'AITA for telling my brother to get out and take his AH wife when he asked for our mom’s ashes?'
"AITA for telling my brother to get out and take his b-ch of a wife when he asked for some of our mom’s ashes?"
My mom used to live near my brother, she was a quiet person in general and after dad died was lonely. She wanted to have dinner with my brother and his family often. His wife (Cara) didn’t like that and they agreed to do it once a month.
Mom started to have issue and would send panicked texts and went to the doctors randomly. Around this time his wife made a lot of post about how she was an attention seeker and was making up problems. That she was trying to cause a wedge in their relationship.
My brother stopped visiting our mother. It was everywhere and I do not like Cara at all. When this started happening I decided to visit my mom (live in another state). It took me a day to realize something was wrong. Took her to the doctors and she had dementia. I informed the family and became the main caretaker.
Cara continue to make post or comments that she is faking it. My brother stood by her the whole time. I literally begged him to come visit before she passed on. She was cremated and I have the ashes. He didn’t even come to the viewing. This is the issue, he and Cara showed up asking for some of our mom's ashes.
I told him no, that he didn’t even see her before she died. This started an argument against the two. By the end of it I told him to get out and take his b-ch of his wife with him. He has been calling me a jerk and telling me I have to apologize. The family is torn, some are saying f him and Cara, but others are saying I should give in because it’s his mom also.
The internet had plenty to say in response.
Philip_J_Fry3000 wrote:
NTA, Your brother made his choice and he chose poorly. He deserves nothing. They have the same energy as my younger sister. She was really abusive and awful to my mother most of her adult life and she continued after my mother got diagnosed with cancer and traveled internationally more than she came to visit. Then she engaged in some performative bullshit at her funeral.
thatmidwesterngothic wrote:
NTA. At this point, why does he even want her ashes? I feel like his wife wouldn't even want them on display in her home. I think he's realizing just how much of an asshole he is being viewed by the family and is asking for the ashes to save face and appear like a caring son. If he didn't even come to the viewing/"funeral" I really don't understand why he would want the cremains.
Own_Kangaroo6931 wrote:
NTA whatever you decide, but just remember that the dead don't give a f what happens to their remains. If your mother had expressed wishes for her remains that involved you and your brother then you can honour those of course, but ultimately she doesn't give a shit now - sorry for your loss, but that's the fact.
Your brother didn't show respect during her life, so he doesn't deserve respect after her death, is my opinion. Personally, I think I'd probably just say "Oops! Scattered them already!" if asked again...
kimba_the_tabby_lion wrote:
I read the title and hoped I could say N T A. Then I read the story, you are so much NTA!! I would ignore anyone saying "what would your mother want?". Funerals and cremains are for the living, and as brother and SIL chose not to be there before or after her death, that means they have no say. So do what is right for you. As for your mother's wishes, I don't think they are important.
Obviously ignoring specific requests would be an AH move, but with no specifications, don't get out a ouija board to divine what she would have wanted. Because here's the thing - whatever your beliefs are and wherever she is or isn't, there is one thing for sure: she has no use for that pile of dust anymore. It has served it purpose to her. Use it in whatever way brings you comfort.
LastPlaceStar wrote:
What would your mom have wanted?
OP responded:
She wanted her son to care about her when she was alive.
Ok_terra_dactful wrote:
When my mother passed last year, one of her siblings, the one we both went NC with for her rabidly right wing views, the one who lives on the other side of the country and hadn't visited for 30 years, the one who when she called my mother for anything, my mother would see the caller ID and not even say hello, just "what do you want" THAT sibling asked for some ashes.
While my mother was still alive! Asked their other sibling, who told Mom. Who in turn, told me like "here's a story you'll get a kick out of..."
We both had a good laugh. She died three days later. NTA.
ApprehensiveIce9026 wrote:
“It’s his mom also” and where was he? Not near her, so he can f off.
He made his choice, he deals with the consequences.
I wouldn’t keep the ashes, I would spread it in a very beautiful place, but I wouldn’t tell him where.
NTA.
Party-Walk-3020 wrote:
I would see if you can add her ashes to your father's plot. You can then tell your brother that that's where she is and it's out of your hands at that point.
Extralengthiness5551 wrote:
No. He didn’t step up as a decent human being let alone a son. He chose to stand by his wife the. He can continue to do so. F him. NTA.