'AITA for telling my best friend he can’t bring his wife to my wedding? She didn't want my wife at theirs.'
"AITA for telling my best friend he can’t bring his wife to my wedding?"
I (29M) attended my best friend’s (Josh 29M) wedding a few years ago as the best man and was denied being given a plus one even though I had a girlfriend (Stacey 28F). When Josh and his now wife Amber (30F) originally got engaged and invited me to the wedding I was single but they told me I could bring a date. A few months after I told Josh I started dating Stacey and would be bringing her.
Now, I want to preface this. I have known Stacey for about 8 years and we dated for a few months while in college. I originally met Stacy through Josh since she was a friend of Josh’s long term ex-girlfriend.
But when Josh and his ex broke up, the ex made Stacey decide between dating me or staying friends with her. She was a very toxic person. Stacey chose to keep dating me and after all these years has not talked to or been friends with the ex.
Me and Stacey ended up breaking up due to her transferring to a new college and neither of us wanting a long distance relationship. Once Amber found out I started dating Stacey she had a talk with Josh which ended with Amber telling Josh I wasn’t allowed to bring Stacey since she used to be friends with Josh’s ex.
When Josh broke the news to me, he told me Amber had the final decision and she doesn’t want Stacey at the wedding. And to add insult Josh told me I still had a plus one just can’t be Stacey. I wasn’t going to bring anyone else. Josh told me he didn’t agree with Amber’s but he didn’t want to fight with her.
After this conversation I didn’t mention anything to Stacey. Stacey knew the wedding was coming and would occasionally ask me if she was invited. I would tell her I wasn’t sure if I had a plus 1 and kept pushing it off. We still had about 8 months until their wedding so I was hopping going on double dates and hanging out with the 4 of us would warm Amber up to Stacey and change her mind.
This didn’t work, Amber never changed her mind. The wedding came around (which was also on Stacey’s birthday) and I reluctantly attended solo as the best man. I told Stacey everything which really pissed her off. She wasn’t upset with me and understood why I still wanted to attend the wedding but she still hasn’t forgiven Amber.
Fast forward to now, Stacey and I are engaged. The roles are reversed and Stacey is okay with Josh attending but doesn’t want Amber near anything to do with our wedding. Both Stacey’s family and my family all know about Stacey not being invited to Josh and Amber’s wedding and why.
It’s left a sour taste in everyone’s mouth snd neither of our families want Amber to attend. I’m not one for drama and really wish everyone got along. Especially since Josh has been my best friend since we were kids. But I’m standing by Stacey and Amber will not be invited. AITA?
EDIT: Just to clarify, when I stated “we broke up” that was in reference to when we dated in college for a few months. And I still made plans with Stacey and celebrated her birthday.
The internet had a lot to say in response.
wordsmythy wrote:
I wouldn’t invite her either, but Josh’s wife is going to forbid him to come to your wedding, and since he caved before, he’ll probably cave now. You know, because he “doesn’t wanna fight with her.”
mpurdey12 wrote:
NTA. Fair's fair. If Josh's (now) wife had the final decision in who got to attend their wedding when they were in the process of planning their wedding, then it's only fair that your future wife gets to have the final say in who attends your wedding.
Plus, like someone else said in the comments, if Josh's wife dislikes Stacey so much just because she used to be friends with Josh's ex-girlfriend, then she probably won't want to attend your wedding anyway.
SweetBekki wrote:
"You didn't invite Stacey to your wedding because she was friends with Josh's ex so unless you had a time machine to change that, you won't be invited to ours since as it stands, Stacey was still friends with his ex."
You and Stacey don't owe amber an invitation since she can't behave like an adult. I get it was her wedding and she gets the final say on the guest list but imagine holding something so petty against someone who had no control who her husband dates.
"I’m not one for drama and really wish everyone got along especially since Josh has been my best friend since we were kids" Josh obviously didn't hold the same sentiment since it was his wedding too and he wasn't willing to fight for your friendship. I wonder if he would still turn up to your wedding anyway without Amber. That would definitely tell you where you stand.
But seriously though you need to be very clear to Josh and not be one of those people that beats around the bush about telling him and causing arguments between you and Stacey because she feels she has to be the bad guy while you just "back her up."
It's YOUR job to tell him straight and not wait until the invite goes out and he questioned why his invite doesn't have a plus one then Stacey will probably get the blame for being "petty and holding a grudge." NTA but you would be if you don't have a word with Josh now.
Prestigious_Past2701 wrote:
NTA, you reap what you sow. So, in this instance, turnaround is fair play. Sounds like you should have this discussion with your friend, and if he doesn't understand, then it makes him a hypocrite.