'AITA for telling my mom I’ll never forgive her if she ruins my adoption?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my mom I’ll never forgive her if she ruins my adoption?"
I’ve (14f) been living with my aunt (my mom’s sister) since I was 8. It was originally because of an issue with her ex boyfriend and CPS placed me with my aunt then she used to say she couldn’t handle 4 kids as a single mom. So I had to stay with my aunt. Then we just didn’t talk for a few years.
My aunt has been trying to adopt me for years. We’re finally able to try to get my mom’s parental rights terminated because she didn’t speak to any of us or send money or anything for 4 years. I really like living with my aunt.
On Tuesdays, we go out to eat. She says we take turns choosing the restaurant but I get to choose almost every week. On Fridays we order pizza and watch a movie and eat ice cream in our pajamas on the couch.
When I started middle school she started taking me to get my nails done with her so now we do that every other Saturday and at least once a month (sometimes more during summers or school breaks) we get to visit her condo in the mountains.
There’s a little beach and the past couple years she’s been letting me hang out with my friends or alone by the beach or downtown or at the pool or wherever as long as I keep my location on my phone and I’m home by the time it gets dark.
After my mom got notice that her rights were going to be terminated she got in contact with my aunt and started emailing my old email address saying she misses me and she wants to see me. She’s sent me pictures of her new family and she’s sending my aunt money so she can say she’s a part of my life and she’s taking care of me.
My aunt told me not to contact my mom yet and to let her take care of everything. I listened for a while then my mom sent me a picture of a bed at her house with a bunch of shopping bags on it and she said that’s my bed and she has presents for me and she can’t wait for me to come home.
I emailed her back and told her that I don’t want to live with her. I haven’t seen her or talked to her for 4 years and I don’t even know who half the people in the pictures she sent me are. I also said that I really love living here and that if she messes up my adoption I’ll never forgive her and I’ll never speak to her after I turn 18.
My mom called my aunt crying about what I said and my aunt got mad at me because she told me not to contact my mom. Now I’m wondering if I was the AH for contacting my mom when I wasn’t supposed to and being rude to her.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
YTA for not following instructions, but you’re literally 14 so what else is new? There is a reason your aunt told you not to speak to her; so if you trust your aunt so much you want to live with her than you need to trust the other directives she gives you, because they have your best interest at heart. That’s literally the downside of having a good parent, kid.
However, all of your feelings are entirely valid. You are completely entitled to feel exactly the way you do surrounding your mother.
I would recommend keeping a journal that can maybe be given to your mother after this is all over we’re in you share the feelings you’re having there instead of with her. I truly hope this works out for you! Pizza and movie Fridays sounds awesome!
siblingbond OP responded:
Yeah I really like Fridays. She had to work late today tho so we had to skip the pizza and movie and ice cream
Breakfast ice cream and reality tv? Always a good substitute!
Again, I don’t think you’re wrong. You’re hurt, you’re allowed to be hurt, and you’re within your rights to say something. Just consider that a better time to express those feelings is when you’re securely with your aunt.
Poor kiddo. It was a panic reaction.
As difficult as it might be, please keep your emotions in check and do what your aunt tells you as far as your mom is concerned. Your aunt has to follow the law & the advice of her attorney, so don't make their job harder and don't complicate it. You will have your chance to tell your mom how much she hurt you, later, preferably after the adoption goes thru. But for now, let your wonderful aunt do her job.
I think your aunt is concerned that if you start emailing your mom, she won't be able to say to the courts that your mom has gone 4 years without communicating with you - so this maybe could hurt your adoption process. Best to talk to your aunt to understand better. NTA, good luck.
I’m not going to call a 14-year-old who is being manipulated by her birth mother an AH. NTA, sweetie. But going forward, definitely listen to your aunt. She has your best interests at heart, and now there is a paper trail establishing that your birth mother has been in contact.
You’re allowed to react emotionally, it’s very, very human and understandable. If you get the urge to send another message, please go immediately to your aunt. She will listen and help, I promise.
YTA because you may have made your adoption process harder by responding to your mom. I understand why you did it, but it wasn't the right time to talk to her. There is something called "parental alienation" which means your mom can now claim that your aunt has turned you against her.
If the court believes her then it might be more likely to decide you have to move back in with your mom. Listen to your aunt from now on and do what she says, because she is probably following instructions from a lawyer.
A gentle YTA, I’m sorry you’re going through this situation. You’re only 14 years old, it’s understandable that you reacted that way but yes, you may have made it difficult for your aunt in the process. I hope it all works out, it sounds like you and your aunt are a great pair.
Later OP posted this update:
This is a pretty short update but my mom tried to go to my school but she went to the wrong one because my school has almost the same name as another really close school. Like think St Andrew’s catholic school on main and 2nd vs St Andrew’s Christian school on main and 5th.
That school went on lockdown because she got really frustrated when they said I don’t go there (she tried to say they’re just trying to keep me from her). They contacted my school about the issue because again, same name right next to each other, crazy person going for someone that might be a student there so my school kinda went into a soft lockdown.
Curtains were drawn, doors were closed, gates were locked, and nobody was allowed to leave our rooms. They called my aunt and my aunt picked me up early and now we’re staying at her condo because it’s in a gated community and the only way to get through the gate is if your name is on the list and you show the people at the gate your id.
She’s also talking about selling our house and moving to a new neighborhood (also probably gated) but she’s framing it as moving closer to my new school (I got accepted to my aunts first choice school for me for next year but it’s almost a half hour away without traffic).
That’s pretty much it. Nothing got fixed. Now I have to live 3 hours away from most of my friends and we might move. At least I got into a good high school tho.