'AITA for telling my brother I think his soon to be ex-wife was right to leave him?'

"AITA for telling my brother I think his soon to be ex-wife was right to leave him?"

My brother Adam (32M) and SIL Eve (29F) are in the middle of a divorce. Eve is the one who wants the divorce. Adam very much does not, but Eve is determined and has already moved out. I (30F) can’t blame her, because I would have done the same.

The background is that my brother has ADHD and has never been very good at complying with treatment to help with it. He’s one of those people that has an amazing bouncy personality to be friends with, but living with him is a complete nightmare.

I know, because growing up I was always expected to pick up his slack. He doesn’t like to take meds because he doesn’t like the way they feel and therapy has never seemed to help him much. He and Eve met in college and he was living with our parents up until they got married, so I don’t think she realized just how bad it was until then.

Eve is one of the most chill people I know, but I’ve watched her go from happy and put together to a nervous wreck over their marriage. We’re friends and talk a lot and she confided in me that she feels like the only adult in the house and it’s driving her slowly insane more than once. They tried marriage counseling but no lasting change.

Eve has been in therapy for herself for the last year, but my brother doesn’t see the point. The straw that broke the camel's back was her having surgery and my brother completely dropping the ball on helping her while she recovered as she couldn’t get around easily. Her mother ended up having to fly there to take care of her.

She told him that she couldn’t do it anymore and she wanted to have kids, but could never trust him to be a good parent now, so they needed to split. Ever since she moved out, his life has been complete chaos because she really was the only one doing any of the household management. I’ve been holding my tongue and trying to be supportive while he cries and complains because I know it’s hard.

But I was on the phone with him the other day and he called Eve a B for leaving him and making it about kids when she knows how much he wants them. I just had it. I told him that Eve leaving him was the best move for her own mental health and she was probably right that he’s not responsible enough to be a father right now and may never be at this rate.

He needs to take a good look at his life without Eve and ask himself if he’s capable of doing the hard everyday parts of parenting or if he just wanted the fun parts while Eve did all the actual work?

He’s furious with me and our mom chewed me out for kicking him while he’s down. Our dad agrees with me (and we have secretly made a pact that we’re keeping Eve in the divorce) but thinks I shouldn’t have kicked the anthill. AITA?

The internet kept it real in the comment section.

Fallingintopolkadots wrote:

NTA for finally snapping and telling your brother the truth that he needed to hear. Could it have been done more gently? Sure. But he called her a b-ch, and you rightfully reacted. He made his bed, or, well, left it unmade as f-k and now he has to deal with it. He has to clean up his own mess, literally and figuratively, before he's fit to be a husband and father.

Marcus_ohreallyus123 wrote:

Unfortunately he doesn’t seem to have the self-awareness to clean up his act. He’s made excuses all his life to be a screw up because mommy took care of him until it was Eve’s turn. Mom is probably taking his side because she is afraid he will move home and she will have to take care of him again.

skull_bearer_ wrote:

NTA, it sounds like Eve did everything to save their marriage, and your brother was just happy to take until there was nothing left.

imaginary_poetry233 wrote:

NTA, and I'm sending an extra virtual kick to your brother. He needs to suffer. This is the only way he will learn anything. He is now going to know what it's like to not be taken care of, and have no safe place to land. Just like he made Eve feel this whole time.

Bewitched_Nerd510 wrote:

NTA. Both me and my husband have ADHD but and I stayed and had the kids and I regret it. Not my kids but the fact that I am a married single mom because I can't count on my partner for anything. She did the right thing.

Secure_Wrap9334 wrote:

NTA. Your brother is more likely to put the lives of any children he does have in danger more than anything else. People who cannot take care of themselves should not have children.

Don't help your mom with anything that has anything to do with your brother. Let your mom carry the whole burden and when she asks for help tell her no. She's going to find out that her unconditional love for her baby boy does have an actual limit when she sees that he'll put her life in danger and not give a shit about it.

Icy_Cover5158 wrote:

NTA. It became your place to say something when he chose to call you to complain about it, kinda made it your problem. We can in fact still care about someone and tell them they're being an idiot. Tell mine he's an idiot every chance I get, cause it's rare, super smart man, relationships not his forte...if he called to complain about his relationships I absolutely called him out when he was being a dick.

Made him a better husband now than he was then. Can't let him think he's the only wronged party here. ADHD isn't an excuse with or without meds he's still capable of time management and communication. Don't let them use that as an excuse. My 12 yr old adhd kid knows better than to weaponize his condition to get away with laziness or carelessness.

06MST wrote:

NTA. It needed to be said. Though I'm sure Eve probably said it a million times and It made no difference so I'm not sure if he'll even take in what you're saying. Not sure why your mum is chewing you out. He's the one who blamed Eve for leaving and called her names for it. Does she think that's OK?

Does she expect you all to feed into his idea that it was Eve's fault? Is she ok with her son refusing to accept his behavior and acting like he's responsible enough to be a father and blaming his ex for leaving him. How will he change if he's not even facing that it's behaviour that needs to be changed?