “I gave you the dates for when I would see you. I gave you the date for when I would be back in our home town, and that is the date I would like to see people.

If I wanted you to be at my welcome home ceremony, and if I wanted you to visit in the time between when I land and when I get leave, I would have invited you.” After that text, I blocked my mom and that is when my wife and I agreed to both have he blocked. Today, when I unblocked her, my plan was to speak with her about planning a dinner when we get back.

That way, I could be with the entire family at once. I would up vetoing that conversation when I opened texts from every single day, about how I stripped her golden moment of getting to be the one welcoming her son back. So, these dinner plans will be discussed with my sisters, grandparents, and won’t be involving my mother.

The internet jumped on with their responses.

Signal_historian_456 wrote:

Good that you’re back! Welcome home! Your mom seemingly didn’t get the notice that you’re not his 5 year old baby boy anymore and have your own life now where she doesn’t play the first fiddle or is your favourite and No1 woman. I‘m all here for the follow ups on your mom, already getting my popcorn ready!🤣

originalhoney wrote:

I'm glad that you and your wife are on the same page about how to deal with your mother. When I was in the military, mine made being a "Military Mom" her entire personality, despite knowing nothing about my job and forgetting what branch I was in.

She used me as an emotional support human for most of my life, and it wasn't until I had my own children that I realized how messed up she and our relationship was. It's good that you've realized this and already started pulling away. Obligation due to "but faaaamily!!" Really messed me up for a while and made me do/put up with crap that I was uncomfortable with.

I wish I had the guts to block her back then. I hope you enjoy every second of leave! Coming back to the real world is a difficult transition. I don't know if this is your first deployment, but getting over the fact that your relationships back home were paused for you but kept going for everyone else is a weird concept to come to terms with. Best of luck!

A month later, OP shared yet another update.

My first post outside of the many mom updates from a previous one, and of course it’s here. I got home from deployment about a month ago. My leave just now started, and while we waited for my leave, we came to a decision that we likely wouldn’t be seeing my mother as much while we were visiting home because of things she pulled during the process of me getting home.

We drove through the night. Often times we choose to do so because it’s a 13 hour drive, and driving through the night means our two dogs will sleep and we don’t have to make as many stops. We pulled into my in laws house around 6 am. They live on a farm with other large dogs, so we fed our dogs, let them out to play for the morning, and went inside to get a little sleep before the rest of the day.

When we woke up around 11, my wife’s family had a few small things planned for us to do, then we planned to see friends. Mind you, my leave is 3 weeks long, so we have plenty of time to see everyone and do everything.

While we were getting ready to leave, I got a call from my mother. I decided to answer it, despite low contact, because I figured it would be her asking when we would see my family. Instead, it was her telling me she was s#$cidal.

After everything, I do still love my mother. I do still care, but I don’t want to let her manipulate me. I panicked, but I didn’t want to make a big deal, so I gave her my best advice and went back into the spare room with my wife. I talked to my wife about the call, and she asked if we needed to go ahead and go there instead.

I told my wife no, and that it was ok and we would see them the following day for my grandma’s birthday. Then I got three more calls from my sisters and grandma, asking if I had spoken to my mom yet. My wife suggested I call one of them back, or call my mom, and just make sure someone is home with her. And if they weren’t, then we could stop by and make sure everything is ok.

I called my mom and asked if she was ok. I got an answer as if nothing was ever wrong. I asked if we needed to come there or if she was with people. She said everyone was home with her, and that we “didn’t have to come there if we didn’t want to. Especially because we are busy seeing everyone else first.”

I was confused and she told me she was completely ok. I lost it. I shouted at her for telling me she would hurt herself and then telling me everything was completely fine. I asked what made her feel that way, and she told me it was because “everyone is more important” than her.

I didn’t know what to say. I just hung up. We left and did all of our plans with everyone else. We are now taking my grandma out to lunch today, so that my wife and I can see her for her birthday. But we decided it was best we didn’t hang with my mom if she was going to pull this stuff as soon as we woke up after getting here.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

EmilyAnne1170 wrote:

Seconding the “wellness check” advice. Except- whether you tell mom you’re going to call them or not, just call them. A few years ago my mom played that game with her therapist, and won a 72-hour trip to the psych ward at her local hospital. She hasn’t said it since. If she’s serious, you could save a life. If she’s not serious, she will learn not to play that particular mind game with you.

recent-necessary-362 wrote:

Call her out on her behavior. Next time she does this, immediately call authorities. If she’s so s#$cidal, she needs help. Let her know that because you are so concerned for her mental state that you believe if she makes that statement again you have no other option than to contact the authorities.

The manipulation will either stop or she’ll explode and start deflecting to something else. Either way it’s time to go lower contact with her.

Ikogut wrote:

I’m sorry this happened to you. Last couple times my mom tried that to get me to visit I told her I was calling the police for a wellness check. She stopped quick. Maybe try that one time?

beek_r wrote:

You drive all this way to see family, and then she tries to ruin your vacation by being a drama queen? You're there to relax and enjoy being away from the military for awhile, and this is the last thing you should be dealing with.

Seven months later, OP shared another update.

I (22M) have a very very strained relationship with my mother. Almost a year ago, I made a few posts about her, and the whole realization of things unraveled right on Reddit if anyone’s interested in reading those. But the long story short is enmeshment.

