'AITA for telling my deaf brother he should be patient while I learn ASL?'

"AITA for telling my deaf brother he should be patient while I learn ASL?"

My (26M) brother (18M) was born deaf; he is the only deaf person in our family, but our parents and our older sister managed to become fluent in ASL and while I did learn enough to communicate the essential with him, I was about 9-10 yo when the rest of the family was full-on taking ASL classes, and back then it seemed like a boring chore for a boy that age.

I do regret never properly learning it, because of course I’m not as close to my brother as the rest of our family, and I decided to do something about it now that I moved back home (long story, having to do with my father recovering from a work-related accident). I’m learning online and taking classes thrice a week.

I didn’t tell anyone in my family that, partially because I’m ashamed I didn’t put on the effort to learn the language like the rest of them. And I’m trying my best to sign when talking to my brother instead of texting, but I sense he gets impatient when communication gets slow and he starts texting me in response. So I asked him not to text and bear with me, and told him he should be patient cause I’m still learning.

To my surprise he said I never gave a s-t about learning ASL when he was growing up and I got the sense this hurt him over the years. AITA for insisting he grant me some patience though, even though I spent the last 18 years of his life giving him the impression I didn’t give a d-mn to learn his language?

The commenters had a lot to say in response.

StAlvis wrote:

YTA. I'm glad to learn that you've realized the error of your ways and are looking to take corrective action.

"I sense he gets impatient when communication gets slow. He should be patient cause I’m still learning."

That said, practice on your own time.

"I asked him not to text and bear with me."

I feel like he gets to dictate how he's most comfortable communicating.

RuinsofFrogatha wrote:

You're TWENTY-SIX. Not being interested in learning ASL as a 9-10 year old doesn't matter anymore. What about when you were a teenager? A young adult? You're now in your mid-20s thinking, oh yeah, that little brother I can barely speak with, I should do something about that.

You've never made communicating with him any kind of priority, not even half-a--ing picking it up from the rest of your family. Yes, YTA. It's great that you're finally making an effort to be part of his life, but he's not going to just get over the fact that you've never bothered to before, for the entire 18 years he's been alive.

Independent_Prior612 wrote:

Which part of the fact that he’s been waiting for 18 years makes him impatient? YTA for acting like he has no right to be hurt by the choices you have made. YOU CHOSE to treat him like a second class citizen. YOU CHOSE not to be as close to him as the rest of the family is.

YOU CHOSE to consider him not worth your time or energy.

And while it’s good that you have grown and want to improve your ASL and your relationship with him now, he is under no obligation to give you a pass for the last 18 years.

While you didn’t say it here, I can read between the lines that part of you thinks he should just be grateful to you for your change of heart. Like the scraps of the last 18 years are all he should have ever expected and he should feel complimented that you are trying now.mIt’s good that your developing frontal lobe is waking you up to some things. But he has every right to feel like it’s too little too late.

AllAFantasy30 wrote:

YTA. Your deaf brother is 18 and you’re only NOW learning ASL, even though the rest of your family was learning it? Of course he doesn’t think you give a crap. For his entire life, you never bothered to learn to communicate with him. You considered it a “chore”. I don’t think you get to expect/ask for patience from him now that you’re finally learning.

Sunday_Rabbit1310 wrote:

YTA. You should have learned ASL a long, long time ago. Does your brother read lips? Being deaf can be frustrating (and can be lonesome) to some because it is difficult to communicate with the world around them. This is why family members and even friends need to learn sign language.

Best_Tumbleweed6931 wrote:

ESH, except your brother. Yes, you should have made an effort years ago to learn (either as a teenager or a young adult). However, your parents also suck and suck way more than you. They shouldn't have allowed this situation to manifest in the first place.

burnt_heterodoxy wrote:

Going against the grain here, NAH. Why does everyone in this thread act like every sibling group wants to be buddies? It took MANY MANY years for my brother and I to remotely tolerate one another, let alone talk to each other on purpose. OP is learning now and that should count for something. He could have just continued to blow it off very f--kin easily lol.

Stephanecam wrote:

NAH. Your brother’s feelings are absolutely valid, but you were also a child yourself and your parents should have had more input. Why did they let you skip the classes? It should have been a family activity, not something you could drop if you didn’t feel like it. Totally understandable that a 9-10 year old would find it a chore, but that’s what parenting is for.

Many kids find school a chore but they still have to go. You both need to find a space where you can accept and understand each other’s point of view without blaming one another. I’m not saying you should turn on your parents, obviously - just that you both need to acknowledge the other’s experience of the past 18 years.

If I were you I would express how sorry you are that your lack of ASL made him feel that way for so long, and explain that you understand why he feels angry and that you want to try to fix things going forward so you can have a good adult relationship. Good luck OP, and I’m sorry people are being so unkind in the comments. They’ve obviously forgotten what it was like to be a child.