'AITA for telling my best friend she needs to hire a nanny instead of relying on me?'

"AITA for telling my best friend she needs to hire a nanny instead of relying on me?"

So my best friend is like my sister and we always help each other out when needed. She has a 10-month-old baby and I have always been helping her in every way I can, but lately it started to be a daily thing.

We live on the same floor next to each other and she calls me to watch her baby over everything. ‘I need to shower, can you hold him? ‘He is so bored, can you hold him?’ She calls me like multiple times a day to ask for a favour and now even when I don’t reply...she comes to my house with her baby and asks if I can hold him.

Yesterday I had some work to do on my laptop and she asked me to hold him for ‘10’ minuts cause she wanted to take a quick shower. I agreed for 10 minuts and that turned into one and half hour.

Mind you, her son is really not an ‘easy’ baby. Cries uncontrollably the moment you put him down and try to play with him. So I am forced to walk for like one and half hour with him in my arms while I have other things to do.

Anyway yesterday I felt lightheaded while walking around with the baby...so I put him down while trying to distract him with some toys...he kept crying so loud, but I couldn’t take him cause I was worried I would drop him. She heard the ‘crying’ and knocked my door in a ballistic angry way, saying why do you let him cry?

I explained to her the situation and also told her that its her fault for not disciplining him and letting him play on his own...I've babysat a lot of babies in the past and none of them were like this. It’s not the baby’s fault. It’s def hers. She was like: I don’t like to ever hear my baby cry and I do not accept that you let him cry either.

That really pissed me off.. so I went on like: Then you should hire a nanny that will fulfill all of your requirements.

Extra info: nobody in her family, including her mom, wants to ever help her out cause of the fact that they can’t put him ever down…not even for a second.

Also: her husband has a very well paying job, they can easily afford to hire help Thirdly, I absolutely do not mind helping her out and I love her baby, but I do not like when it’s like a ‘must’ and she even gets angry when I don’t do it ‘her way’.

Side-note: I always do it her way...just yesterday it was taking too long and I was just concerned about his wellbeing...as I had already fainted a couple of days ago.

When helping out someone feels like an obligation I immediately don’t want to do it anymore...AITA?

Edit: I don’t mean discipling, but TRAINING. English is not my first language.

Edit; I really didn’t expect this post to blow up like this. Thank you all for your input❤️❤️ really appreciate that. I can’t reply on everyone, but I am reading everything!

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Meowskitty wrote:

Next time she knocks on your door with that baby, quickly grab your outside jacket and bag, and open the door. Pretend you were going out to the store or something. This is only a temporary solution for when she refuses to get the hint or if you don’t know how you should say No.

OP responded:

I've done this a few times, but it makes things so awkward...especially cause she doesn’t take the hint. She gets it, but she simply chooses to ignore it.

citrushibiscus wrote:

She sounds very selfish and ungrateful— not to mention entitled. I think you need to take a break from this friendship and reevaluate if she’s someone you want in your life if she acts like this. Has she always been like this, taking you for granted, you always folding to her?

At least stop opening your door when she knocks. Tell her you can’t watch the baby, and if she gets upset, block her. There’s a difference between helping her sometimes and this. She needs to learn that you don’t exist to be another parent, especially when you didn’t sign up for it. NTA.

OP responded:

Yeah...imagine one time I went to the supermarket and she called me to ask me where I was. I told her where I was and she got actually pissed and was like: when are you coming back? I really need you to take him and I went to your house and you werent home.: I was like wth?!

RMaua wrote:

NTA.

Stop opening the door when she tries to hand him off. Or find somewhere else to be during the day so she can't drop him off. Not your baby, not your responsibility.

OP responded:

She knows when I'm home and knows my whole life schedule and when I don’t answer.. she calls a million times.

DazzleLove wrote:

NTA. But it isn’t necessarily her or the baby’s fault he cries all the time- a panoply of health issues like reflux, delayed food allergies, can make babies inconsolable like this. My niece was like this till we found the cause, then became a different baby.

LucyParish wrote:

NTA. It’s clear tat you’ve been a great friend by helping out, but it sounds like yur friend’s expectations hve become too demanding. It’s important to set boundaries, especialy wen it starts affecting your own well-being. It’s reasonable to suggest that if her nids are so specific and frequent, hiring a nanny might be a better solution for both of you...

OP responded:

Thank you ?

sharkaub wrote:

NTA- she's doesn't need to train her baby not to cry, and there's no such thing as holding a baby too much- it's not better for the lungs for them to cry, and multiple recent studies have shown you can teach them to be independent just fine as they hit the toddler and child years no matter how much you coddled them as a baby.

She is fine to parent the kid with an expectation that she will not let it cry as often as she possibly can. It's similar to how my parents were told to put me to bed on my stomach, while these days we're told only on their backs in an empty crib in the beginning- we adjust childcare standards as our knowledge improves.

It may not be actively harmful to let a kid cry occasionally, but if it's often enough it will teach them not to cry...and not to trust you. So now that's out of the way, you're still not the AH. That's on her. That's her parenting choice, but you are not the parent or nanny.

Personally, I'd text and say Look, I love you, I love your baby, but I feel taken advantage of and I can't do it anymore. If you text me and we figure out a time to watch him that I agree to it, then I'll take him. If I do not agree to the time, I won't answer the door when you bring him over.

I wish I could just answer since we're friends but you've proven that you'll leave him with me and get upset with me, rather than placing any importance on my comfort and time as your friend.

For now, I need to place this boundary to keep our friendship, and my health and happiness, safe. In addition, if you leave him with me for a set period of time and then go over that time, I will say no the next time no matter what.

I'm sure you're tired and struggling, parenting is hard- but I can't be the answer when he's bored or you need a break. I'm happy to answer questions, tell you how great of a mom you are whenever you need it, go out the 3 of us for a treat- but leaving him at my house is no longer happening without a plan. I hope you can understand.

OP responded:

Wow thank you so much ❤️❤️ this is exactly what I needed to read.

equationgirl wrote:

NTA. Poor chap might be going through separation anxiety, or be dealing with reflux, all sorts of things. Has he had a check up recently?

None of that is your responsibility OP. You've been a great friend so far and she needs to organise childcare. And pay for it - has she ever paid you?

OP responded:

No she never has and tbh I’d never accept payment for it. I consider her as family and don’t mind helping out, but not with this attitude.