'AITA for telling my mother if she brings up my hair again, I will go NC with her.' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my mother if she brings up my hair again, I will go NC with her."

Quick background: I (42f) was on chemo about two years ago and most of my hair fell out. My hair is growing back, but it's patchy, so I tend to wear wigs when out in public. I've been keeping my hair very short until it completely fills in, which my doctor says may or may not happen.

My mom (76f) started making these comments about six months after all of my hair fell out that I looked like a boy and last she checked she gave birth to a girl. At first, I ignored it, but then she started making the comment at just about every family and church function to the point other people even started to comment that she's being mean and downright rude.

I did let it go a lot, even defending her to family that she's coping with me being on chemo and all that entails, and this is just how she's doing it. A couple nights ago, my mom came over to visit. I didn't have the wig on because I don't wear it when I'm home.

My son (8m) made a comment to my mom about the green wig my husband (44m) bought me and how he thought it was so cool I could just change my hair color overnight. My mom looked right at me and said, "You look like a boy, I remember giving birth to a girl." My son just stared at my mom. I don't know if she's ever made the comment in front of him before.

I was frustrated and fed up with other things that happened that day and just snapped. I told my mom she needed to leave. My mom got really upset and started insisting that it's just harmless teasing. My son said something about his mom not being a boy and Nana being rude, but I don't remember all of it. I just asked her to leave again.

She did pick up her things, but she kept defending herself, calling me childish and saying that the chemo has made me too sensitive about my hair. I snapped at her that if she brought up my hair one more time, I would go completely no contact with her and she would not be allowed to see my son.

My son told my husband about it when he got home, but my husband already knew about it. My mom had sent him a bunch of texts claiming I was rude to her, my son was rude to her, I was being petty and childish, I don't love her, and it was all just harmless teasing. My husband told her she owed me an apology and she's not allowed over again until she gives me one.

I guess where I'm doubting myself a little is that she called my brother about it and he's defending her saying she didn't handle me being on chemo well and she thought I was going to d!3. She did help a lot with my son when I was too tired to function much less care for a young child and my husband had to work because of the bills. It's not been an easy few years, that's for sure.

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

Edit: Yikes, I did not expect this to blow up. I will clarify a few things that people have asked. The first is that, as far as we know, my mom does not have any sort of cognitive decline like dementia. My brother did actually insist she see a doctor about a year ago and be given a memory and cognition test, and the doctor told my brother everything was fine.

So, unless something major happened in the past few months (not out of the realm of possibility, although unlikely), this is just how she is. The second is that she has always hyper focused on things about me that I found hurtful.

I didn't get married young enough, I was too old when I had my son, I don't have enough children, I should have focused on my career instead of school, and so much more. I actually did go several months where I didn't talk to her in my 20's and only reached back out after my dad got sick (he has since passed). The last is that I have been seeing the comments about my husband and son, and I agree.

They are two of the most wonderful people in the entire world. My husband has put his foot down that Mom is not allowed back to the house until she has formally apologized to my son and myself, willingly becoming "the bad guy." My son was pretty upset about her comment and says he doesn't remember her saying it before.

He was more offended that she called me a boy than anything about my hair. I've heard him brag to his friends about how I can change my hair in five minutes and he thinks it's cool. That was one of the ways my husband and I tried to cushion my cancer to him. We had to tell him I was sick, but we tried to make it a little better with "Mom can change her hair anytime she wants to, now."

We never let him know how bad it was or that there was any chance I might not survive. Thank you all so much for the support. I've been really beating myself up about this because it feels so silly. It's just dumb, really. I don't want my son to exposed to Mom's behavior, though, because while I don't deserve it, he definitely doesn't deserve it.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Uruzdottir wrote:

NTA. Making fun of a cancer survivor for having lost their hair? What is this I don't even.

Was she always a clueless b---, or is she starting to suffer from dementia? Wtf.

DuckPenny123 wrote:

Does your mom have any symptoms of dementia? At her age, losing her filter might be an early sign. If she’s just always been kind of rude, then put her in her place. If it’s a new thing, maybe think about having her checked out because even transphobes are polite to cancer survivors.

Pamelajake wrote:

I think it was a crucial lesson for your son. For her to say it in front of him was terrible, but your reaction just taught him to stand up for himself. Well done!

Sweet-Interview5620 wrote:

NTA tell your brother he has a hell of a cheek that last you checked it was you that had cancer and not her. That her deliberate trying to belittle and hurt you when you already have more than enough to deal with.

Her struggling with your illness by making it worse for you is not excusable and is a fake reason. That for two years she done this every single time she saw you and not only that but she didn’t give a toss she hurt your son by doing it in front of him. So him trying to blame you that she’s an awful person and gets enjoyment b-llying others well that her own issue and more about who she is.

That you had every right to call her out months ago and in fact should have done it the first time instead of trying to pretend to yourself she didn’t mean it. She clearly does. As let’s get this straight why would you threatening her to cut her out your life if she did it again bother her if she wasn’t intending to continue doing so?

If she gave the slightest damn she would have stopped the very first time she knew it upset you. Instead she took delight in doubling down every time she has seen you since then. So don’t he dare try and say your over reacting or she doesn’t mean it. Don’t try and pretend your illness affected her more than you or gave her any right to be a awful person as that’s crap.

That you expect a full apology from him and her otherwise you will keep your word and cut her out as you’ve had two years too much of her ab*se. That if he doesn’t want this to affect your relationship with him then he owes you an apology for making excuses were there are none and trying to say your in the wrong and not to women who has been treating you and your child like crap.

IndependentSeaSay498 responded:

A gentle reminder - let’s not blame OP for not shutting her mother down immediately. Of course we all wish that we would be able to react this way immediately but I’m sure OP was still struggling with health problems and trying to readjust to living a ‘normal’ life. My argument is with the people who heard her mother say this over and over again and never said a word to her mother.