'AITA for telling my mom why none of her 5 boys have given her grandkids?'
"AITA for telling my mom why none of her 5 boys have given her grandkids?"
I’m the youngest of 5 boys. When I was 13, my mom and biological dad split. My oldest brother went to stay with my aunt. The rest of us went to stay with my grandma while our parents “tried to find happiness”. Dad completely fell of the face of the earth after about 4ish years. I think he talks to my oldest brother every so often. My mom got her own place a few miles away from my grandma.
She visited often and even spent the night every now and then. So the twins only stayed for like a year then went and joined the Navy. The brother between the twins and I stayed for two years then met a girl went to college and they got married. Then there was me. 13-18 I lived with my grandma and was almost completely alone for two years out in the middle of nowhere.
I love my grandma but there was only so much a 80 year old woman and a teenage boy could talk about. I felt abandoned. Fast forward I finished high school went to college. Did the whole shabang. We’re all adults now doing our thing. Well my mom is always like why won’t any of you give me grand children.
First of all I’m gay 😂 but she even asks me if I’ll find a nice man settle down and adopt. But my other brothers are straight. None of them have or want kids. So the conversation got intense and she was being very dramatic. So I said it. I said what was on everyone’s mind.
“Mom I think none of us want kids because of how you and dad left us with grandma because you both DESERVE to be happy. I’m glad you found your happiness but I would never do such a thing to a child especially if I had the means to take care of them."
I continued: "It scares me that I could possibly wake up one day and think differently. That I could wake up tell my kids to pack their s-t I’m taking you to grandmas where you’re going to live from now on even though your father and I are perfectly capable of taking care of you.”
She cried...a lot. But I couldn’t take the where are my grand kids conversation any more. I could not listen to her bring that up one more time. I did feel terrible and we haven’t talked in like two weeks. I’m not sure what to think.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Buttered-Crumpet09 wrote:
NTA. The truth hurts most when we know we're wrong. There has to be a part of your mum who knows what she did was wrong, and I wouldn't be shocked if she saw grandchildren as her chance at a do-over "I wasn't there for my kids, but I can make up for it by being there for my grandkids"), hence her pestering.
Instead, she's now being told that her choices have consequences and she won't get her do-over because of what she did; she didn't want to parent, so now she won't get to grandparent.
I'd cry too if I'd been such a poor parent, be it due to negligence, ab-se, or, as in your mum's case, my absence and refusal to be a parent, caused my kids to be scared to or put off of having children of their own because they're worried that they would repeat my mistakes.
There is no delicate way to put that because a truth like that will always hurt; who wants to be confronted with the harm they've caused and the damage they've done? You are not wrong for telling her, not least because the only way to stop her pestering and questioning is to tell her why, and you put it as diplomatically as possible.
I_wanna_be_anemone wrote:
NTA she was warned to back off countless times by five separate people. Hard to believe she’s been that oblivious to the consequences of her actions all this time.
Ok_Homework_7621 wrote:
NTA. She's avoiding you until she can convince herself it didn't happen and she was the mother she imagined herself to be. She might not ask about grandkids for a while, but will likely start again at some point, maybe less directly.
JanetInSpain wrote:
No adult child owes their parents a grandchild. It doesn't even matter what all of your reasons are for not having kids. It's YOUR choice. She doesn't get a say in it.
joeydbls wrote:
Listen, I had a similar issue. My parents raised me and my brother in abject p*verty and also neglected both of us in brutal fashion . I always wondered why she ever bothered to have kids , she said we were both planned . In any case, I vowed I would never bring children into our extremely dis functional family setting.
My brother and father pass of an OD on the same day . Before my mother passed away from C0V*D in 2019, I had to tell her the family name was dying with me because I had a vasectomy and would never procreate . She was extremely upset, but the truth hurts sometimes.
notlikeyou71 wrote:
NTA. Sorry to be unsympathetic to your Mom but here goes. Oh no consequences! She was perfectly capable of taking care of her kids but chose to be selfish and choose to" find her own happiness" Where was your happiness? You were kids! You deserved your happiness. What kind of childhood did you have without your mom and dad? Due to her selfish decisions all of her kids suffered.
You didn't have a real healthy family relationship growing up.Therefore, NONE of her kids want to have children of their own . She wasn't even even a real mom to you kids. Her getting Grandkids is a privilege. She doesn't deserve the privilege of being a Grandma.
Truthfully she needed to hear that what she did was wrong and the impact that it had on all of you. She needed to cry about it because she needed to face that she did cause a lot of pain to all you kids. It can't be swept under the rug. It has to be addressed. It was important. She was selfish and neglected you kids to live her own life.
You can't move past it if it isn't addressed. She will NEVER have grandchildren because of her decision! It's sad but it is a fact. All the crying in the world isn't going to change what she did. She has to face her behavior and make amends with ALL of her kids. She did A LOT of damage to ALL of her children by dumping them off to " find happiness.".