'AITA for telling my dad I'm shocked he remembers I'm his kid after he asked me to help his stepson?'
"AITA for mockingly telling my dad I'm shocked he remembers my sister and I are his kids after he asked us to help his stepson?"
I might have been a total AH to my dad and maybe even to the kid indirectly but wanted some opinions. Dad was a single parent to me (17m) and my sister (18f) from the time we were 5 and 6. Our mom passed from a brain aneurysm suddenly and dad was a really good support to us. He took time off work and devoted his attention to us.
That eased off after the first couple of years but the important part was he was still around for us. He'd show up to a few school plays or football games, he'd make time for us as a family and for 1:1 time. He was our whole world by then and we loved the dad that he was.
But when I was 10 he met his wife Sadie and her two kids (19 months m and 3f). Dad told me and my sister that he and Sadie were going to make a family so he was going to be there for his stepkids to get to know and bond with them and Sadie would do the same for us, and we should rely on Sadie and not on him, and Sadie's kids would rely on him and not her. It was so infuriating.
We told dad we wanted him, not Sadie and dad told us his stepkids (who weren't even his stepkids at the time) needed him more. Dad stopped doing anything for us then and Sadie tried but we didn't want her. We were so angry and jealous and hurt that dad dropped us for some random woman's kids.
Their wedding day was a hot mess because they wanted Sadie's kids with dad and my sister and me with Sadie and we didn't want to be at the wedding at all.My grandma and grandpa tried to step in and talk to dad but he told them to stay out of it. He said we needed to get used to Sadie and to having younger siblings.
We never accepted Sadie or her kids. We just withdrew completely and the resentment and anger grew. I once told my dad to his face that my mom would be so disgusted that he picked someone else's kids over us and I hope that he realizes that himself one day. My sister bailed the second she turned 18.
About a year ago Sadie's son was diagnosed with some kidney issue and it turned out a few months later that his liver was also affected. He's getting these different treatments and there were some issues with some of the treatments. I don't really know. I never cared enough to pay attention. But my dad followed me to my sister's one day last week and he told us he needs our help.
That he'd like for us to spend some time with the kids and maybe help out with money so they struggle less paying for everything. My sister told him to go to hell. I laughed and mockingly told him that I was surprised he remembered we were his kids at all when he has his precious little stepkids who mean so much to him.
Dad reacted more to my response than to my sister's. He was shocked, pissed and probably even a little offended. He asked me how I could say something like that when his stepson's so sick. He also told me he was there for us when mom died and why did we act like he left us with nobody when we could've had Sadie but we discarded her. AITA?
Commenters had lots to say in response.
Curious-One4595 wrote:
NTA. But maybe you should tell him that it’s time he acknowledges that his bizarro plan for “uniting” your two families was an ill-conceived, abysmal failure that caused you and your sister lasting emotional harm and his relationship with the two of you permanent damage and that his current idea that he can fix those things by emotionally blackmailing you on the back of a deathly ill child is just sick.
Your father needs counseling. Your whole messed up family does. But he should go first. I’d love to hear him explain to an objective outsider why, when it quickly became clear that his shitty plan wasn’t working, that he didn’t reconsider and change course to try and fix things for seven bloody years.
OP responded:
I can imagine he would say something like "I didn't want my stepkids to feel rejected by me after growing so close and attached to me" and "I wanted my kids to know a mother's love again and feared they would never accept my wife if we stopped trying to make it work". I'm not sure he'd do the actual work with a therapist to unwrap the mess.
Grand-Geologist-6288 wrote:
I don't get the part were you and your sister should solely rely on Sadie and her stepkids solely rely on your dad. Were you living in the same house? How did this exchange work? Did your father stop talking to you and sis and did Sadie stop talking to her stepkids? This seems very weird.
OP responded:
We all lived in the same house. But dad left all the parenting of us to Sadie and Sadie left most of the parenting of her kids to dad but I think she still did some. I can imagine dad would argue that it was because Sadie's kids bonded so well with him that it could happen while we never gave Sadie a chance in that way.
gjwtgf wrote:
NTA you told him repeatedly that you weren't happy. Your grandparents tried to tell him and he ignored them. He can't be suprised now that you don't want anything to do with him. It's sad for his step son but you are absolutely under no obligation for anything.
OP responded:
I think the fact he is this surprised shows how arrogant he was about this way of "blending."
GreekAmericanDom wrote:
NTA. What your dad did to you is downright horrendous. What an absolute failure of parenting. He deserved to hear what you said to him.
OP responded:
It was. It almost feels like he did so much good that he just decided he needed to undo all the amazing parenting that happened when mom first died.
Bobinct wrote:
NTA. Talk about the worst way to blend a family.
OP responded:
Yep. 100% chance of failure.
Timely_Egg_6827 wrote:
NTA - you lost your mother and your father is claiming credit because he was there for you then. Well, yes, he should have been he was your only surviving parent. Who else was going to do it? Were you to be grateful he didn't drop you off down the orphanage and hopefully you were a comfort to him too?
And then when you are 10 and your sister 11, he tells you that he is no longer going to be your parental support. You have to trust this stranger while you see him doing the same care for other. It was easy for him to bond with very young children but much harder for you as young teens.
And he watched you grow up without support for 8 years punishing you for not warming up to the woman he choose to make your mother figure. That is just cr-elty. He gave up on the right to call himself your parent by expecting an adult response from young children and then not trying to remedy the situation.
He left you without any parenting at a emotional level except what you and your sibling could give one another. It is very sad that such a young child is so ill. But your family is fractured by your father's actions and choices. Info: You are a minor and you still live with him? Remind him he is meant to be financially supporting you not you supporting his family.
OP responded:
Yes, I still live with him unfortunately.
TheYankcunian wrote:
NTA - I don’t get how parents do this! My parents did it to me, and my Dad was always surprised and offended when I pointed it out too. Spoiler alert: I’m 39 now and last I spoke to him 3-4 years ago, he was still surprised and offended. He denied denied denied and the only thing that mattered to him was that my on-again, off-again stepmom and her kids still treated HIM badly.
My only advice would be to not put yourself through decades of heartache. If you decide to go NC, stick with it. Don’t relapse. He’ll claim he’s changed, but really he just wants to suck you back in to leech off of you. Even if just emotionally. He’s the parent. It’s not your job to help him with his do-over family. Have a future plan, make a life for yourself and no matter what…don’t let them be part of it.
OP responded:
No contact is definitely in our future. He's not a good enough dad anymore to keep around and I never cared about his wife or her kids at all. So there's nothing to keep me having anything to do with them once I turn 18. Counting down the months (because the days depress me a little).
Who_apostrophe_sWho wrote:
I imagine since Sadie's kids were still young, she still parented them, so they got two parents while you and your sister had none.
He may view what you said as being harsh/unwarranted, but it pales in comparison to him essentially abandoning his kids who'd already lost their mom. Even now he's failing you, by not acknowledging that his idea was selfish and caused this strain. He's not reaching out because he realises he needs to make amends while you're all able to. NTA.
OP responded:
She did some but waaaaay less than dad did. But they did still get her. That was only because Sadie's kids really bonded and connected with dad though. If they hadn't she would have left it all to dad.
Batgirl_1984 wrote:
This is the most bizarre case of “meet your new stepmom” I’ve ever read.
OP responded:
And he got the idea from another person believe it or not.