My dad and I (28m) have a complicated relationship. He was divorced from my mom when I was only a baby and she passed when I was very young (5). He was already remarried and had another child when my mom passed away and I think he expected with time that I would forget about my mom entirely and assimilate into his new family like they were the only one.
There was also a big effort to ignore my grief and to expect me to move on like nothing happened. The only time this was ever truly mentioned was when I was 13 and he sat me down and asked me to ask his wife if she'd adopt me.
He told me she wanted to adopt me but didn't want me to get angry at her for asking because I still had a photo of my mom in my bedroom and I talked about her still. During that little talk he made a point of saying his wife had raised me far longer and had done everything a real mother should, so it was time for me to acknowledge her in that role and position in my life and make it official.
When I said no he threw a little tantrum, stomping his foot and pouting before he left the room and he never mentioned it again. But that strain could be felt. His wife died 3.5 years ago. I was engaged to my wife at the time and we were planning our wedding. 6 months after her death dad asked how I could move forward with the wedding planning.
I told him I still wanted to get married. He said he couldn't understand it and he thought the wedding would be delayed for years. I told him that wasn't happening. He never said anything about it again but I now know he held it all in. And now it has come to the surface again. My wife is pregnant with our first child, our daughter, and we have agreed to name her after my mom.
My wife wanted a nature name and my mom had a nature name so it worked perfectly for us. We haven't announced this yet. During a family dinner with my side one of my siblings asked if we had a name yet. I said maybe. We weren't saying for sure until she was here. My dad said we all know the baby will be named after his late wife and there's no point in hiding it.
I told him he didn't know that at all. He lost his temper and told me if I had any respect for our family that is exactly what I'd do. He told me he's grieving, my siblings are grieving and I should take that into consideration. I told him that has nothing to do with what we name our child. He wanted to talk 1:1 and I agreed to do so.
He told me if I'm hiding the name like that then I must be naming my daughter after someone else, likely "that woman" and how I was inconsiderate to consider such a thing when his wife had raised me and his wife had died in the last four years. He told me a good son would take this into consideration and honor the woman his father loved, the woman who raised him as her very own.
I told him his grief does not get to dictate the name my wife and I choose for our child. I told him my grief didn't seem to matter when I was 5 so why was I supposed to put his adult grief first now? I told him there was going to be no more talking about baby names because it was none of his business. He has since accused me of invalidating his grief and being insensitive to it. AITA?
Nervous-Commission90 wrote:
NTA your father is extremely self-centered and doesn’t care about anyone else’s feelings but his own. I highly suggest you distance yourself from him.
OP responded:
I'm strongly considering it given the way the future is looking if he's in our lives.
GhostShadow899 wrote:
“Because I’m going to the toilet, you’ll have to wipe your own ass as well” lol.
NTA, you’re free to do whatever you want OP!
True-Device8691 wrote:
NTA, if someone called my mother "that woman" I would've lost my f--king s--t. If I were you I'd limit contact during your wife's pregnancy and while the baby is young, he definitely doesn't seem stable or like he'd handle the name of your baby well.
sjyffl wrote:
You reminding your dad of how he treated you while you were grieving is brilliant OP. He’s still grieving four years later and expected you to put your life on hold (your wedding) for his grief but he didn’t allow you the same - he just forced a new mom on you and got mad when you didn’t accept that.
He’s got some issues he needs to work through and I think the fact that he’ll have to hear your bio mom’s name for the rest of his life is punishment enough. NTA.
OP responded:
It's something I tried not to throw at him before. Because I know not everyone knows what to do. But his insistence that his grief needs to come first has told me he knew better and just doesn't care. He expected me to forget my mom and to not grieve her, probably in part because he didn't care.
Broad-Ad-3000 wrote:
Your Dad needs counseling - NTA. He's showing no understanding towards you at all yet is demanding a higher level of understanding that he gave you. He's obviously not thinking clearly and is too wrapped up in himself.
OP responded:
I think that's always been his way. But the therapy he needs is not something he would be open to receiving.
mygluvrda wrote:
NTA, but his animosity towards your mom is appalling. It doesn't matter what happened between them that lead to divorce or that she died she's still your mother, and not wanting to erase her is completely natural.
OP responded:
Oh his animosity for her has caused him to be a crappy dad to me at different points in my life and he can't even see it. Because his animosity toward her is more important than his love for me.