About a year ago, I decided to go no contact with my mother because of a stunt she pulled. Between then and now, my mother has tried to contact us through social media, by using my grandma’s phone, and my younger sisters phones, but when we find out it is her (if we don’t know right off the bat) we simply stop the conversation there.

After a while, things were peaceful. Last month, I found out I will need surgery on my knee. Nothing serious, just a quick repair from an injury. My mother found this out because I told my grandma, and she pressured her into talking about it.

My surgery date is coming up at the beginning of May, and I will have a bit of time off before then to visit family and friends because I will not be able to travel during my recovery.

My wife and I talked about it, and we decided that things have been peaceful long enough that it may be worth trying again with my mother. So, we unblocked her, and I let her know that at the end of April, we would be there to visit for a week.

I let her know this 2 weeks ago, and things have been smooth sailing since then, until today. My mother asked if she could call me to talk about my upcoming visit the yesterday. I told her that would be fine, and the first thing she asked about was if I would be staying at her house for the week that we’re there.

I told her that we could probably stay for a night or 2, but that we would again be traveling with our dogs, and she doesn’t have the space to accommodate them for an entire week, and I also said that my wife and I didn’t want to cram together on a small couch to sleep for the week. So, she asked if my wife could stay at MIL’s house with the dogs, and I could stay at her’s.

I told her that I would be staying with my wife, and reiterated that we would be willing to stay at her’s house for a night or 2. Eventually, she said fine, and the call was over. She started texting me more, and I told her that I would prefer our contact remain low right now, considering we are coming off of no contact. She agreed and didn’t message me for the rest of the day.

This morning, while I was at work, she called me. I had a bit of free time, so I answered and let her know I wouldn’t be able to talk for long. She proposed to me that she come stay at our place the week of my surgery to help take care of me. I told her that I appreciated the offer, but that my wife would have it covered.

I reminded her that we have 1 bedroom, and that I would prefer to be left alone as much as possible while I recover. I had to go, so nothing more was said, but when I got off work, I saw that I had 17 unread text messages. 16 from my mother and 1 from my wife. To preface, the message from my wife said “oh lord, she’s on one.”

The messages to me started with her talking about how she’s more than happy to stay on the couch, or even book a hotel for the week, and come to our apartment before I woke up and after I went to sleep. At that point she began messaging these plans to my wife, but told my wife that I had already agreed to those plans. My wife simply responded “I haven’t heard from him, so I’ll talk to him when he’s home.”

She then went back to messaging me, and told me that my wife said she would prefer my mother’s help in taking care of me. Then she texted my wife that I said I preferred she took care of me. The messages to me then changed to saying that my wife actually wanted to go home during this time to visit friends, so her coming to take care of me while my wife already planned to be gone would work perfectly.

And her messages to my wife said that I wanted only my mother to take care of me, and that I thought my wife should have fun and see friends back home. My wife responded with “I don’t think that’s true.” And then she reblocked my mother.

I told my mother that I wasn’t going to offer another chance. That she was already blocked on my wife’s phone and that if she messaged me about this again that she would be blocked on mine again as well, and that when I visit home, she is not someone I will be seeing. I only got around to sending that message an hour ago, after dealing with heavy storms, so I guess we will see what comes of it.

And trust me, I know that the right answer might be to not give another chance and block her now. But I’m truly interested in seeing if my mother has started to understand things a bit better. I’m trying to give her the benefit of the doubt by thinking that after being blocked for so long, she’s just overly excited, and maybe that’s silly of me. But I guess we will see what tomorrow brings.

The internet was glad to hear another update.

No-Regret-1784 wrote:

I see you plan to draw a line about excessive texting. That’s awesome. But what about the manipulation and outright LIES? Are you going to address those behaviors?

Man, the second my mom starts that triangulation BS, we are done. I will not be lied to. And also, how dumb does she think you are? That you’d just believe her when she said your wife would be traveling??? Super nuts. I wish you luck! And honestly, I’d love an update!

OP responded:

I do plan to address it. I’ll probably message or call her about it today. Right now, I have her notifications on mute and can’t see if she’s texted or called me unless I actually open her messages, which I won’t be doing until after work. Not sure what she expected to get out of the lying, or where her head was at. Did she expect my wife and I not to discuss it when I was home?

ikogut wrote:

This sounds exactly like my mother. She does the story twisting with me, my brother and his wife and even their two boys. It’s exhausting and I’m glad that you are keeping your boundaries strong.

Popular-jaguar-3803 wrote:

Oh Lord, your mom is psycho. I believe it to be your mom who posted yesterday in in-laws, about how you were overheard about saying that she will never live with you to your wife and how upset she was. Or how she made a comment how her bread is better than your wife’s. Believe me, people put her in her place. Something is wrong with her and she is going to not stop.

Spinnerofyarn wrote:

Oof. I am so sorry. My sister and I sometimes got tormented in different ways by our mother. Ours pulled almost the exact same crap when my sister was going to have surgery. I’m so sorry. My take on things is that it’s natural to hope a parent can do better. Wanting to give them another chance isn’t unusual.

It’s when we keep giving them opportunities to come back in our lives that we become part of the problem in terms of how we’re treating ourselves. In therapy, I learned that part of the process in learning to cope with it all is our understanding that when we cut someone off, we can go through grief.

The thing is, we are grieving the parent we wish we had, not the one we have. We sometimes see the potential in the person for being a good parent and it’s hard to reconcile that they can’t or won’t be that person. My heart goes out to you. Kudos to your wife. It sounds like she dealt with this like a champ.