'AITA telling my boyfriend rent comes before fun? He's paying late.' UPDATED 3X
"AITA telling my boyfriend rent comes before fun?"
Me (25) and my bf (33) have little trips planned this year. We both have jobs and we live together. My job pays probably 5x more than his does but his job pays cash only. My bf called to remind me today that he is going on a weekend trip out of state to visit an old friend, I have no problems with that but I do want the bills payed before he goes if they are due before his trip.
He tells me he will pay the rent 6 days late (there’s a 5 day grace period) and pay the late fee for doing so. This upset me because I don’t want that on my rent record, only my name is on the lease and I know they keep track and document late payments. I’m unsure if it’ll prevent me from getting a rented apartment later in the future or not but still the fact remains that you can pay the bill on time so DO IT.
He would rather use the rent money to fund his trip since he’ll get paid the day he returns and says he will use that money to put towards the rent plus the late fee. He knows my job has been cutting hours for 2 months now, my check will be almost $600 less than usual and who knows what could happen where we need the money for something and we don’t have it.
I told him he should pay the rent and not use the money for his trip, it’s irresponsible. He even tried to cover himself by saying “I’m telling you 3 weeks in advance I won’t have any extra money to give because I’m going out of town for 3 days”. I told him “that doesn’t sound wise since I’m being cut over half of my usual pay check and you’re getting cut too.”
He got upset and told me “you have a trip you’re going on in November, why can’t I go to mine?!” And I said yes I do BUT I’m going to pay my bills before leaving if they are due, I’m not going to neglect my bills for 3 days of fun especially when I know they’re cutting hours at my job AND yours! Who’s in the wrong here?
Not long after posting, OP shared an update.
1. I forgot I was talking to internet strangers not ppl in my neighborhood lol we use the phrase “I make X amount more” so lightly to emphasize that we make more. We don’t take it literal. I make $14 and some change an hour. If I get 40 hours a week I’ll bring home over 1K or close to it biweekly before taxes.
He gets paid in cash and makes like $8 and some change per hour. He works 10 hours a day for 6 days a week. But his hours get cut and so do mine. Right now I’m probably only getting 14 to 26 hours a week. He’s probably getting cut 5 to 7 hours a day. He gets paid weekly. Our “shared” monthly expenses don’t even equal $1,000.
2) NO his job isn’t illegal. Just pays cash. He got the job when he was trying to dodge wage garnishment for a child that wasn’t his until his court date which they’ve now cleared him of.
3) He has a child by his ex.
4) He’s looking for another job, I put applications in for him on my own because I know I’m more consistent and won’t give up after the first “denied application” email, plus I was trying to help.
The internet had a lot to say in response.
Still_Actuator_8316 wrote:
Your bf is 33. If he still hasn't figured out bills before fun by now. You will never have a secure future with him.
No-entertainer-1358 wrote:
Have all of his stuff packed when he gets back. You are in for long term heartache if you do not cut this loser out of your life.
Spokidokes wrote:
The answer to this one is obvious. NTA. And at 33, he should have more sense of responsibility around finances, IMO. I would ask him if he'd still be doing this if it was his name solely on the lease. Or consider living separately if this is the norm. Does he pay bills that are in his name late also? If not that's a huge sign that this might be a deeper sign of how he values things that matter to you.
OP responded:
We are considering living separately and yes he pays his bills in his name late a lot of the time.
grayblue_grrl wrote:
He gets paid cash? Does that mean no income tax is coming off, no social security payments? Girl...this is not a long term relationship. You are wrong to stay with him and think you have a future. Because he is so financially wrong that you will be dragged down.
OP responded:
We aren’t financially tied together so I’m not being dragged down but I do understand what you’re saying.
chez2202 wrote:
This doesn’t make sense. You earn 5x more than him but $600 is more than half of your pay check? So he earns just over $200?
OP responded:
No, I definitely explained it wrong. He gets paid $8.50 an hour. Works 10 hours 6 days a week. I get paid $14.25 and work various hours throughout the week, usually totaling up to 30-40 hrs a week.
But he’s being cut, his boss probably lets him work 3 or 4 days at 10hrs and the rest at 5 or 7 hours. My job is giving me like 3 to 4 off days a week, I’m getting less than 30 hours a week for the last month, it was even less than 20 few weeks ago.
observer46064 wrote:
If he doesn't know this by now, you should break up and tell him to find somewhere else to live. It's not your job to raise him.
OP responded:
He’s planning to move out. He’s moved a few things already.
