'AITA for telling my daughter’s father that I will not be doing a Quincenera for her?'
"AITA for telling my daughter’s father that I will not be doing a Quincenera for her?"
Background: I’m 35(F) and have a 13(F) daughter who wants a Quincenera and I’m not comfortable spending that much money on one event. I’m a Hispanic woman who was born in the US so I’m not a traditional Mexican and my kids are Americanized.
Here’s where the issue comes. My daughter’s father (36) who lives with his mom, pays nothing in child support because he’s in debt(owes IRS/credit card debt). I pay everything for my daughter (school activities/sports/hobbies/clothes/trips) you name it, I pay.
I don’t ask her dad because he’s already paying child support for another son he has with an ex. I am fortunate that my fiancé and I make a good income and can afford to be debt free by choosing to make wise money decisions. I have a full-time job, do contract work on the side, and part-time Masters student at my local University (debt-free).
My ex approached me when I dropped off my daughter and said that our daughter wants a Quince and she wants a party where all her family is in one place. I told him I wasn’t doing a Quince but I’d throw a party in our backyard and he was invited. Our house is nice and our backyard was done a few years ago and is big.
The other day he said that his cousin had a baby shower at a ranch style and that its $3K for the venue for 250 people. On the phone I freaked because I have a lot on my plate and know how much work it takes to plan an event with a lot of people. He said his family is easily 100 people. I have a lot of family too but I was only planning on only inviting close family and friends.
When I tell him "No this is not a Quincenera but a party with food and DJ with tops 100 people" he tell me that "I'm starting to really disappoint him" and I tell him that I have a lot going on and that I can’t plan something that big with all the stuff I already do and that I don’t want to spend a lot of money.
Quinceneras are a lot when you think of the dress/dolls/walce/damas/band and etc. they are time consuming and a lot of money goes into them. He gave me $200 the other day and was planning to give me $100 each pay day. He’s never given me that much money for her since we separated when she was 1.
I have final exams this week and I haven’t been able to sleep for 2 nights thinking of all the stress this is causing me. Should I give him his money back and tell him that we should each do what we can for her on our own? He causes me stress and I swear talking to him is pointless because he makes me feel like I’m the bad person.
Not long after posting, OP shared a small edit/update.
Update: I was always planning to throw her a party. Not a lavish one but something nice in our backyard which I told her dad that he was more than welcome to attend.
The internet had a lot to say in response.
CosmicPolaris wrote:
INFO
Why is your daughter having a Quince at 13…and not 15…
OP responded:
They are planned in advance, this is the planning phase.
SGC6969 wrote:
NTA. You should be having this party discussion with your daughter, not him. He’s not really contributing much of anything so he really doesn’t get a say. And she’s only 13, isn’t a quince at 15? (I’m super white sorry). You’re stressing 2 years early for this party. Talk to your daughter and see what she really wants and would be comfortable with.
OP responded:
Thank you and I’ve talked to her she wants the whole nine yards of a Quincenera. I know it’s early but he wants to start planning. I feel it has more to do with his “ego” because a lot of parents do it for themselves and I’ve seen it firsthand.
Jerseygirl2468 wrote:
NTA but you're being way too nice to him. The deadbeat dad who never has supported his kid is disappointed in you? YOU??? He should be eternally grateful you aren't dragging him into court over and over since he hasn't paid a penny for his child.
If he wants to throw her a quincenera, he has 2 years to save up and plan it all. He and his hundreds of family members can take up a collection if needed. If you want to throw her a party and are the one paying for it, then it's the way you want, not him. If he wants a say, he has to pay. (Also talk to your daughter and see what she actually wants.)
quats555 wrote:
"Pays nothing in child support because he’s in debt
I don’t ask her dad because he’s paying child support for another son"
What do these have to do with anything? Unless there’s no blood left to squeeze from the stone, so it’s just wasted effort; but this is still his responsibility. Why does he get to demand that you pay for whatever he can get your daughter excited about and still not contribute anything (other than causing trouble)?
He demands that his family profit from the event, that his family all attend en masse, that you plan it, and you pay for it. No, no, no, and no. If it’s that important to his family THEY CAN CONTRIBUTE instead of just freeloading. Because faaaaamily, right? So Cousin would be thrilled to donate the use of the venue he owns, RIGHT? No? So must not be that important!
fiestafan73 wrote:
Give him his tiny amount of money back, and tell him if his mom wants a Quince (because that is what is going on her), the two of them can pay for it and consider it money out of the tens of thousands of dollars he owes you in back child support.
When he refuses, let him know he is disappointing you, and you will be pursuing child support in court to pay for the party he insists that you throw with minimal money and zero effort from him. NTA.