'AITA for telling my mother I won’t buy her a house with my legal settlement money?'

"AITAH for telling my mother I won’t buy her a house with my legal settlement money?"

I told my mother today that no, I won’t buy her a house if I am successful at winning my legal case for an injury that has left me chronically ill, disabled, and unable to work for years.

For some context, my mother had never been a great parental figure. This forum's censorship won’t allow me to say what we endured as children…but just think of every type of the WORST things that can happen in childhood and you’ll have a good idea. She was also completely unable to show any sort of love or attention.

I had a baby very young (16) without help. I tried to live at home after my daughter was born, whilst still continuing with school, but as a single 16-year-old mother, the only “guidance” I got from my mum was her pounding on the bedroom wall and screaming “shut that f---in baby up” anytime my daughter cried.

I quickly moved interstate and start my own life. I was determined to be a good mum and provide for my daughter. I got a job in a legal office and over the years worked my way up until I was earning in the 6 figures. As a single working mum of two, I never received any support from my mother or family.

Nobody ever babysat my children or helped out financially if I was in a bind. I always have done everything completely on my own. I know never to even bother asking my mother for anything as the answer has always been no. I went through about 7 years of no contact with my mother before letting her back in but with strict boundaries.

Going on 3 years ago I got severely ill due to an injury. I’ve been hospitalised countless times, every area of my life has been impacted. I’m in a wheelchair when I leave the house, can’t work, have no social life, am mostly bed-bound and in chronic pain. This is very likely permanent.

We have started the legal process and just this morning I sent my mother a post showing that the law firm we are engaging just secured a large settlement for someone who is injured in the same way. We have no idea if this person is terminal or paralysed or how severe they are to have achieved this payout.

Nevertheless, it filled me with the hope that maybe we could be successful and perhaps in the future I won’t have to stress constantly about not being able to afford all of my never-ending medical fees. Imagine a life where I can have support carers helping me with daily tasks to take some of the load off my husband.

Where I could afford a new and better wheelchair, where I can opt-in to promising, but very expensive treatment. Mum immediately called me and the first words out of her mouth were “Well you’re going to buy me a house, aren’t you?”… keep in mind we don’t even own a home yet and are in a lot of debt for medical costs. I just replied with “no…I’m not”.

Truthfully I was in shock at the audacity of this. Instead of thinking about how this could help me after all I’ve been through, her first thought was how it could help her.

I told her I had to go as I could tell she was upset…so…AITAH?

The internet was quick to share their thoughts and advice.

NTA, but you need to put your mom on an information diet pronto. Don’t tell her anything important, especially as it relates to your case, settlement, finances etc. She is selfish and obviously is less concerned about your welfare than what she can get out of you.

So sorry that this is happening to you. Hope you are able to secure a significant settlement that will greatly impact your quality of life. Hang in there! Sending you an internet hug ?

OP responded:

Thank you, you’re so right! I honestly don’t usually tell her much already for this reason and it’s was just a big lapse in judgment today on my part ?

Thank you for the kind words.

laughingsbetter wrote:

Your settlement is to make up for the money you won't be able to make and to help pay for your accommodations and treatments. Pleased do not share any information on the lawsuit with your mother. Finances should not be shared with outsiders. I am so sorry this accident happened and that your mother showed her true colors when you let her back in, that must be so disappointing. NTA.

OP responded:

Thank you, yes you’re right. I guess best it happened now before anything really has started so I’ll be sure to not tell her anything at all about it going forward.

GrapefruitSobe wrote:

NTA, but sharing any of this financial info with your mom is pure self-sabotage.

OP responded:

I totally agree but again we’ve only just spoken to a lawyer. The claim hasn’t even started yet and could be years long process. There is no guarantee it will even be successful.

Starry-Dust4444 wrote:

NTA. That settlement money is to fund your future medical expenses & subsidize your income due to inability to work full time. You have a long life ahead of you & that money needs to be saved. Please speak to a financial advisor about how best to invest & save that money. Mom is on her own.

OP responded:

Thank you, if we are successful we will definitely do that. That's a long ways off and I’m trying not to get my hopes up, but it would make things easier for sure.

lemonlimeandginger wrote:

NTA but you should have not have send her that. You know what she’s like and she will never change. You need to go no contact immediately. If you do ever receive a payout, she will hound you for it. Cut her out of your life permanently.

OP responded:

If she were to bring this up again, then yes I would go no contact.

I don’t think her saying this as a knee jerk reaction (no matter how selfish and stupid it was to say) warrants me removing her from my life all together. I just won’t be telling her any more about it.

Potential_Beat6619 wrote:

AH - For sharing anything with your mother. Why even let her in your life with boundaries. She's a nasty vile person and will never change. Why even let her around your kids, you are supposed to protect them and your not.

OP responded:

Neither of my children see my mother, she’s never had any interest in being in their lives. Maybe once every few years at Christmas when I’m there, if that. I’ve come to accept that my mum almost certainly has undiagnosed autism, adhd and ocd, likely amongst other things.

It’s not an excuse and she’s never tried to seek help but she lives in a perpetual state of overwhelm which contributed massively to her being a bad parent. I don’t see the benefit now in holding on to resentment and anger for the past but it is my responsibility to keep boundaries and enforce them now and in the future.