The next day, OP shared another update.
He has moved out! I will just come out and say that. He’s currently moving his last bit of clothes and has taken his favorite things in the world next to his daughter (not with me) already, his ps4 game system and his 75 inch tv. Also he told me that he wanted to pay the rent late because he ALSO had a surprise for me.
He said he was going down there to see his friend because he was coming back home with a car. He has purchased it from this friend apparently and it was a “surprise”. I told him I was happy for him (if this is true, we’ll see in a week) since he’s been without a car for a long time and I’ve been without a car as well but doesn’t really excuse paying rent late.
Thanks for the advice and help! Also please don’t “congratulate” me. I knew I had to do this but I’m not “leaping for joy” about it. We haven’t broken up, but I am reevaluating if this will even work anymore. Long discussion ahead.
The comments kept coming.
idiosyncrassy wrote:
Good for you! It’ll be interesting to see if this alleged car actually makes an appearance. The timing is suspect, to say the least. If anything, you would probably have been a lot more amenable to compromise on rent timing if he had actually said he was trying to buy a car in the first place, so if it were true, why not lead with that?
But regardless, it sounds like you’ve made the right choice. Someone who is bad with the fundamentals in life will be an anchor when you need a life preserver. There’s no crime in taking a week or so to gain perspective and re-evaluate. Sometimes you have to see how much someone actually values your companionship when you stop offering the cash and prizes along with it.
OP responded:
Back to the old drawing board huh🙃
andronicuspark wrote:
Why do I feel like the “surprise” car would’ve ended up in your pile of bills, eventually?
“No, no babe! I got it for us! Which why I need you to help pay for repairs, insurance, and gas! BRB, going out with the guys!”
OP responded:
NAH he made it clear it’s HIS car and he’s willing to help me if I need it. But don’t get it confused, it’s his, I’m not driving it or any thing lol he’s one of those men who don’t let woman drive their cars.
exhaustedgoatmom wrote:
He sounds very similar to my ex husband. Not very responsible with finances. My ex would blow his entire paychecks on fun things and leave all of the bills to me then once his funds were out, he would turn to me to pay for his fun crap.
OP responded:
That’s crazy asf.
A few weeks later, OP shared a link to screenshots of a text exchange, and an update.
For those who don’t want to read the screenshots I’ll just sum it up here. My bf moved out last week, he didn’t pay his share of the rent before moving out, this left a big inconvenience on me since I haven’t been receiving any hours at work. He did have the rent money at one point before moving out but he used it towards buying a car/going to Arkansas to see friends.
He said he would just give me the rent money the next week(today) with no problem. Now he’s saying he is having problems paying me the rent money he owes plus the late fee for not paying it on the 1st lol he’s complaining that if he gives it to me he won’t have any money for his new place, or his new car.
Things that he knew he couldn’t afford before moving out yet he still did it instead of waiting and stacking up his money. He wants me to borrow $88 of the $185 but I don’t have anyone to borrow it from, which upset him. I told him I had $60 left after I payed off a few little things from my check.
(I get paid weekly) my check was probably $100 lol the $60 was used to pay towards my phone bill which is $95. So clearly I’m not in any position to be giving him money since I don’t have it myself. Again, this upset him. I knew this would happen if he went to Arkansas with the rent money, but ofc he talked it down and said it would be okay. Now we are back in a bind.
The commenters had lots to say in response.
fig-pootens wrote:
This is such a stupid suggestion but have you tried getting another, better job? I don’t know your living situation other than you can’t pay the rent and they keep cutting your hours. Nevermind how exhausting both of you are, if having a ride is an issue there are plenty of entry level WFH jobs, along with many in person entry level jobs.
I used to have a job I loved but when I wasn’t scheduled enough to make my ends meet, I did something else. I don’t know what all you’re going through, but I sincerely hope you guys both find jobs where they don’t cut your hours. Not in this economy lol.
OP responded:
Yes. Currently looking, I have an interview today.
BadShae wrote:
Honestly you sound worse than the other person. They said they were over it and it's a done deal so you got to walk forward and drop it. You ain't helping.
Also break up or get different places or something you can't rely on each other and you both seem in over your head.
GoinThruTheBigD wrote:
After he pays his rent that is owed….I'd likely be done with him. Y’all can’t communicate for anything. And if he is making promises and not keeping them.how can you count on him for anything in the future?
OP responded:
It’s not often I lean on someone for help. Very rarely due to things like this.